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Old 09-13-2018, 03:40 PM   #661
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I'm swirling between wanting to be healthy and wanting to restrict. I need to lose the weight I've gained from the bingeing/purging, can't stand it.
I struggle too. I want to gain and stop at X number where I am still thin but not so bony. I want to be able to contain the weight gain to the last ounce, or I fear I will immediately become morbidly obese, despite never being obese in my life. I maybe needed to lose 5 lb. in high school and was uncomfortable with my looks, but I wasnít even considered chubby, much less fat or obese. Though serious obesity runs on my momís side of the family. One of my two sisters is obese too, and I donít want to end up like that.

But now there are clothes I donít wear any more just to not freak people out. Bones, you know.

Did I do good today? No. I ran and ran and ran, maybe the farther pest I have ever run (though I have run/walked that distance before). Seeing a T tomorrow. Hope maybe she can help.
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Bupropion 150 XR, Seroquel 400 mg, Lamictal 400 mg, Clonazepam 1 mg 4/day, Clonidine 0.3 mg, Propanolol 10 mg 3/day, Buspar 30 mg 2/day, Adderall 20 mg, Protonix 20 mg (post-ulcer med), Gabapentin 100 mg 3/day (fibro), Tizandine 4 mg 4/day (fibro)

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
two roads diverged in a wood, and I -
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
--Robert Frost
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Old 09-13-2018, 03:57 PM   #662
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Blue_Bird View Post
I'm swirling between wanting to be healthy and wanting to restrict. I need to lose the weight I've gained from the bingeing/purging, can't stand it.
I struggle too. I want to gain and stop at X number where I am still thin but not so bony. I want to be able to contain the weight gain to the last ounce, or I fear I will immediately become morbidly obese, despite never being obese in my life. I maybe needed to lose 5 lb. in high school and was uncomfortable with my looks, but I wasnít even considered chubby, much less fat or obese. Though serious obesity runs on my momís side of the family. One of my two sisters is obese too, and I donít want to end up like that.

But now there are clothes I donít wear any more just to not freak people out. Bones, you know.

Did I do good today? No. I ran and ran and ran, maybe the farther pest I have ever run (though I have run/walked that distance before). Seeing a T tomorrow. Hope maybe she can help.

Had to pick up my daughter from school. She threw up 3 times. She cannot go to school tomorrow because they have a policy if the nurse sends your child home for vomiting, diarrhea, fever, they have to be well for 24 hr. before they can go back to school. The nurse said a bug is going around, but I think my daughter may be gearing up to start her cycle, and that will be fun as she hates blood. I was 12 when I started; she is only 10.5 but all the puberty developments are there. I especially started to wonder when she said her back hurt too. But my youngest sister threw up every time with her period until my mom took her to the gynecologist and she got on the pill. So weíll see. I really hope if it is her period, she wonít throw up every cycle. She said she felt fine when I picked her up from school and hasnít thrown up all day.
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Bipolar 1, PTSD, anorexia/EDNOS, Panic Disorder, ADHD

Bupropion 150 XR, Seroquel 400 mg, Lamictal 400 mg, Clonazepam 1 mg 4/day, Clonidine 0.3 mg, Propanolol 10 mg 3/day, Buspar 30 mg 2/day, Adderall 20 mg, Protonix 20 mg (post-ulcer med), Gabapentin 100 mg 3/day (fibro), Tizandine 4 mg 4/day (fibro)

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
two roads diverged in a wood, and I -
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
--Robert Frost
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Old 09-14-2018, 03:53 AM   #663
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Ate with coworkers at lunch, even if it was just a small salad and tin of salmon. Luckily no one judges in that space That's really cool.
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Old 09-14-2018, 02:17 PM   #664
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Trying to get back on track... realized I need to eat and that the restricting just perpetuates the eventual bingeing and purging. I see my nutritionist next week
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Old 09-14-2018, 04:03 PM   #665
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Seeing a new T in around a half hour. Not going to mention ED if I can help it. Thatís seems to put therapists off taking me on if they are not ED specialists. Right now damn bipolar racing thoughts & anxiety are #1 issues. I changed my top though. The tank top I put on today showed too many bones. Put on jeans and a short-sleeved shirt. ED hopefully looks much less obvious.
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Bipolar 1, PTSD, anorexia/EDNOS, Panic Disorder, ADHD

Bupropion 150 XR, Seroquel 400 mg, Lamictal 400 mg, Clonazepam 1 mg 4/day, Clonidine 0.3 mg, Propanolol 10 mg 3/day, Buspar 30 mg 2/day, Adderall 20 mg, Protonix 20 mg (post-ulcer med), Gabapentin 100 mg 3/day (fibro), Tizandine 4 mg 4/day (fibro)

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
two roads diverged in a wood, and I -
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
--Robert Frost
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Old 09-14-2018, 04:19 PM   #666
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H told me today he believes I have bipolar and I have PTSD and panic disorder by not an ED. WTF? Of course, I have the type of anorexia that's easiest to hide, the type where people think you just exercise too much, that's all. You can stop any time you want. ED thoughts shouldn't guilt a person with purging type anorexia, especially if the purging is done in the form of overexercise?! I am skin & bones. He'd flip if he knew the number on the scale. Still I continue the charade.

Have been this weight several months but had a little scale drop today. I think I dehydrated myself yesterday running too much...(and in the background, the ED cheers, even if it's just water weight).
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Bipolar 1, PTSD, anorexia/EDNOS, Panic Disorder, ADHD

Bupropion 150 XR, Seroquel 400 mg, Lamictal 400 mg, Clonazepam 1 mg 4/day, Clonidine 0.3 mg, Propanolol 10 mg 3/day, Buspar 30 mg 2/day, Adderall 20 mg, Protonix 20 mg (post-ulcer med), Gabapentin 100 mg 3/day (fibro), Tizandine 4 mg 4/day (fibro)

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
two roads diverged in a wood, and I -
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
--Robert Frost

Last edited by Blueberrybook; 09-14-2018 at 08:19 PM..
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Old 09-14-2018, 07:19 PM   #667
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This eating is a struggle for all of us here I see. I go from not wanting to eat at all to binging on a box of crackers. Why so extreme I wonder. I guess I need to find the happy middle of eating. I really have little appetite today. Didn't eat as many crackers as yesterday and they aren't high in calories. I hate the scale but am obsessed with using it much of the time. I need to try and just weigh myself once a week or month even. I watch every pound go up and down. I used to be bulimic years ago but it won't work anymore and now I won't even try because blood could come up my esophagus from the cirrhosis. Oh, what a life this is. I was so very depressed today I just kept going back to sleep. Everything shuts off when sleeping.
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Old 09-14-2018, 08:26 PM   #668
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Got attacked by someone on the bipolar board for telling someone who kept repeating ED stuff to take it to the ED board...it doesn't really belong on BP and it is triggering for people who are BP with EDs.

Saw a new T today. I haven't actually been in therapy awhile, not for ED's or anything else like bipolar racing thoughts or needing better coping mechanisms outside of exercise. She seems nice and said she'd take me on. Granted, I did tell her I was only going to therapy at this moment in time because of my CPS case, but I would have tried again eventually. I always do. It's a pattern. I guess it's been around a year, year & a half since I tried therapy. The best news is the new T practices basically a 5 minute drive from my house, which is so much easier than having to drive 30-45 minutes every week to see a T, especially if driving makes you anxious & causes you to have panic attacks. I never knew there was a T so close, but she borrows space at a storefront in a nearby shopping center, which explains how I never knew there was a practicing T nearby.

We did touch some on the ED stuff. I was holding my breath there because once some T's hear ED, they are done with you and don't want to take you on, but she said she's fine working with me and uses CBT mostly. I have a lot of issues to work on; needing better coping mechanisms for stress instead of just exercise, bipolar racing thoughts, self-esteem that's in the ditch, having no friends, the ED (which I think goes back to child molestation as well as being raised by an angry, overbearing father). Made an appointment for next week, and I hope she'll work out.
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Bipolar 1, PTSD, anorexia/EDNOS, Panic Disorder, ADHD

Bupropion 150 XR, Seroquel 400 mg, Lamictal 400 mg, Clonazepam 1 mg 4/day, Clonidine 0.3 mg, Propanolol 10 mg 3/day, Buspar 30 mg 2/day, Adderall 20 mg, Protonix 20 mg (post-ulcer med), Gabapentin 100 mg 3/day (fibro), Tizandine 4 mg 4/day (fibro)

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
two roads diverged in a wood, and I -
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
--Robert Frost
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Old 09-15-2018, 02:31 AM   #669
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Glad you got a new t who accepts you as you are! That's always promising.
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Old 09-15-2018, 10:38 AM   #670
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gained weight too fat need to loses it want to stop eating but my husband will make me eat
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