Psych Central

Go Back   Forums at Psych Central > >



advertisement
Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 02-04-2019, 08:40 AM   #1
hEALerCOol
Junior Member
hEALerCOol has no updates.
 
Member Since: Feb 2019
Location: kvn
Posts: 13
My Mood: My parent fight a lot.....

Default My parent fight a lot.....

First please forgive me for my poor English since it is not my native language.
So, My parents fights a lot. But they are not like fights that normal parents would have, and it had begun since i was only 4 or 5. My mom would yell at my dad for almost everything if she is not in a good mood, and it did not take a long time until i found out that she just hates my dad. When my mom starts that yelling, she does not even care if i were there or not. Most of the time, my dad would not talk back because i think he doesnít want to scare me, but if he could not stand it he would still yell back though. I could still recall one of the most terrifying fight they had, i was there hugging my mom trying to calm her down and obviously it didnít work. This fight lasted for like 3 hours in the midnight, and i could barely fall asleep that night after they were done fighting.
Basically there will be no physical fight between them, but there were few times that my mom would throw things to my dad.
I tried to stop them when i was young, even though it failed every time, i never gave up trying. Itís like having a bomb at home waiting to explode, and this scared the hell out of me. And now, to be honest, i am just tired of having to stop them.
So I tried to be a cold person so that i donít have to feel that fear every time my mom is yelling. But it always end up me being cold to my friends and i would still be terrified when she is again being unreasonable.
Besides, not only will i feel fear, i will also be very angry sometimes, and when that happens, i would feel this urge to throw things to the floor,
Possible trigger:

I am not trying to talk to my mom about this because it will not work anyway. What i am trying to find is is there any way that i could lessen my fear or angry towards their fights? I am afraid that one day i might actually do something that would hurt her.

Last edited by bluekoi; 02-04-2019 at 10:35 AM.. Reason: Add trigger code.
hEALerCOol is offline   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:

advertisement
Old 02-04-2019, 01:31 PM   #2
Skeezyks
Apparition
 
Skeezyks's Avatar
Skeezyks has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2015
Location: L'Etoile du Nord
Posts: 16,881 (SuperPoster!)
My Mood: My parent fight a lot.....

3 yr Member
12.6k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Smile Re: My parent fight a lot.....

I'm sorry you are having to cope with all of this arguing. I'm an older person now. But many years ago, when I was growing up, I recall my parents fought a lot too. I can vaguely recall one incident where I tried to intervene. My father put me in my place quick-like & I don't think I ever tried that again.

I don't know as there is a lot I can suggest with regard to this. My personal opinion is that what is going on between your parents is between them. It has nothing to do with you directly. So my thinking would be that the best thing to do is to simply stay out of it, perhaps even leave the house for a while if possible. I remember riding away from home on my bicycle on one of my birthdays when my parents were arguing. Whether it's right or wrong, my experience tells me there's really nothing a child (even one of 17) can do to intervene when parents start fighting.

Having written all of that, here are links to 4 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that (hopefully) may be of some help. The first article is by our host Dr. John Grohol, Psy.D.:

We Are Responsible for Our Own Feelings

How to Keep Fear from Stealing Your Life

6 Ways to Stop Absorbing Other People's Emotions

Techniques for Teens: How to Cope with Your Emotions

My best wishes to you...
Skeezyks is offline   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Hugs from:
Old 02-04-2019, 02:08 PM   #3
MickeyCheeky
Wise Elder
 
MickeyCheeky's Avatar
MickeyCheeky My echo is the only voice coming back
 
Member Since: Jun 2016
Location: Italy
Posts: 9,076 (SuperPoster!)
My Mood: My parent fight a lot.....

2 yr Member
26.8k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: My parent fight a lot.....

I'm so sorry, hEALerCOol It sounds like you're living in an abusive environment right now. Is there any other family member you can reach out to? Any friends? Do you go to school? Perhaps you could ask for help to your teachers. I don't think it's fair you're growing up in such an hostile environment. You can't make them stop the fighting, but you can decide to go away from them if you can. I'm so sorry, please don't give up. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you
MickeyCheeky is online now   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Hugs from:
Old 02-04-2019, 02:16 PM   #4
Goforward
Member
Goforward has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jan 2019
Location: USA
Posts: 113 (SuperPoster!)
My Mood: My parent fight a lot.....

204 hugs
given
Default Re: My parent fight a lot.....

Hello and welcome. I'm glad you reached out.
Goforward is offline   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Hugs from:
Old 02-04-2019, 04:23 PM   #5
eskielover
Legendary Wise Elder
 
eskielover's Avatar
eskielover has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2004
Location: Kentucky, USA
Posts: 21,039 (SuperPoster!)
My Mood: My parent fight a lot.....

10 yr Member
10.8k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: My parent fight a lot.....

Just a little insight from someone who fought.....

I grew up with dysfunctional parents I fought with constantly & they verbally fought between themselves too. I went to college thinking my parents problem was lack of education.

While getting my degree I met a guy who was getting his degree & seemed intelligent. We SEEMED to get along ok then got married. My patience were already on overload from living with my parents for 21 years. Turned out after marriage my H just continued to push what little tolerance I had left. We fought from day one of marriage. Yes I saw some red flags right before the wedding & was going to call it off but I rationalized to myself that with his degree he couldn't possibly be like my dad.

We had 1 daughter & I know our fighting has something to do with her unsuccessful relationships too. I finally left the marriage after 33 years of fighting & for the first time in my life I have actually had a peace surround me & I no longer fight. I will stand up for myself but I do not have the constant stress causing environment around me & I have finally learned skills in communicating that I never learned growing up.

Basically my point is that my fighting was between me & my parents to start with then it was only between me & my H. Our daughter was no part of why we were fighting. She would just go up to her room & turn on her TV or turn up her music. She learned to distsnce herself from our fighting when it happened when she was around. She has learned to fight also when it becomes necessary.

No fighting is not what a marriage should be like & sometimes people get married who shouldn't have. Sometimes when a child comes into the picture some parents feel they will get a divorce after the child grows up....only problem with that is that the child loses out either way. They either have to cope with fighting or cope with patents getting divorced. Either way the child is effected negatively.

Best thing you can do is distance yourself. The fighting is between them & there is absolutely NOTHING you can do to change that so just stay away when fighting starts.

The problem is that usually when fighting gets to that point the love & respect a good marriage relationship is based on is usually gone. It would take excellent marriage counselling to even sort through the real cause let alone the work to repair the relationship assuming it was ever good in the first place. Divorce is the usual outcome when they have both had enough. It is all between them. Staying out of it completely is your best choice.
eskielover is offline   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Hugs from:
Old 02-05-2019, 12:25 AM   #6
hEALerCOol
Junior Member
hEALerCOol has no updates.
 
Member Since: Feb 2019
Location: kvn
Posts: 13
My Mood: My parent fight a lot.....

Default Re: My parent fight a lot.....

Quote:
Originally Posted by eskielover View Post
Just a little insight from someone who fought.....

I grew up with dysfunctional parents I fought with constantly & they verbally fought between themselves too. I went to college thinking my parents problem was lack of education.

While getting my degree I met a guy who was getting his degree & seemed intelligent. We SEEMED to get along ok then got married. My patience were already on overload from living with my parents for 21 years. Turned out after marriage my H just continued to push what little tolerance I had left. We fought from day one of marriage. Yes I saw some red flags right before the wedding & was going to call it off but I rationalized to myself that with his degree he couldn't possibly be like my dad.

We had 1 daughter & I know our fighting has something to do with her unsuccessful relationships too. I finally left the marriage after 33 years of fighting & for the first time in my life I have actually had a peace surround me & I no longer fight. I will stand up for myself but I do not have the constant stress causing environment around me & I have finally learned skills in communicating that I never learned growing up.

Basically my point is that my fighting was between me & my parents to start with then it was only between me & my H. Our daughter was no part of why we were fighting. She would just go up to her room & turn on her TV or turn up her music. She learned to distsnce herself from our fighting when it happened when she was around. She has learned to fight also when it becomes necessary.

No fighting is not what a marriage should be like & sometimes people get married who shouldn't have. Sometimes when a child comes into the picture some parents feel they will get a divorce after the child grows up....only problem with that is that the child loses out either way. They either have to cope with fighting or cope with patents getting divorced. Either way the child is effected negatively.

Best thing you can do is distance yourself. The fighting is between them & there is absolutely NOTHING you can do to change that so just stay away when fighting starts.

The problem is that usually when fighting gets to that point the love & respect a good marriage relationship is based on is usually gone. It would take excellent marriage counselling to even sort through the real cause let alone the work to repair the relationship assuming it was ever good in the first place. Divorce is the usual outcome when they have both had enough. It is all between them. Staying out of it completely is your best choice.
Thanks a lot for your advices, and actually I know distance myself from them is the best option when they are having a normal fight. But I canít just go outside every time this happens, I mean it happens like up to 5 or even more times a day, and it does not last long, probably takes only like 3 minutes. The problem is whenever she starts yelling, i will feel angry and fear at the same time and i canít just go outside every time that happens since those fights are very small and short. But it could still scare the hell out of me even itís very small.
Still thanks for giving those advices, it means a lot
hEALerCOol is offline   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 02-05-2019, 11:49 AM   #7
Thunder Bow
Elder
 
Thunder Bow's Avatar
Thunder Bow is a Medicine Man
 
Member Since: Sep 2012
Location: Arizona
Posts: 5,377 (SuperPoster!)
My Mood: My parent fight a lot.....

5 yr Member
1 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: My parent fight a lot.....

Buy inserting yourself into the argument, you are the intruder, the outsider. Thus you will get nowhere. You Mother probably had arguing parents as well, thus the anger. The same anger you now feel. You can not control or stop the fights. Your parents will fight no matter what. It is how they relate to each other. A long standing pattern.
Thunder Bow is offline   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Hugs from:
Old 02-05-2019, 02:58 PM   #8
eskielover
Legendary Wise Elder
 
eskielover's Avatar
eskielover has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2004
Location: Kentucky, USA
Posts: 21,039 (SuperPoster!)
My Mood: My parent fight a lot.....

10 yr Member
10.8k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: My parent fight a lot.....

Quote:
But it could still scare the hell out of me even itís very small.
What about it scares you when you said it is verbal & not physical & you said here short blowups???? What scares you about it?

Can't you go to your room & close your door?
eskielover is offline   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Hugs from:
Old 02-05-2019, 05:50 PM   #9
Open Eyes
Legendary
 
Open Eyes's Avatar
Open Eyes has no updates.
 
Member Since: Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 18,051 (SuperPoster!)
My Mood: My parent fight a lot.....

8 yr Member
14.8k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: My parent fight a lot.....

Given that you struggle with Autism Spectrum challenges, your parent's fighting can cause you to feel very aggitated and feeling a strong desire to stop the kind of disruptive environment they are creating. Individuals with your challenge tend to be extra sensitive which makes these challenges more difficult to handle. I am wondering if perhaps your father, maybe even your mother may also have Autism Spectrum challenges so this creates the conflict you are witnessing between your parents. This does happen as children can inherit certain conditions from a parent. For example my husband has dyslexia and so does my daughter, they tend to think differently than me and that can be challenging for me in that they both can have short fuses.

Given that you are more sensitive, the sound they make can affect you adversely as well, perhaps get some quality ear plugs to wear around them, set up your bedroom where it's as sound proof as possible and perhaps find soothing things that you can turn on that drown out their sounds when they argue. Your mother has shown you that when you try to help her it can make her get worse, so distance from her instead and either go outside or to your room where you can play music or sound recordings that are more calming for you. Don't choose to throw things, especially not sharp things, instead learn how to get away from them as I have mentioned.

Last edited by Open Eyes; 02-05-2019 at 06:21 PM..
Open Eyes is online now   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Hugs from:
Old 02-05-2019, 10:28 PM   #10
Open Eyes
Legendary
 
Open Eyes's Avatar
Open Eyes has no updates.
 
Member Since: Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 18,051 (SuperPoster!)
My Mood: My parent fight a lot.....

8 yr Member
14.8k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: My parent fight a lot.....

Quote:
your parent's fighting can cause you to feel very aggitated and feeling a strong desire to stop the kind of disruptive environment they are creating.
After thinking about this more while I was doing my chores around my farm, given your kind of sensitivity, when your parents argue and get loud, part of the challenge for you is that they don't present a pattern that you can follow in your mind. When someone is on the Autistic spectrum, they like things organized a certain way. They can have a hard time trying to explain it in a way that other's can understand. What your parents are doing gets loud, and doesn't make sense to you, I think that because your mother tends to get louder and angrier you tend to reach out to her to try to get her to stop. So lets say you were listening to music and all the instruments were right in front of you that you could step towards and touch. If most of the instruments were playing in order and the sounds they made all fit together nicely, you would be ok with that, but if one instrument disrupted that, you would want to reach out to it to stop it from disrupting things. It's like you need things to run in a clock work way and when you experience something that is different, it disturbs the way your personal clock runs. Actually, this tends to be one of the reasons individuals that are on the Autism Spectrum like to have their day run like clock work and have breakfast at a certain time, eat things a certain way, and eat certain kinds of foods etc. Also, this is why individuals on the spectrum tend to like video games so much because they can be in a world where everything can fit and make sense to them.

You do get angry and you don't want to hurt anyone, but you DO want the noise and these bursts of negative exchanges your parents engage in to stop. You keep asking them, but they keep fighting and they disrupt the order you need to experience in your environment. The only thing you can do is create a place you can retreat to that "has" order that helps you feel comfortable. Ear plugs help, but sometimes they don't completely block the noise. Often what can help is having earphones that play music or have some kind of soothing noise that your brain can follow that shuts out the noise and disruption your parents make in your environment.

I have been around children that struggle to different varying degrees on the Autistic spectrum. Once I begin to interact with them, I have to follow "their world" and when I do that things work out better.

What you could do when it comes to your parents is put up a sign on the refrigerator and say, "would you please stop causing so much loud noise in my environment, it upsets me. Please get help so you can learn how to stop making so much noise in my environment". I don't know if that will work, but you can "try".
Open Eyes is online now   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Hugs from:
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 04:22 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.




advertisement

 

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice,
diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider. .
Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.

 

HomeAbout UsContact UsPrivacy PolicyTerms of UseDisclaimer
Forums HomeCommunity GuidelinesHelp


 
Helplines and Lifelines