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Old 12-25-2018, 02:31 PM   #1
dplong
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Default Need Honest Opinions

Hey all. I am 25 and currently married. I'm from a pretty small town in Alabama and come from a good size family. I've been married to an Asian girl from Beijing going on three years now. Ever since we have been married communication has not been great. She actively works to keep me away from my family. She was abusive in the past when I did something she didn't like but now she has switched to verbal abuse instead of physical. I used to be very close to my family and would talk to them multiple times a week but now she forbids talking to one brother and complains when I talk to the other brother or my mother. She also has never had sex with me in the almost three years we have been married due to her being scared about it hurting. I have talked to both my mother and father about some of the stuff my wife does and they both have told me I should leave her as have other friends that I confided in. I feel bad about it though because she lost her father 2 years ago and only has a mother left that she does not really get along with. So I feel guilty about the thought of leaving her alone. What do you guys and gals think would be the correct line of action?
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Old 12-25-2018, 08:52 PM   #2
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Default Re: Need Honest Opinions

Hi dp,

Thank you for sharing your troubles here. Maybe we can provide some insight.

I donít think any of us can really tell you what you should do. Relationships are complex at the best of times and we canít really grasp the complexities of your situation from a paraphragh.

This IS a psychology forum, however, so the first obvious suggestion is going to be to try couples counselling. I would actually only suggest that if you both wanted to make the relationship work, and were willing to put the effort in.

Apart from what you should do, what do you want? If the marriage can be saved, is that something you even want? What does your wife want? What are her feelings in all of this? Is she willing to put any work into this? Are there immigration issues for her if you divorce? Iím not sure what the laws are where you are, but in some places you may be liable for a significant amount of support if you divorce, especially if she doesnít have the skills to be independent because of language or otherwise. Not that that should be a deciding factor, but it might be worth considering.

So ya - my first question would be what do you want and what are you willing to work for?
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Old 12-25-2018, 09:25 PM   #3
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I vote that life is too short and you should buy a single one-way ticket to Beijing.
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Old 12-25-2018, 10:09 PM   #4
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There are many reasons people decide to marry...but not least of all for Love. Why did you marry?...If the reasons are that you felt sorry for her, or she pressured you, or for other reasons that made you feel obligated...then I would suggest you have a long talk to her about where the marriage is leading, and the reasons she wishes to remain married. Explain to her what marriage means from your point of view...and if your feelings don't align? then start thinking about moving forward without her. This doesn't mean that you don't care for her, Im sure that you do...but that usually isn't enough to sustain a marriage. As Lefty said 'Life is way too short'
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Old 12-25-2018, 10:17 PM   #5
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That's a tough situation...I assume you are/were in love with her if you got married. I also assume you didn't think that you'd never have sex and that who you speak to would be limited. The bottom line in your post for me is that she is abusive to you. In my experience, verbal abuse has a much longer lasting scar than physical. Additionally, if she has been physically abusive in the past, seems that the chances for that again in the future are pretty good. Seems like you have a family that cares for you. No one deserves being controlled or abused. I'd take advantage of the support you have in your life and have those who are close to you and know the situation better help you make a decision if you don't feel like you can do that on your own.
My last thing...because it's so relevant in my marriage right now...when something happens to your partner that is devastating (such as loss of father, health issues, etc), you support and love them always. However, there does come a time when it's on your partner to take an active role in their own healing. You can't carry her burden forever. I'm understanding today just how much I've damaged myself because I have carried my wife's burdens and been unwilling to hold her accountable for never taking action and responsibility for her own well-being. It took me 13 years to realize this. Don't let it take you that long. It's a devastating blow to the spirit.
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Old 12-26-2018, 04:14 AM   #6
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I'm so sorry you're struggling, dplong In my opinion, this marriage isn't really healthy. Yes, she may be struggling with her family, but that doesn't justify all the abuse you're getting. Also remember that she's the one that has to get help - you can support her, but the final decision is up to her. Are there any positive aspects to your marriage? My suggestion, if you still want to be with this woman, would be to try couple counselling. Ohterwise, I think you may want to rethink this marriage and decide to leave her. You have to take care of yourself as well. You don't need more abuse in your life. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this
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Old 12-29-2018, 01:40 AM   #7
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If she has never had sex with you, then the marriage was never "consummated." Some would take that to mean that you're not fully married yet. It is recognized as grounds for divorce, or even annulment.

You say she "forbids" you talking to one of your brothers. You are allowing her to have control over you. This is an exceedingly strange partnership that the two of you have worked out. I'm suspicious of why she even married you.

I think you should ignore her meddling and stay close in touch with your family. You might benefit from counseling.
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Old 12-29-2018, 09:43 AM   #8
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Default Re: Need Honest Opinions

Quote:
Originally Posted by dplong View Post
Hey all. I am 25 and currently married. I'm from a pretty small town in Alabama and come from a good size family. I've been married to an Asian girl from Beijing going on three years now. Ever since we have been married communication has not been great. She actively works to keep me away from my family. She was abusive in the past when I did something she didn't like but now she has switched to verbal abuse instead of physical. I used to be very close to my family and would talk to them multiple times a week but now she forbids talking to one brother and complains when I talk to the other brother or my mother. She also has never had sex with me in the almost three years we have been married due to her being scared about it hurting. I have talked to both my mother and father about some of the stuff my wife does and they both have told me I should leave her as have other friends that I confided in. I feel bad about it though because she lost her father 2 years ago and only has a mother left that she does not really get along with. So I feel guilty about the thought of leaving her alone. What do you guys and gals think would be the correct line of action?
I hope this helps. I am not an expert, and I tell you upfront this information is from Wikipedia:

"Most marriages between residents and non-residents are undertaken properly, for reasons other than or in addition to residency status. That said, the practice of obtaining residency through marriage is illegal in the United States if the marriage itself is fraudulent.[2] A marriage that is solely for purposes of obtaining legal residence is considered a sham, and is a crime in the United States for both participants.

You might want to look at your situation from this perspective.

And this is the other issue, which is actually tied to the first:

Alabama Appeals Court annuls couples marriage on failure to consummate grounds. The Alabama Appeals Court has basically ruled that to be legally married in Alabama, you must consummate that relationship, or your marriage is subject to annulment. An annulment is declaring your marriage to be null and void, as if you were never married. The court reasoned that an unstated intent to never consummate your marriage relationship is a fraud rendering that marriage invalid. That is from this site:
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Old 12-29-2018, 07:17 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lefty Seven View Post
I vote that life is too short and you should buy a single one-way ticket to Beijing.

I hear Chinese prostitutes are where it's at haha


Seriously though, if you're married to somebody and there is no sex involved something is up. If she can't fit your needs best get them met elsewhere.



Then again, my advice probably isn't the best suited for the relationship forum anyways. I haven't been laid in years and that's probably why I am always in such a foul mood. I would be lost without my 20GB of pr0n.
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Old 12-30-2018, 02:47 AM   #10
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I think IceCreanKid has written an excellent post.
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