Psych Central

Go Back   Forums at Psych Central > General > Relationships & Communication > Divorce and Separation



advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
Unread 07-04-2017, 02:41 AM   #1
Member
 
j1llyb3an's Avatar
j1llyb3an has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2016
Location: United States
Posts: 56
My Mood:

4 hugs
given
Frown Alone in my own home and I don't live alone

I've never felt so unsure about anything in my life, even though everything in my heart tells me what is happening is wrong.

First off, I know that I am not winning any awards for best spouse or mother any time soon. I've made poor choices that have put our family in trouble, both financially and emotionally. For that I have felt a great deal of shame and have probablly endured more than I've needed to because of it. It started ten years ago when I had an emotional affair. Our second child was born a year before and my husband was a stay at home dad. He still is as he states that his psychological wellbeing is poor due to my abuse. When I attempt to make sense of the abuse it consists of me not following through with a list of negative qualaties that I'm supposed to look over with him and talk about. I have talked about them with him over and over again. I just don't think I need to constantly go over these as they make me feel horrible about myself. I've asked him several times to go to counseling with me and our boys who are 12 and 14.

He tells me that I've ruined and wasted his life. He tells me that our boys are going to hate me because of what I've done. When he talks about what I've done he's talking about the wasted time and "abuse". I have the worst time talking to him because it feels like what I say doesn't matter and that he says I say the same things over and over again. I admit I do shut down and cry. It's been like that for years. I've gone to counseling myself and they have told me that he is controlling and that I can't ruin or waste his life.

I work 40+ hours a week, go to school part time, take my boys to all of their doctors appointments, school meetings, shopping, etc... He is a good father and helps them greatly with their school work. I was raised in a home where emotions were not a good thing and the boys are able to share theirs, that is great.

He tells the boys that I'm abusive. My youngest said that I'm "the most vile" person he's met. The things that they say sound just like his words. The boys have gotten to the point that they don't want to go anywhere with me or spend time with me. I'm scared to say anything because when I do say things or how I feel it's all turned around on me. He will talk rappid fire and I shut down and cry. He tells the boys that it's self-pitty. If I start to yell or raise my voice he'll comment on that. I get so anxious that I want to leave the home in a fit of anxiety and that is me abandoning them.

Whenever they are talking I think they are talking about me. I want to confront and then I'm scared. It was described to me as psychological warfare by a therapist. Again, he refuses to go to counseling. I don't know if I pack up the kids and leave. I live in Oregon and don't know the laws. I feel so alone. Any words of wisdom? Thank you.
j1llyb3an is offline   Reply With Quote

advertisement
Unread 07-04-2017, 10:23 PM   #2
just me wantng to be free
 
eskielover's Avatar
eskielover has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2004
Location: Kentucky, USA
Posts: 17,057 (SuperPoster!)
My Mood:

10 yr Member
7,779 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Alone in my own home and I don't live alone

I would definitely describe it as psychological warfare too.

Honestly my H's behaviors were emotionally & psychologically abusive but I would never tell my daughter how bad he was/is. I don't keep the facts of what he does a secret but it's just the facts without emotional expression of how horrible he is. She has a good relationship with him but also knows him for who & what he is. Just because a spouse has problems doesn't mean they are a horrible person like your H is making you out to be with your kids. That is WRONG!!!!

Your T might be able to guide you as to whether there is any action you can take against him. Divorce isn't going to help or change their opinions....but maybe court required therapy could help you kids see what is really happening in their parents relationship IF they get a good T to work with.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Sounds very similar th what my daughters BF is going through with his ex (reversed roles)....I can truly understand the pain you are feeling.
__________________

In loving memory of Mister my first & very special horse
WyndSong Farm

“One doesn’t have to operate with great malice to do great harm. The absence of empathy and understanding are sufficient.”
(Charles M. Blow)
eskielover is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 07-05-2017, 12:43 AM   #3
Member
 
j1llyb3an's Avatar
j1llyb3an has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2016
Location: United States
Posts: 56
My Mood:

4 hugs
given
Default Re: Alone in my own home and I don't live alone

Thank you eskielover for your reply. I need to talk with an attorney, even though it pains me to have to even say those words. I never say anything bad about him to the boys. It's just not right. I want them to be their own thinkers and have their own opinions of things. As parents we guide that but they are too young to understand. There are complexities. Such as my anxiety, depression, PTSD.

Again, thank you for your reply. Just having someone to talk to who understands is nice. I feel trapped in my home.
j1llyb3an is offline   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Hugs from:
Unread 07-06-2017, 09:15 PM   #4
New Member
Ineedahug has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jul 2017
Location: Austin
Posts: 7
Default Re: Alone in my own home and I don't live alone

Hi. I'm sorry you feel this way. It sounds like your husband is emotionally abusive. You seem like you've done a lot for your family and that your life is busy, so it's disheartening to me to hear that your husband treats you this way and has convinced your kids you're "vile." If this is causing you so much stress, i would consider getting a divorce from someone like this -- you deserve something better. Your kids do, too. I am young, and I haven't ever been married, but if your heart is acting this way, I think it's a pretty clear sign. However, speaking with your therapist might be the best way to come to a concrete decision here. I can understand how you'd be unsure, however, given the circumstances you note above.

Anyway....

I don't know how to give you a hug on here, but I'm sending one your way!

Your therapist sounds like they've got the right idea. I think you could find someone who would support and treat you better. If there's any way you can convince your husband to take on more responsibility with your family, since you work and have school that could be a start, as well. You sound like you do a ton, and I feel you need a break and a hug or a relaxing week or two to collect your thoughts.

Hope everything turns out well. Good luck, and please reach out if you need anything at all.
Ineedahug is offline   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Unread 07-06-2017, 09:31 PM   #5
Crone
 
Nammu's Avatar
Nammu has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2010
Location: Some where between my inner mind and the solar system.
Posts: 30,479 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
19.4k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Alone in my own home and I don't live alone

I'm so sorry. Sounds like a horrible hostile living situation.
__________________
Nammu
it always seems impossible until it's done..
Nelson Mandela



Nammu is offline   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Unread 07-06-2017, 10:48 PM   #6
Wise Elder
Community Liaison
avlady has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jan 2013
Location: angola ny
Posts: 9,108 (SuperPoster!)
My Mood:

3 yr Member
25.7k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Alone in my own home and I don't live alone

I know i am sorry for you too! i would never myself be able to have a 40 hr a week job in the first place, plus all the running around you do for your kids, doesn't your husband ever take any responsibility? Does he pay the bills? Probably not much, i hope in my heart he will go to counseling with you but he is being abusive and i hope you can get away from all this.
avlady is online now   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Unread 07-06-2017, 11:37 PM   #7
Member
 
j1llyb3an's Avatar
j1llyb3an has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2016
Location: United States
Posts: 56
My Mood:

4 hugs
given
Default Re: Alone in my own home and I don't live alone

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ineedahug View Post
Hi. I'm sorry you feel this way. It sounds like your husband is emotionally abusive. You seem like you've done a lot for your family and that your life is busy, so it's disheartening to me to hear that your husband treats you this way and has convinced your kids you're "vile." If this is causing you so much stress, i would consider getting a divorce from someone like this -- you deserve something better. Your kids do, too. I am young, and I haven't ever been married, but if your heart is acting this way, I think it's a pretty clear sign. However, speaking with your therapist might be the best way to come to a concrete decision here. I can understand how you'd be unsure, however, given the circumstances you note above.

Anyway....

I don't know how to give you a hug on here, but I'm sending one your way!

Your therapist sounds like they've got the right idea. I think you could find someone who would support and treat you better. If there's any way you can convince your husband to take on more responsibility with your family, since you work and have school that could be a start, as well. You sound like you do a ton, and I feel you need a break and a hug or a relaxing week or two to collect your thoughts.

Hope everything turns out well. Good luck, and please reach out if you need anything at all.
Some days are better than others. We are in the "good times" right now. He calls it living in my fantacy because we aren't talking as I don't know what to say as I've said how I feel on many occassions. He says that this is abusive to him. It's like I'm being pulled in two directions but it's my mind that is doing it. I don't know if that makes sense but that's how I feel. Thank you for the hug. And the reply, it really helps. He would say that this is me feeling sorry for myself and seeking emotional support.
j1llyb3an is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 07-06-2017, 11:42 PM   #8
Member
 
j1llyb3an's Avatar
j1llyb3an has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2016
Location: United States
Posts: 56
My Mood:

4 hugs
given
Default Re: Alone in my own home and I don't live alone

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nammu View Post
I'm so sorry. Sounds like a horrible hostile living situation.
It is hostile. Some days are "better" than others. It just makes me upset how the boys see all of this. I never saw myself as a young girl being in this type of relationship. I always saw myself as stronger than this but being in the middle of it is totally different. Thank you for your post.
j1llyb3an is offline   Reply With Quote
Hugs from:
Unread 07-06-2017, 11:46 PM   #9
Member
 
j1llyb3an's Avatar
j1llyb3an has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2016
Location: United States
Posts: 56
My Mood:

4 hugs
given
Default Re: Alone in my own home and I don't live alone

Quote:
Originally Posted by avlady View Post
I know i am sorry for you too! i would never myself be able to have a 40 hr a week job in the first place, plus all the running around you do for your kids, doesn't your husband ever take any responsibility? Does he pay the bills? Probably not much, i hope in my heart he will go to counseling with you but he is being abusive and i hope you can get away from all this.

He sees his responsibility as confronting my "abuse" towards him and our boys. I pay the bills. He is here to help them with their homework and be here after school. He does cook and do all of their laundry, which I am dearly grateful but there is something missing and that is the emotional disconnet between us and that is blamed on me. Thank you for your post
j1llyb3an is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 07-07-2017, 06:11 AM   #10
Veteran Member
Sassandclass has no updates.
 
Member Since: Apr 2017
Location: New Brunswick
Posts: 583 (SuperPoster!)
Default Re: Alone in my own home and I don't live alone

Quote:
Originally Posted by j1llyb3an View Post
Some days are better than others. We are in the "good times" right now. He calls it living in my fantacy because we aren't talking as I don't know what to say as I've said how I feel on many occassions. He says that this is abusive to him. It's like I'm being pulled in two directions but it's my mind that is doing it. I don't know if that makes sense but that's how I feel. Thank you for the hug. And the reply, it really helps. He would say that this is me feeling sorry for myself and seeking emotional support.


I've noticed that in many of your responses you consistently say "He would say", "He thinks", "He would...(etc)".
What worries me is that this points to a "controlled" way of thinking that has been moulded over time (by him, towards you). It sounds like you have been conditioned to only think of him and his thoughts towards what you do, say, or think. Thus he controls almost your every thought. This is a classic manipulation tactic used by controlling ones in a relationship. They control you in such a way that you are afraid to have your own opinion because they have shut you down emotionally so many times. Oftentimes, they are charming and will get others on their side to chastise you unnecessarily as well (as he has done with your children). This is a dangerous person to have around because they tend to tear down your self esteem and self worth.

Also just a thought based on his actions: Have you ever considered the possibility that he is a clinical narcissist?
Sassandclass is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 06:20 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2017, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.

advertisement

 

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice,
diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.
Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.

 

HomeAbout UsContact UsPrivacy PolicyTerms of UseDisclaimer
Forums HomeCommunity GuidelinesHelp

Helplines and Lifelines