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Old 10-06-2017, 12:19 PM   #1
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Default The aftermath of divorce

I found a boyfriend who is lovely and kind and fun - he just acts like a single person. He has a grown up son, is a widower and has always dreamed of doing a lot of things. I have four grownup children and I am happy when I am doing things with them. It has been puzzling on how to reinvent myself, I am going to leave my boyfriend, and see how I can enjoy life while being a fifty three year old divorced mom. It is hard to act without fear, I thought I would never even get laid again.
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Old 10-08-2017, 01:18 AM   #2
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Why not keep the boyfriend? I'm confused.
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Old 10-10-2017, 11:46 AM   #3
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I did keep my boyfriend. We have different goals and ways we want to spend our lives. I couldn't see how he had space in his life with all the plans he had. However, I decided to say and do what is important to me, let him do the same, and to see where we end up. I found I was glaring a lot and being cool when I didn't like his behavior, and changing my behavior when he looked hurt. I would like to try and get along with the idea that both of us can deal with our own insecurities, discomfort.
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Old 10-10-2017, 11:12 PM   #4
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Sounds to me like a good plan.
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Old 10-11-2017, 12:04 AM   #5
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I would like to know why I have so many people commenting on my life, on who I am, what I do, and where I am going, now that I am divorced. I am a 53 year old divorcee, left, trying to live with joy. It feels like I don't have the protection of being a mom, so it's a free for all. I am sexual, powerful, opinionated, full of laughter and learning. Perhaps we could have a "Be kind to 50 year old women day." It is mostly my ex leading the target practice but it feels really vulnerable out here trying to live with joy.
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Old 10-11-2017, 12:21 AM   #6
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Default Re: The aftermath of divorce

I'm starting my life all over again after a certain age, so I find your words so inspiring! Please do NOT allow people to take your happiness away. Remeber that you are "sexual, powerful, opinionated, full of laughter and learning." There is absolutely no need for a "Be kind to 50 year old women day." You are not a victim, you are a strong remarkable and full of youth but mature woman. If people say otherwise, who cares?? let them say, you know the truth within yourself.
When it comes to new relationships after a divorce, don't settle for the ones that you have to change the way you are, there's a lot of fish in the sea. If you feel happy, great, if not, it is okay to let go.

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Old 10-13-2017, 12:50 AM   #7
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I wanted to be kind to my ex, to work with him when it came to our kids, and to work with him when it came to sharing our assets. Now I feel stupid. We never got on, we never saw eye to eye on issues, or on the children. I think I was trying to pressure him into kind cordial behavior, and he just acted like he always has. I keep learning things about myself, which is good, I guess. Life was getting pretty horrid when I felt like a victim.
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Old 10-16-2017, 11:31 AM   #8
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I imagined my ex and I could go down the path of friendship. He cheated on me and left me for his mistress when I was fifty. I actually felt peaceful and happy after I got over the shock of being in such a vulnerable position. It seems he has an agenda that he is never going to get over with me. He wants to fix me for the sake of my children, for him, and for the way I manage my divorce settlement. It sounds like I am a cat. I am going to go to therapy to learn how to tell someone to mind their own business in a firm neutral way.
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Old 10-16-2017, 03:22 PM   #9
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I don't see what the grounds for friendship would be. Ideally, the two of you should wish each other well and treat each other with courtesy. Hopefully, you can collaborate appropriately in your roles as co-parents. There might even be occasional favors you and he might do for each other. None of that rises to the level of friendship, necessarily. Friendship is a pretty sacred thing in my book. Formerly married people normally do continue to have concern for each other's welfare. In some cases there does emerge what could be described as friendship. Maybe someday the two of you will have that. But you don't right now, and I wouldn't try to force that.

What you've gone through has left you feeling betrayed. It's appropriate to feel that. Let's not try to dress this up as something that's fine and okay - like he needed to move on and you need to be fine with that. You don't. The ending of this marriage was not a mutual decision. You were commited. He reneged. I'm not saying that anyone should stay in a marriage who really wants out of it. I would not want a man to stay with me because he feels he has to. But someone who walks out on me is not "my friend." Doesn't mean that person becomes my enemy, but this is someone in whom my trust was misplaced - if marriage means anything - so I'm not going to keep making that same mistake.

So, yeah, let him mind his own business. You don't need "fixing" by the likes of him. Be businesslike in your interactions with him. He lost his claim to being involved in "shaping" you, when he walked. Don't share with him what belongs to you. Spend zero time letting him advise you on how you need to conduct yourself. Learn to briskly change the subject when he gets into what's not his business. Do this and your self-esteem will be the better for it.

We know that, in his eyes, you're not good enough. That's why he left. But "not good enough for him" doesn't need to be your assessment of yourself. Are his values so impecable that he should be the arbiter of your worth? Maybe they are. Maybe he has accurately appraised you, and you are so severely flawed that no one in their right mind would show you the time of day. Yeah, sure. That's not what I'ld bet my money on. If anything, you've probably - for a long time - given far too much weight to what he thinks. I wouldn't depend on this guy's judgement to pick out a ripe tomato for me.

Go to therapy, if it would help you feel supported. You probably do need to work on boundaries. If you have trouble maintaining appropriate boundaries between yourself and him, then it's likely that this is an issue with you in general. So that's a good thing to work on. Being open to advice is a good thing, but one can be too open. If you're getting more unsolicited advice than seems genuinely helpful, then make yourself a lot less available as an audience for that sermonizing, or however he (or anyone else) does it. Before trying to have some friendship with your ex, I think you first need to master backing him off. It's a learnable skill, no matter what type of personality you happen to be.

That "so many people" are "commenting" on what's not their business tells me that you are probably too open and approachable. You're being disrespected. Try taking a lot less interest in what people think. They'll notice that, and you'll get targeted less. Never underestimate the vastness of other people's stupidity. I wish you well in the freedom and joy of your new independence.
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Old 10-17-2017, 10:24 AM   #10
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Thank you Rose 76. I felt like you gave me a long hug and told me I was going to be okay. I am going to keep your words and go back to them.
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