Psych Central

Go Back   Forums at Psych Central > > >



advertisement
Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 01-21-2019, 01:11 PM   #11
HopefullyLost1211
Grand Member
 
HopefullyLost1211's Avatar
HopefullyLost1211 is wondering what's the point?
 
Member Since: Dec 2018
Location: Planet Hope
Posts: 812 (SuperPoster!)
My Mood: Grieving and in a new relationship

Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
1,222 hugs
given
Default Re: Grieving and in a new relationship

Typo: "parent" should read "partner"
__________________
Non ridere, non lugere, neque detestari, sed intelligere.
- Spinoza
HopefullyLost1211 is offline   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Hugs from:

advertisement
Old 01-21-2019, 01:32 PM   #12
HopefullyLost1211
Grand Member
 
HopefullyLost1211's Avatar
HopefullyLost1211 is wondering what's the point?
 
Member Since: Dec 2018
Location: Planet Hope
Posts: 812 (SuperPoster!)
My Mood: Grieving and in a new relationship

Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
1,222 hugs
given
Default Re: Grieving and in a new relationship

Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterfly1971 View Post
Hi...I divorced my husband of 15 years...the hardest decision I ever made. He was my best friend and I still love and care about him. He would take me back. I miss him and our life but I left him for what I think were good reasons. I am in a new relationship and I love the man. There wasnít a whole lot of time in between my divorce and meeting him. New guy has a really hard time talking about feelings. He did something early into our relationship that has me feeling insecure at times. He inappropriately messaged two women. I caught him. He says he stopped. I canít stop thinking about what I read on his phone. I confronted him and he begged forgiveness. He didnít see it as cheating. I do. Heís been single for ten years and dated a lot. He struggles I think with being of a relationship mind. Iím in my 40ís and heís in his 50ís. What are your thoughts on my situation?
Hi Butterfly, I should have asked before if you have a specific question...are you wondering about reuniting with your ex-husband or are you wondering more about how to manage your current relationship?

Sounds like a confusing time for you. I'm sorry you're going through so much. Have you tried therapy? That could be really helpful. For example, I know you were not okay with whatever the phone messages were but are you okay with going through someone else's phone? Unless I missed a piece, you violated his boundaries there...same thing if it's a laptop or pockets or anything private.

It was suggested on another thread that it's okay to violate a boundary if you have concerns about infidelity. It's not. Two wrongs don't make a right. If someone questions their partner's fidelity, they need to be up front and have an honest conversation about it.

Trust is a leap of faith. No matter who we are or who we date. We decide if we are willing to make the leap or not. There's no 100% guarantee with anyone. We do our best to choose a partner with the same relationship goals and mutual respect for boundaries. Then we hope for the best. It sounds like there are trust issues on both sides here...helpful to look at the whole picture. If my significant other was secretly accessing my phone or computer, I would not be happy at all. He would not find anything problematic but that still doesn't mean it's okay to do that if there are concerns.

I mention these issues to help you think through your part and his. I am not moralizing. You said you love this man so I hope you folks are able to directly and calmly discuss your concerns to figure out if continuing the relationship works for each of you. Have you apologized for going through his phone? Has he agreed to your terms for what you deem cheating/unacceptable? Two main issues here are boundaries and trust. If I misunderstood something, I'm sorry in advance

Peace to you
__________________
Non ridere, non lugere, neque detestari, sed intelligere.
- Spinoza
HopefullyLost1211 is offline   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Hugs from:
Old 01-22-2019, 06:55 PM   #13
Butterfly1971
New Member
Butterfly1971 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jan 2019
Location: Nj
Posts: 7
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Default Re: Grieving and in a new relationship

Quote:
Originally Posted by HopefullyLost1211 View Post
How long have you been seeing the new guy? You said there wasn't much time after the divorce before you met him. Is that part of the problem? You aren't quite ready to trust again yet? Only you can decide that.

With regard to the inappropriate messages to other women...what were they? Were they sexual? Something else that bothered you? It is important when you say he didn't deem that cheating but you do. Each person defines cheating differently. Some women think use of pornography or attending a strip-club is cheating and some women do not think that's cheating. Just examples. The question is: are you in agreement now? Two choices: he agrees to stop messaging other women (if they're sexual that is...hopefully you aren't suggesting that he cannot have platonic female friends) or you agree to ignore said messages. To me, that's the issue...can you two develop an agreement on what is and isn't okay in your relationship? Something you are both willing and comfortable sticking to.

And, are you ready to trust anyone yet after your divorce? I waited years before having a serious relationship after my divorce. I'm actually quite concerned about a friend who is heavily committed to a new man and her divorce isn't even official yet. I realize that's not your situation...just highlighting the importance of time to grieve and heal after divorce. Without sufficient time to heal, we could meet someone wonderful and still be unable to trust and move forward. Is your current guy wonderful? I have no idea. I had a therapist who said when dating someone new, you need to slowly collect data and look for trends in the data. You collected some data about the messages to other women...now you need time to look for trends....are there other issues of concern etc.

As I said, without knowing what the messages to other women were, I cannot really comment. I am committed to my parent and I have platonic male friends. If he suggested I couldn't have male friends, he would no longer be my partner.
Thank you! They were sexual in nature...and one was with a woman he works with (sheís married)...you made me think...thank you...
Butterfly1971 is offline   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Hugs from:
Old 01-22-2019, 07:45 PM   #14
HopefullyLost1211
Grand Member
 
HopefullyLost1211's Avatar
HopefullyLost1211 is wondering what's the point?
 
Member Since: Dec 2018
Location: Planet Hope
Posts: 812 (SuperPoster!)
My Mood: Grieving and in a new relationship

Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
1,222 hugs
given
Default Re: Grieving and in a new relationship

Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterfly1971 View Post
Thank you! They were sexual in nature...and one was with a woman he works with (sheís married)...you made me think...thank you...
Thanks for sharing your truth Butterfly...not easy to do but I think it can be cathartic. I can't remember if you said you were open to therapy. I think it could help. I wish you well either way. You know yourself best...trust that inner spirit. Peace and support to you
__________________
Non ridere, non lugere, neque detestari, sed intelligere.
- Spinoza
HopefullyLost1211 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 12:32 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.




advertisement

 

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice,
diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider. .
Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.

 

HomeAbout UsContact UsPrivacy PolicyTerms of UseDisclaimer
Forums HomeCommunity GuidelinesHelp


 
Helplines and Lifelines