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Old 01-13-2019, 06:39 PM   #1
Butterfly1971
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Confused Grieving and in a new relationship

Hi...I divorced my husband of 15 years...the hardest decision I ever made. He was my best friend and I still love and care about him. He would take me back. I miss him and our life but I left him for what I think were good reasons. I am in a new relationship and I love the man. There wasnít a whole lot of time in between my divorce and meeting him. New guy has a really hard time talking about feelings. He did something early into our relationship that has me feeling insecure at times. He inappropriately messaged two women. I caught him. He says he stopped. I canít stop thinking about what I read on his phone. I confronted him and he begged forgiveness. He didnít see it as cheating. I do. Heís been single for ten years and dated a lot. He struggles I think with being of a relationship mind. Iím in my 40ís and heís in his 50ís. What are your thoughts on my situation?
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Old 01-14-2019, 06:34 AM   #2
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It's tough to trust someone once they've been caught being unfaithful. That's one problem. The question is, do you still want to be with him even though he's done this?
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Old 01-14-2019, 07:06 AM   #3
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I'm so sorry, Butterfly1971 I have already replied to your previous thread. I think you need to evalute this relationship and see the pros and cons, and why you're attracted to this man. Personally, I think talking about feelings is fundamental in every relationship. So that may cause some problems in the future. Think deeply about what you're doing. I'd suggest to try to talk to your boyfriend about this if you can. Maybe that could help. Sending many hugs to you
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Old 01-14-2019, 07:32 AM   #4
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i too replied to your previous thread but what I had asked was, what were the reasons for the divorce?
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Old 01-18-2019, 01:58 AM   #5
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Originally Posted by Butterfly1971 View Post
He didnít see it as cheating.
I think that is your yellow flag right there: He could not see how he disrespected you with his emotional infidelity.

But if he is someone who is open to change, you might want to consider couples counseling with him.

You may also want to consider individual therapy to allow yourself some time and space to heal.
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Old 01-20-2019, 10:33 AM   #6
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It's tough to trust someone once they've been caught being unfaithful. That's one problem. The question is, do you still want to be with him even though he's done this?
Thanks...Heís very sweet and we get along...Iím trying to attribute it to his transition into a relationship, which he has not been in steadily since his divorce 10 years ago...I just canít stop thinking about the betrayal and he doesnít seem to be able to talk through it with me.
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Old 01-20-2019, 10:35 AM   #7
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Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky View Post
I'm so sorry, Butterfly1971 I have already replied to your previous thread. I think you need to evalute this relationship and see the pros and cons, and why you're attracted to this man. Personally, I think talking about feelings is fundamental in every relationship. So that may cause some problems in the future. Think deeply about what you're doing. I'd suggest to try to talk to your boyfriend about this if you can. Maybe that could help. Sending many hugs to you
Thanks...no matter how I bring it up he gets annoyed...Iíve only brought it u once since it happened on October 1st of this past year...
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Old 01-20-2019, 10:36 AM   #8
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i too replied to your previous thread but what I had asked was, what were the reasons for the divorce?
I thought the grass was greener....and I couldnít stop the draw of seeking something else...husband and I grew apart...years of resentment toward him for various things.
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Old 01-20-2019, 10:38 AM   #9
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I think that is your yellow flag right there: He could not see how he disrespected you with his emotional infidelity.

But if he is someone who is open to change, you might want to consider couples counseling with him.

You may also want to consider individual therapy to allow yourself some time and space to heal.
Thank you...Iím in counseling...I may Bring it up again to him and ask for reassurance
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Old 01-20-2019, 10:24 PM   #10
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Hi...I divorced my husband of 15 years...the hardest decision I ever made. He was my best friend and I still love and care about him. He would take me back. I miss him and our life but I left him for what I think were good reasons. I am in a new relationship and I love the man. There wasnít a whole lot of time in between my divorce and meeting him. New guy has a really hard time talking about feelings. He did something early into our relationship that has me feeling insecure at times. He inappropriately messaged two women. I caught him. He says he stopped. I canít stop thinking about what I read on his phone. I confronted him and he begged forgiveness. He didnít see it as cheating. I do. Heís been single for ten years and dated a lot. He struggles I think with being of a relationship mind. Iím in my 40ís and heís in his 50ís. What are your thoughts on my situation?
How long have you been seeing the new guy? You said there wasn't much time after the divorce before you met him. Is that part of the problem? You aren't quite ready to trust again yet? Only you can decide that.

With regard to the inappropriate messages to other women...what were they? Were they sexual? Something else that bothered you? It is important when you say he didn't deem that cheating but you do. Each person defines cheating differently. Some women think use of pornography or attending a strip-club is cheating and some women do not think that's cheating. Just examples. The question is: are you in agreement now? Two choices: he agrees to stop messaging other women (if they're sexual that is...hopefully you aren't suggesting that he cannot have platonic female friends) or you agree to ignore said messages. To me, that's the issue...can you two develop an agreement on what is and isn't okay in your relationship? Something you are both willing and comfortable sticking to.

And, are you ready to trust anyone yet after your divorce? I waited years before having a serious relationship after my divorce. I'm actually quite concerned about a friend who is heavily committed to a new man and her divorce isn't even official yet. I realize that's not your situation...just highlighting the importance of time to grieve and heal after divorce. Without sufficient time to heal, we could meet someone wonderful and still be unable to trust and move forward. Is your current guy wonderful? I have no idea. I had a therapist who said when dating someone new, you need to slowly collect data and look for trends in the data. You collected some data about the messages to other women...now you need time to look for trends....are there other issues of concern etc.

As I said, without knowing what the messages to other women were, I cannot really comment. I am committed to my parent and I have platonic male friends. If he suggested I couldn't have male friends, he would no longer be my partner.
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