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Old 09-10-2018, 06:56 PM   #1
Blueberrybook
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I have anorexia - purging type, but no one in my family sees it. H ignores it, and it is easy for him to ignore, for my daughter to be oblivious becomes all of my purging comes in the form of overexercise (nearly all of it running/jogging). So I go on these God-awful long runs in the morning, sometimes broken in half between the time H is getting ready for work, so I'm home when he leaves, then again, once I drop my daughter off at school.

Around H and my daughter, I eat meals normally. I may eat meals on my own normally or at least mini-meals throughout the day. Lately not doing great at that except on weekends.

There is a point in my exercise routine somewhere (and I don't know it, be it time, miles, another factor) when I hit a point I just cannot eat enough to make up for that calorie deficit. I am under a lot of stress & anxiety/panic, and I channel a lot of that into running, and sometimes I run and pretty much get lost in my head, not thinking about all the stuff bothering me.

I definitely don't weigh as much as I should. There is no hiding that from the family. I might be practically skin & bones, but most people wouldn't look at me and think and see "ED", so for all appearances, my life is normal, but it is not.

I don't talk about it to H. To him, it's simple, just exercise less and eat more. Same with pdoc, though it does feel like pdoc is beginning to lose patience with me not decreasing my exercise and/or eating a distance runner's diet.

And yet it's almost like because I have this ED that no one really sees, my husband just doesn't understand how hard & complicated it makes my life and that it is another valid mental disorder I have that he doesnít see, just like bipolar disorder or panic disorder or PTSD. But itís something else H chooses not to see (my thinness), if he knew the number, he would be flipping out, but I just hide that too, just like the times I have to function under 2 to 3 hour panic attacks, he just canít understand. Same as the fibromyalgia, another valid there but not apparent disorder. I have many times when I think the ED is the very worst of my diagnoses because at some point, panic attacks do lessen, and sometimes the bipolar gives me a nice good feeling run with hypomania, and fibromyalgia flares come and go. But you eat daily, and itís worse having to cook meals 3 times a day. Added anxiety when I cannot exercise, meals (though holidays are the worst), feelings of guilt if I eat a cupcake or dessert. It is relentless. I was watching TV, saw a weight loss ad and thought gee, maybe I need to go on a diet. Even weight restored these thoughts never go away 100%.

Had a very off day today.
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Bupropion XL 150 mg, Seroquel 500 mg, Lamictal 400 mg, Clonazepam 1 mg 4/day, Clonidine 0.3 mg, Propanolol 10 mg 3/day, Buspar 30 mg 2/day, Adderall 40 mg, Trazodone 25 mg, Protonix 20 mg (ulcer) , Gabapentin 600 mg (fibro), Tizandine 4 mg 4/day (fibro)

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And that has made all the difference.
--Robert Frost

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Old 09-14-2018, 11:06 PM   #2
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Default Re: who else has an ED no one sees?

I can definitely appreciate this. I'm sorry you are struggling unseen.
I was recently at a family event where a great deal of concern was expressed for a relative due to her weight loss. (caused by medical conditions, not eating disorder) They repeated her weight numerous times, and how shocking it was. I struggled to express appropriate sympathy (even though I did feel care and concern) because my own weight is quite a bit lower. No one is concerned for me. Not that i want anyone to be. So it's a confusing feeling for me.
I hope you can be successful in communicating your feelings to your loved ones, and that they will hear and see you.
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Old 09-20-2018, 10:44 PM   #3
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You say an eating disorder no one sees but maybe people see it but keep it to themselves as they don't know what to say. Would you want them nagging at you to eat--I don't know if that does a person any good. It's the person with the eating disorder that needs to take the initiative and try and do what is best for all.

I think all of us can say we have an eating disorder no one sees because we may not talk about it but people have an idea that something is wrong; at least those who really care do, I think and I hope.

I know you have started getting help with a new T and that is a great step for you. I really hope you will be able to overcome this difficult disorder. I had it for years and never told anyone. Now I have a different diagnosis of ED. I have made a decision that I'm going to try and do what it takes to beat this--of course there will be set backs as there always are but progress isn't easy but it's better than the other choice.
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Old 09-23-2018, 04:50 PM   #4
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EDs can be and are invisible to alot of people, I agree, but I am talking about it being invisible to your SO, particularly if you are married or live together. Then, you tell them I think I am having a problem, and they say, no, you just run a lot because of stress. You donít have an ED. I canít see it.

H and I had a long talk last week about our marriage, my psych diagnoses, he blew off the ED. But then, I told H, you donít understand, the running connects to my weight, connects to my self-esteem and anxiety. I donít want his pity or telling me what to do, but I do want him to realize I am fighting the same monster I did in college (still the toughest thing I have ever done) and to realize while the solution might be simple to him, it is not so straightforward to me. I know I ultimately make my own fate. Even if a person ends up weight restored after a stay at an ED place, the instant they get out, they will go back to their old ways unless they truly want to change.

But IDK, maybe I am not able to stress my problems well or even my pain (physical or otherwise). I told H I was having problems with my memory, and I donít think he took it seriously until he saw it firsthand yesterday when I was just trying to clean one kitchen counter. And then, he was like whoa! Call your pdoc right now! (Pdoc does have a mobile number he uses for pretty urgent matters that are not 911 matters over the weekend or while on vacation; pdoc told me to lower the dosage of a med.). If itís not the psych meds or stress, maybe I need to see the PCP, get other stuff tested. H said heíd thought I was acting a little ditzy, but he in no way realized how bad it was. Suddenly, H was like this issue is extremely urgent. And I really think the memory issue is not caused by the ED; even at its worst, the ED never made me have such difficulties with memories and not during my last relapse either.

Same thing happened when I was pregnant, having contractions, dilated 6 cm when we got to the hospital. All morning I had told H I was having contractions, but I guess I acted so calm about the amount of pain (which got worse and worse) until our last 30 minutes or so at home when I was crying from the pain and told H we needed to go to the hospital now. He kept saying no way was I having contractions (later he said I just didnít seem to convey quite how much pain I was in), and when we got to the hospital, I was 6 cm dilated, and by 9 PM that night we had a new baby girl.

So part of it maybe that I donít easily convey very extreme, hard, or difficult things, which makes it often seem to others if I say things are bad or very bad, they just canít be, looking at things on the surface.
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Bipolar 1, PTSD, anorexia/EDNOS, Panic Disorder, ADHD

Bupropion XL 150 mg, Seroquel 500 mg, Lamictal 400 mg, Clonazepam 1 mg 4/day, Clonidine 0.3 mg, Propanolol 10 mg 3/day, Buspar 30 mg 2/day, Adderall 40 mg, Trazodone 25 mg, Protonix 20 mg (ulcer) , Gabapentin 600 mg (fibro), Tizandine 4 mg 4/day (fibro)

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
two roads diverged in a wood, and I -
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
--Robert Frost
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