Psych Central

Go Back   Forums at Psych Central > General > General Q&A



advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
Unread 03-20-2017, 03:32 PM   #11
Legendary
 
Open Eyes's Avatar
Open Eyes has no updates.
 
Member Since: Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 15,885 (SuperPoster!)
My Mood:

5 yr Member
12.3k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Do the effects of childhood abuse become stronger with time?

Quote:
I've never even had a lasting relationship and I'm in my mid-30s.
Don't allow yourself to self loath because of this. Having a lasting relationship has been a huge challenge for a lot of people. I happened to watch a interview with Debbie Reynolds and she had three failed marriages and finally said, "no more". One of her husbands gambled away not only all his money but all her money, years of saving from all the work she did. At that time she was older and had three children of her own and was also taking care of his children so she had to reinvent herself and go back out and work and started that work on the stage. She was not a spring chicken when she did that either.

Also, if you think about so many stars, they seem like they have it all and yet they experience a lot of relationship challenges, and often these are made so public. I don't know how they manage with no privacy tbh. Maintaining a long term relationship is most definitely a challenge, countless individuals will tell you that from their own experiences with that challenge. I have been married for coming on 37 years and I have been through a great deal in my marriage. It can be VERY HARD.

My advice, finish school and invest in yourself and don't beat yourself up so much, learn to be your own best friend, be forgiving of self and know there is no such thing as perfect in anything.
Open Eyes is offline   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:

advertisement
Unread 03-21-2017, 02:26 PM   #12
"I'm scarlet inside"
 
Fharraige's Avatar
Fharraige "'Cause in my head there's a Greyhound station"
 
Member Since: Oct 2010
Location: Where the wild things are :)
Posts: 12,537 (SuperPoster!)
My Mood:

5 yr Member
4,389 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Do the effects of childhood abuse become stronger with time?

I think the abuse is more ingrained the longer it isn't dealt with. It may make it harder to let go because it has been there for so long and therefore it's familiar.
__________________
"Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer." Rilke, Letters To A Young Poet



BP Type 1, GAD, PTSD, BPD
Latuda, Artane, Neurontin, Vistaril and some other stuff

My poetry and prose
My Flickr Photostream
Fharraige is online now   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Unread 03-21-2017, 02:36 PM   #13
"I'm scarlet inside"
 
Fharraige's Avatar
Fharraige "'Cause in my head there's a Greyhound station"
 
Member Since: Oct 2010
Location: Where the wild things are :)
Posts: 12,537 (SuperPoster!)
My Mood:

5 yr Member
4,389 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Do the effects of childhood abuse become stronger with time?

I think the abuse is more ingrained the longer it isn't dealt with. It may make it harder to let go because it has been there for so long and therefore it's familiar.
__________________
"Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer." Rilke, Letters To A Young Poet



BP Type 1, GAD, PTSD, BPD
Latuda, Artane, Neurontin, Vistaril and some other stuff

My poetry and prose
My Flickr Photostream
Fharraige is online now   Reply With Quote
Unread 03-24-2017, 06:50 PM   #14
New Member
 
MyLittleRuin's Avatar
MyLittleRuin has no updates.
 
Member Since: Mar 2017
Location: United States
Posts: 9
My Mood:

Default Re: Do the effects of childhood abuse become stronger with time?

Quote:
Originally Posted by beta View Post
The bottom line is, I want to know if other people experience the feeling that instead of getting better, the aftermath of childhood keeps haunting them in ever-changing forms and somehow gets worse because it makes them feel like being stuck with the same feeling of worthlessness no matter how much they try and achieve things in their life. And what advice can you give?
I have experienced this. Though for me, while my childhood was traumatic I didn't realize it's affects on me until I was an adult. Now at the age of 25 I can't help but wonder if all that I'm going through stems from that childhood trauma or if it's just me. I also feel stuck, worthless, and no matter what achievements I make I still feel like I'm in the same boat I've always been in. So while I seemingly cannot offer any help because I don't have it figured out yet, you certainly are not alone in that rut feeling.

It's odd for me though, I've never felt victimized in any way. I've never been mad at my father it just was my life and I've learned from it. Became a more perspective person because of it. I've never felt sorry for myself or wanted others to feel sorry for me. So it makes me wonder why I'm struggling with what I'm struggling with. Do you ever feel the same?
__________________
“I've learned that people will forget what you said
People will forget what you did
But people will never forget how you made them feel.” -Maya Angelou


MyLittleRuin is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 03-24-2017, 11:19 PM   #15
Account Suspended
Rizzar is nonplussed.
 
Member Since: Mar 2017
Location: Inside
Posts: 424 (SuperPoster!)
Default Re: Do the effects of childhood abuse become stronger with time?

Quote:
“We cannot have a world where everyone is a victim. "I'm this way because my father made me this way. I'm this way because my husband made me this way." Yes, we are indeed formed by traumas that happen to us. But then you must take charge, you must take over, you are responsible.” ― Camille Paglia
Yes, life is difficult, especially if we allow others to define us. The question for us is who do we want to be? Most know what we do not want. How do we learn the responsible way?
Rizzar is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 03-29-2017, 06:44 PM   #16
New Member
Jonjakejill has no updates.
 
Member Since: Mar 2017
Location: Michigan
Posts: 5
Default Re: Do the effects of childhood abuse become stronger with time?

Hi Beta I am very in tune with your story. I grew up with my dad not around he was too busy chasing women and getting messed up. I did however grow up with a stepfather that was very abusive. It still affects me almost daily. I think my mom married him so that us kids could have a decent life because he had money. She passed away in 1998 at age 50. I think she made the ultimate sacrifice. Alot of times i loath myself so bad that it is hard to even get out of bed and go to work. But i have to because i have three adult children that need me. My wife and kids love me very much this I know. I have tried so many meds that haven't worked. I know that cold dark place, it haunts me almost daily. But i believe in myself and somehow find the strength to continue on this journey. Always Remember that you are not alone. It is difficult to find that peace if 0nly for a moment. Enjoy that moment and remember what it feels like. Life is a beautiful thing. You are here for a reason make the most out of every day. Tomorrow is a new day try to let go of the past and believe in yourself you are worthy. Because at the end of the day it doesn't matter what others think. I hope this makes some kind of sense to you. Always here!!
Jonjakejill is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 03-29-2017, 09:16 PM   #17
Member
 
beta's Avatar
beta has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2010
Location: Eastern Europe
Posts: 48
5 yr Member
13 hugs
given
Default Re: Do the effects of childhood abuse become stronger with time?

Thanks, all. I have been reading some research on childhood trauma and psychotherapy recently. I've tried CBT but, to be honest, while it has helped me identify the negative thoughts and recognise where they come from, it is not very successful in actually helping me deal with emotions. I had previously preferred CBT because it helps me draw on my strengths - my analytic skills - and does not require facing scary feelings. I have been very active in seeking support and help from early on, in my early teens I sought help from school counselors, although, looking back at it, it's strange that they never intervened. But, then again, we didn't really have social services when I was growing up and the whole country was such a mess I can imagine a depressed teen in a broken family with an alcoholic father was just a drop in the ocean.

I don't know if that would help anyone, but one of the things that left impression on me while reading about different approaches in psychology/psychoanalysis, is that the fundamental lack in the life and soul of somebody raised in a dysfunctional family is the lack of a significant other, a parent who loves them unconditionally. I know this is pretty obvious, but the mechanism through which this works can help as a kind of strategy for dealing with the effects. When a kid is loved and cared for by their parents, they internalise the big other who is loving them and this feeling of love and protection becomes part of their personality, the way they see the world, and the way they relate to others. So, despite being able to learn and practice all adult strategies for coping with life and depression, our emotions are wounded by this lack. Some people manage to find this loving caring big significant other through religion and spirituality, so it is not impossible to do it. I know a lot of the advice about mental health is grounded in facing reality and analytically separating perceptions from what is really going on around us. But I wonder if imagining and inventing what is lacking could be of help. I have tried it when it was the hardest, imagining a well-intended, supportive presence that knows me to my core and accepts and loves me for who I am in every situation, mistakes, weaknesses, being dumb, being strong, happy, or sad. I haven't been very consistent but it does help. It helps more than trying to think myself out of being depressed or anxious. This is not projecting onto a real person, it's just an internal good, strong, and loving presence, someone who had to be my mother or father but wasn't. It's an experiment, I thought - what if I just invent the parent that I feel I deserved and let them be in the place of all those thoughts and feelings installed in me. I guess this is similar to the idea of changing the script of your life - something that I don't quite understand as an idea and method.

What are your thoughts about this?
__________________
“Never grow a wishbone, daughter, where you backbone ought to be.”
Clementine Paddleford
beta is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 04-02-2017, 08:17 AM   #18
Veteran Member
 
daisydid's Avatar
daisydid SCHOOL'S. OUT. FOR. SUMMER.
 
Member Since: Mar 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 597 (SuperPoster!)
My Mood:

1 hugs
given
Default Re: Do the effects of childhood abuse become stronger with time?

Beta, that's actually very similar to what I've been working on in therapy. Both of my parents were emotionally neglectful, and so it seems I've developed a world view predicated on the idea that I was unlovable and unworthy for whatever reason. Add other childhood trauma into the mix, and I so often feel like a shell: empty and worthless.

So I'm learning right now how to fill that void myself. The present me mothering the inner child, so to speak. It's given me a way to give voice to the childhood fears and loneliness without validating what the child believes about feeling unlovable and unworthy. I hope that makes sense.

Granted, the analytic, intellectual part of me would much rather be trying CBT again because feelings suck, and the work has been hard, but for the first time I actually feel like I might be happy someday. I'm still early on in all of this, so I may feel differently 3 months down the line.
daisydid is offline   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Hugs from:
Unread 04-03-2017, 11:58 AM   #19
Grand Member
 
Werewoman's Avatar
Werewoman a bit, well...wered.
 
Member Since: May 2014
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 797
My Mood:

3 yr Member
466 hugs
given
Default Re: Do the effects of childhood abuse become stronger with time?

I've been in therapy off and on for well over a decade now. I've had a great deal of success with EMDR, though it doesn't work for everyone. At worst, it simply doesn't work, so there's no harm in trying it.

I healed myself by going back into the ruins of my childhood and rescuing that beaten and neglected little girl and putting her in a safe place where no one can hurt her anymore. Now, if I'm triggered back into the darkness, I try to remember that I'm safe now, and now that she is safe, I can focus on keeping myself safe. The people who hurt me would love to shut me up, and I refuse to go quietly.
__________________
You're only given one little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it. ~ Robin Williams

No one gets out alive, every day is do or die.
The one thing you leave behind...
Is how did you love, how did you love?
It's not what you believe; those prayers will make you bleed.
But while you're on your knees...
How did you love, how did you love, how did you love? ~ Shinedown


my ghost likes to travel so far in the unknown
my ghost likes to travel so deep into your space ~ Peter Gabriel

Werewoman is offline   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Hugs from:
Unread 04-06-2017, 03:47 PM   #20
Member
emptynightmare has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 134
My Mood:

53 hugs
given
Default Re: Do the effects of childhood abuse become stronger with time?

As a kid, I developed a protective depression because of my home life. As an adult, I think one has to be productive and self aware to survive - I can't keep my depression (I have to try to work past the depression). So I find that I'm sensitive to everything. Almost anything can upset me and send me back to that place.
emptynightmare is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 05:25 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2017, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.

advertisement

 

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice,
diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.
Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.

 

HomeAbout UsContact UsPrivacy PolicyTerms of UseDisclaimer
Forums HomeCommunity GuidelinesHelp

Helplines and Lifelines