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Unread 07-22-2017, 06:48 PM   #1
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Default What was your breaking point?

Just curious how you came to grips that it is over.
He keeps saying he is leaving, but has not yet...I think he will stay here as long as I keep paying most of the bills and live completely separate lives.
I think my deadline will be the second week of August. If he is not out by then, I will go to a lawyer and start putting things in motion.
This week has been rough...I know now that I want a companion...someone to talk to and share life with...not a person who is still "here" because of the dog.
As much as it will hurt the kids (they are the only reason I let this go on) they need to know that this is not right. This is not how you treat a person in general.
Over the past few years I have blamed myself...he has blamed me...but it is not me.
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Unread 07-24-2017, 11:12 PM   #2
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Default Re: What was your breaking point?

I came to grips that it was over at my second son's 4th birthday party when after my (now ex) husband had had a couple of beers and caused the biggest scene and in this scene prevented my mom, the grandmother from coming in. Then an even bigger scene that evening in our home. The papers were already drawn up. My maternal grandmom had helped pay the retainer. Whatever lingering emotion about "but he's their dad" "but he loves them""but the kids development, et al" disappeared. After that display, there was no logic remaining in my self doubts.

And that's how I came to grips with my decision to proceed with my divorce. It's been over 7 years since nisi and coming upon 7 years absolut. Divorce terms in MA. That son turns 12 soon. He really pushes the topic of not remembering things from his early years for some unknown reason.

I read here someone's T had mentioned that it's not divorce, per se that affects, it's how parents handle it. I've usually explained it as they have grown up that sometimes certain moms and dads don't live very well under the same roof. This has become their norm. I'm sure that they may have noticed sometimes various financial differences in their father's and my own habits. They need not piece together the whole picture at this point. Maybe they'll ask me some day. Then again maybe they won't and it will be a non issue for them? That was definitely one area that he and I didn't mix well on.

Maybe in your case, the only way to get him out is through the divorce filing? I remember that there was a form that the lawyer could have used. And I remember going through mandated parenting classes and most everyone was under the same roof pending house sales or the completion of divorce.

Hope that helps.
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Unread 07-26-2017, 12:00 AM   #3
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Default Re: What was your breaking point?

For me it was an accumulation of everything over the 33 years I stayed with him. Until the last 23 I had lost myself in my computer engineering career & basically avoided him. It was a lack of emotional connection for the whole 33 years that I just started observing at the end.

I hated the stupid look he would give me when I tried to talk to him like I was the one speaking a foreign language. Trying to figure out how to say things so he would understand was exhausting. My depression was so bad that he had to take over finances & running the house because I was in & out of psych hospitals & medical hospitals with anorexia so it was impossible for me to handle anything....couldn't even care for myself....but when I needed to know something he would tell me whatever was on the top of his head whether it was fact or not. When my mom was dx'ed with cancer, I was calling her every night. I had no idea where he had filed our phone contracts & adds we're always saying unlimited calling after 9pm but wanted to know what our contract was. He assured me that he knew it was unlimited calling at that time of night. Ended up with a $400 phone bill because OUR CONTRACT wasn't unlimited after 9pm. I was seriously getting sick of him answering questions totally incorrectly when the information was critical to know. He could NEVER SAY "I don't know I need to look it up" & he was so absolutely sure that what he was saying was correct when he was ALWAYS WRONG. I realized that as long as I was married there was no way I could be in enough control to know everything. He was always doing irresponsible things without ever telling me. He would say he was hoping to take care of something but never do it, then the phone would ring from a collection agency because he just never bothered to get around to handling.....ALL THE THINGS I did when I was holding down my 70 hour/week engineering career....but he wasn't capable.

After my mom died I decided to sell her home & buy a farm 2100 miles away. It wasn't specifically with the intention of leaving him at the time but I came here to work on getting it ready to move into. The whole time I was here during that time, I never thought about him or missed him....NOT EVEN ONCE. I realized how wonderfully peaceful it was without him. How easy it was to be in control of my own finances. How awesome it was to be able to eat foods that just I likes without having to think about whether he would like it too. Life was awesome without him & I didn't want that awesome to change.

There have been several final straws since that point which pointed out just how dysfunctional his mind really is & I'm glad I no longer am living anywhere close to him. His inability to ever communicate got hme into the most trouble with me when he didn't bother to tell me about the letter from the IRS about a whole bunch of back tax money owed on my inheritance Monet that he blew the calculation on because HE WAS SO SURE HE WAS DOING IT RIGHT & while I was in out patient day treatment trying to deal with the PTSD I ended up with thanks to my mom, he refused to take our taxes to the accountant I had taken my mom's final taxes to. I found out 11 months later when I received the 2nd letter from the IRS threatening to take action. His excuse for not telling me was that he didn't understand the letter or what they were saying so he ignored it because he knew he was right but couldn't find the tax return to figure out what they were claiming. I spent years working directly with the IRS to get it paid but forced him to take a small retirement fund from a company he had worked that just covered the payment so I did get even....but it was continual crap like that I had been dealing with that finally pushed me into overload. After leaving & looking back I realize that all those psych hospitalizations & suicide attempts were my way of trying to escape that bad marriage I was financially trapped in until after my mom died. Wow was that an enlightening discovery. I ended up walking out of that marriage with only my inheritance because all our 401k's were gone thanks to his financial irresponsibility when he had to take over. The price of freedom....worth every cent!!!!
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Unread 08-05-2017, 08:48 PM   #4
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Default Re: What was your breaking point?

As Eskielover points out, sometimes it's not the dreadful awful vile things my wife says or the violent scary things she does; sometimes it's the quiet peaceful feeling of going to bed and not worrying about being slapped or stabbed in the middle of the night (the first happened, so far second hasn't). And then waking up at a friend's house, knowing there isn't breakfast in the fridge but not caring because it's just quiet and safe and peaceful. And realizing at that point how far gone the relationship is.
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Unread 08-13-2017, 08:33 AM   #5
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Default Re: What was your breaking point?

The breaking point, well I'd have to say was when the ex suddenly started living a completely different life from me, taking off cross -country to see k-pop concert (a very recent obsession of hers), and in the three months after losing my job, asking "What should I do if I find someone else I want to have sex with?"
Yet I'm the a**hole, and she's the aggrieved party.....
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Unread 08-13-2017, 09:03 AM   #6
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Default Re: What was your breaking point?

When did I realise it was over.

Well, we were living separately, and the kids were visiting him on the weekends, well on Saturdays.

My girls already didn't want to visit,but the boys were desperate too.
one sat when I turned up to drop the kids off he was still out his face from the night before.
I gave him money for food and left. When I back 7 hrs later to find him asleep and the boys hadn't even taken their coats off.
He passed out and left them too it all day.
I didn't say a word,just collected the boys and took them home.

I was still dithering thinking it could work...somehow I could fix it, then in the taxi home my 3 and a half year old, autistic son who had never spoken a word in his life, said quietly
' I don't want to go anymore,..don't want to see dad'

I looked at this little boy,who felt so strongly about it,he made self speak, and I thought. WTF am I doing!!!

Never looked back, or saw him agAin.
And he never bothered to look me or his 6 kids up again.
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Unread 08-18-2017, 10:02 PM   #7
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Default Re: What was your breaking point?

Sometimes life presents us with an array of options to choose from, none of which is appealing. You have my sympathy becaise I have been there, and I have hated it. "There must be another option, if I can just come up with it." - has been my response to being where you are. So we think and we think and we just keep thinking (and taking no action) because somehow there's got to be another option that will give us an outcome we can feel good about. Maybe there just isn't.

Metal, you've given this relationship a ton of thought. Maybe it's time to give up looking for an alternative that doesn't exist. When is enough enough? Only you can decide that. But this guy is not going to change. You know that. As you say, he is sticking around for the free roof over his head. So he is not going to initiate separating from you. He'll keep things just the way they are, which - for you - is insufferable. But you're wanting him to be the one to walk out. Why do you need him to be the one to end this insanity? Why dies he get to control how long this farce lasts? What woukd be wrong with you taking the bull by the horns and being the one to decide what happens next?

Here's, maybe, a new way of looking at your situation. You can either live your life, or you can let life be something that "happens" to you. The first way puts you in the driver's seat, while the second way keeps you vulnerable to victimization. If you get behind the wheel, you might make some wrong terms. I think that's what you're avoiding. Your fear of having control is excessive. Even on your worst day, making a few inept or inexperienced decisions, you will drive in a better direction than this jerk is ever going to take you and those kids. Stop waiting to see what he's going to do. That's you just waiting for life to "happen." Get behind the wheel and drive. Or . . . . . . . keep waiting . . . and waiting . . . and waiting.

I lived with a free-loading alcoholic for seven years. Then I left. I'm not sure what became the last straw that gave me the impetus to walk. He borrowed my car to go to work, but didn't. His job called looking for him, and I found my car parked outside a bar and him inside. I was in school training for a good job. I'ld already flunked out of school before. I felt like I was in danger of not completing nursing school, if I stayed living with the craziness of someone coming home drunk 3 times a week. I was not going to risk letting myself be cheated like that. So I found a place of my own and moved. It felt so lonely for about a week. Then it felt so great. I wondered why it took me seven years to make the move.

Maybe you don't have something that you see in danger of losing by keeping him around. Maybe you don't think him being there is really costing you anything, other than money you'ld be spending anyway. But you're a relatively young woman, as I was. You are being shut out of opportunities that you don't even realize are there because, with him around, certain opportunitues will not even present themselves. I won't promise that, once he's gone, you'll find a really great guy to be with instead. No one knows what will happen. But I would be very surprised if, like me, you don't discover that getting a deadbeat off your back feels great - even better than you can imagine now.

Don't let this become you trying to negotiate with him. Simply move on.
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Unread 09-14-2017, 12:18 PM   #8
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Default Re: What was your breaking point?

I only had love for my ex. I realized how unhealthy he is when he said he was going to do everything necessary to drive my son to the bottom of his life. My son is an addict. I am working on looking at myself as though I deserve to be treated with love too. I am tough enough to Outlast almost anything but I like being soft and loving and full of joy. It sounds hard where you are, I hope you have people to hug and love you.
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Unread 09-14-2017, 12:53 PM   #9
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Default Re: What was your breaking point?

Quote:
Originally Posted by metalchick View Post
Just curious how you came to grips that it is over.
He keeps saying he is leaving, but has not yet...I think he will stay here as long as I keep paying most of the bills and live completely separate lives.
I think my deadline will be the second week of August. If he is not out by then, I will go to a lawyer and start putting things in motion.
This week has been rough...I know now that I want a companion...someone to talk to and share life with...not a person who is still "here" because of the dog.
As much as it will hurt the kids (they are the only reason I let this go on) they need to know that this is not right. This is not how you treat a person in general.
Over the past few years I have blamed myself...he has blamed me...but it is not me.
Im glad you recognize that you have reached the end and have set a deadline. Congratulations!

In my opinion doing it "for the kids" is not a good reason to stay in a bad relationship. To me that's just teaching them that it is ok to remain in a bad situation. Teach by example. Teach that it is OK to take care of your needs.
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Unread 09-14-2017, 12:56 PM   #10
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Default Re: What was your breaking point?

I'm back with my boyfriend now, but when we broke up, I was to the point where his behavior and lack of change was so dark and abysmal that I just couldn't handle it anymore. I had to leave for my own mental health's sake.
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