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Old 01-23-2019, 05:10 PM   #1
saidso
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Question Reassurance?

I've been looking through the threads wondering where to post this.
I am suddenly experiencing deep grief about not having been told that I am ok, that everything is ok.
My life is fine, I am functioning - this reflects the family that I grew up in which was functioning,
except like several billion other families on this earth - my mum died, my dad had a psychotic breakdown - and he hated children.

I am slightly dissociative due to the violence in the environment where I grew up and my father's extreme violence while psychotic, so...

Very occasionally there is the deep emotion going on inside me where I don't know the back story. There is a sense that my eyes, my brain, myself is concentrating hard on survival like my family did, and behind that tension in my eyes, my brain and my self - I don't know how to let the deeper part of me know I am ok, life is ok. Any more than my parents were able to communicate this okness.

This could come under trauma, dissociation, childhood neglect, children of alcoholics (similar dynamic tho' my parents were not alcholic) or a general human question. How do children survive needing reassurance when their environment is definitely not ok, and they are not wanted in their family, their school etc.

This is not about love. Until my mum died I received abundant love, which made her absence all the more puzzling.

The only tab that I have on it at the moment is needing to repeat that it's ok, I am ok, we are safe, life will be ok... and kind of knowing that it won't be. There should be a safe place inside every child which is resilient to life's not okayness?

I remember that a few weeks ago I felt peaceful, like a deep place of rest inside me whatever went off around me. I was able to create that for myself. Then I got very busy with the flow of life outside me, and the inside of me tried to stay cheerful. Now there is just grief, despite my taking quiet time to play and be gently with myself. I don't need anything specific, yet I have a deep need to reassurance absolutely some big person to be absolutely sure it's ok.

How on earth does anyone actually transmit this to their children? Is it possible??? This is for the relationship thread, because surely "being ok" is a basic requirement for healthy relationships?

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Old 01-23-2019, 05:36 PM   #2
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I went through childhood desperate for reassurance. As an adult I continue to seek it wherever I can. I don't know the answers. Sorry.
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Old 01-24-2019, 03:44 AM   #3
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Thank you very much Wishful Thinker. This is a deep need, and working with it isn't straightforward or easy. I look forward to learning - at least first thing this morning I feel more hopeful.

One strange thing I noticed...is that when I felt "OK" two/ three weeks ago, I was actually "escaping" through playing computer games. So methinks I'm interpreting this feeling as "worse" because I've stopped avoiding it.

I think this lies behind a lot of my deep vulnerabilities in therapy and in relationships. I do have a "gut feeling" which guides me, but being OK requires a lot more attentiveness than just survival. It's deep, not just like "you stole my oranges".

I don't know where this is going, but I am also noticing how different "OK" is for different adult people - but I wonder whether the basic child need behind that is the same?

Not analysing so much as listening and paying attention to what this need might give me that is positive. I didn't use to pay attention to being hungry, and now I notice and respond to that better.

Life can be desperate for adults, and how can they then communicate okayness to their children?
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Old 01-24-2019, 03:47 AM   #4
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P.S. I wonder how you seek reassurance Wishful Thinker, and whether that succeeds in making you feel more OK?
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Old 01-24-2019, 04:56 AM   #5
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There's this expression that I've heard from certain individuals during times of grief that came to mind regarding your looking for reassurance and being told everything is going to be ok.

It was something along the lines of "I'm not going to lie to you and tell you everything is going to be ok, because everything is not ok. There's going to be good days and some really dark and sad days. It's going to hurt. I will tell you, that you'll survive. That's what survivors do. And some day, you'll realize that the pain is less intense. And that you did survive."
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Old 01-24-2019, 05:27 AM   #6
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I'm so sorry for what you're going through, saidso It sounds like you have a lot to work through. Do you see a therapist? Maybe that could help. Do you have any idea of why are you starting to experience this just now? Is there anything that may have triggered you? Either way, I'm so sorry you didn't feel everything was ok when you were a child, which is probably when you needed it the most. Unfortunately our childhoods can have a great impact on our adult life. That's why we need to work through it. I hope you'll feel better soon. Please don't give up. You can do this! You're strong, I know that. I'm sorry I don't have a lot of advice to give. I can listen to what you have to say if you need to vent. Feel free to PM me anytime. I'm always available if you need to talk. Sending many hugs to you
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Old 01-24-2019, 04:45 PM   #7
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I am still totally confused about this, but that is typical of me when I need to learn something in the emotional world that is new. Sometimes it seems like I need to re-learn stuff totally from instinct onwards, and I eventually do - but the meantime is super uncomfortable. It's like I have stuff inside that "everyone knows already" but I don't know, I just have it poking at me. Sigh.
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Old 01-26-2019, 04:52 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by healingme4me View Post
There's this expression that I've heard from certain individuals during times of grief that came to mind regarding your looking for reassurance and being told everything is going to be ok.

It was something along the lines of "I'm not going to lie to you and tell you everything is going to be ok, because everything is not ok. There's going to be good days and some really dark and sad days. It's going to hurt. I will tell you, that you'll survive. That's what survivors do. And some day, you'll realize that the pain is less intense. And that you did survive."
Healing4Me: what you wrote felt intuitively right. There is a sense of loss involved. BUT the problem (thank goodness) is more a puzzle about building an emotional awareness that I haven't been trained for. It's like building a skill from total zero. I've had it before, and no one understands while you are going through it because I don't understand either - except the level of gentle attentiveness that is all I can bring.

It seems to be a PTSD thing.
thanks for your companionship along the road!
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Old 01-26-2019, 05:04 AM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky View Post
I'm so sorry for what you're going through, saidso It sounds like you have a lot to work through. Do you see a therapist? Maybe that could help. Do you have any idea of why are you starting to experience this just now? Is there anything that may have triggered you? Either way, I'm so sorry you didn't feel everything was ok when you were a child, which is probably when you needed it the most. Unfortunately our childhoods can have a great impact on our adult life. That's why we need to work through it. I hope you'll feel better soon. Please don't give up. You can do this! You're strong, I know that. I'm sorry I don't have a lot of advice to give. I can listen to what you have to say if you need to vent. Feel free to PM me anytime. I'm always available if you need to talk. Sending many hugs to you
Mickey Cheekey: I usually love your posts, but suggesting that I see a therapist always flips my anger trigger. Good therapists here cost 100 and there is absolutely no way that I can afford that. Having paid into the health system so that short-term immigrants who exploit can get general healthcare free, I often feel furious. I did however, lol, write about my dilemma to a good therapist and ask for a word of advice. They always write back saying "not enough time, can't help" but occasionally putting my need into words is helpful even knowing that I will get a door slammed in my face. This seemed like one of those times. I feel indifferent to the reply, just struggling to open some neuron connection in my own brain that doesn't know how to do it's stuff properly. If I keep paying attention one day I will find the trap door... probably/ perhaps.
I've had therapeutic doors slammed in my face for 37 years. Not nice, and often terribly distressing. But once in a while asking someone about my needs flips the door that opens inside my own brain to start a solution.
So I did.
There are huge political issues about therapy here which which I know better than to go into on a site when most people are heavily dependent on the process.
Thank goodness that one crazy dying therapist put a few good words in my ear 40 yrs ago, saying: "use your own wisdom" or I would be dead.
I put a wink on top of this thread because this morning is a buoyant morning for me. Just don't post me suggesting therapy please - though I know you do that out of kindness! Zillions of people in this big world can't do that option and need to work with/ create other resources.

Posting this thread made me understand that I am in a struggle place where most people won't "get" it. But I appreciate the willingness to be kind and open to others on PC!!! Hugs back to you.
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Old 01-26-2019, 05:12 AM   #10
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I'm so sorry, saidso, I didn't mean to trigger you I hope you'll feel better soon. Sending many hugs to you
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