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Old 12-04-2018, 06:08 PM   #1
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Frown Is it time to move on?

I have been with my husband for 12 years, married for 9. We got together very young (high school young). He was my first real boyfriend as I was his. At that time, we didn’t know what we wanted in life we just knew we were in love and wanted to be together. A few years later he decided to join the service and we started a family. In our relationship there has never been real problems. And what I mean by real is, there has never been any cheating, or anything major that would make someone come to the conclusion that I have in leaving him.

I have felt that during this whole relationship I have always been the most grounded. I always had an idea of what I wanted and what I had to do to obtain it. He in the other hand has always been confused on what he wants in life. He is in the service now but doesn’t see himself there for the long run. He is 10 years away from retirement if he were to do the whole 20 years in service. He has always blamed me for still being in. He says that I only care about his paychecks but not his well-being. That is not true. Unfortunately, with his drive I don’t see him being interested or succeeding in anything really. He procrastinates so much about everything (he blames the military for the things he has not yet accomplished), he has always given his job bare minimum and more now that he is set on getting out, and never really has had an idea on what he really wants to do. I am currently a student and will be graduating very soon. My plan was never to sit at home and do nothing with myself. I wanted to better myself, but I wanted to do this along side of him.

More recently he has been looking up ways to “be his own boss”. He has read numerous books on real estate and feels he has everything he needs to obtain this huge multifamily property that will make him a millionaire and never have to work a day in his life again, (besides for himself). He is insulting, arrogant, and selfish at times. He talks down on the working class and calls everyone slaves. He says that society has made us all stupid and that we are being manipulated by the government and social media. He always wants to be in control of every conversation and has a huge opinion on almost everything. I feel like we no longer have anything in common including our goals for our future. I have never been big on having my own business and that is not something I ever envisioned myself doing.

Each day I feel we grow further and further apart. He is terrified of the idea of me leaving. I know deep inside he loves me and has shown me this numerous times, but I don’t know how I feel about him. I still love him, he is the father of my children, but I don’t know if im still inlove with him. He has always been very opinionated, but I feel that within the last 3 years it has just gotten out of control. There is no stop in him, he says he will try to be different, but I don’t ever see that happening. I feel guilty in knowing that most threads that I have read up on divorce involve abuse, cheating, and other issues that we don’t have but I no longer feel like we want the same things in life.

We have children and for their sake I would hate to break our marriage apart, but I just can’t seem to stand him at times. He says offensive things without thinking and in his head, it is perfectly fine because he does not like to “sugar coat things” (his words). He says he is an honest person and will never change that about him, but his “honesty” just seems arrogant and ignorant. Yesterday we were arguing about the fact that he doesn’t always help me with the kids and I told him that I have a lot on my plate. He has said in the past that he would like to go to school, so I asked him if he would be able to take care of the house and kids like I have while doing school as well and his response was, “No I would not, I could not, in fact that is what stupid people do, I would never put myself in a situation that stressful, I would pay for daycare”. He was so shocked when I got offended. In that statement he is basically implying that I’m one of those “stupid” people, although I’m the one who holds this fort down while I am so close to losing my sanity, but I carry on because I want to better myself. No, I do not pay for childcare because I am self-conscious about our finances and he definitely does not make enough to pay close to $180 a week in childcare services with solely his income since I’m unemployed and we have many other bills to think about.

Our life consists of those type of conversations. He is insulting and is surprised when I get upset. I don’t know what gives him the right to run his mouth the way he does. I am just so tired of it all and wish I could just leave and never look back, and no I am not innocent in all of this nor am I the type to stay quiet. I am impulsive with both actions and words and will fight back and get extremely upset and angry. I no longer want to have those emotions, but he triggers them and pushes my buttons to another level. Lately, there has been way too much fighting that has really left me questioning why I am still here.

Unfortunately, we have 2 kids I need to think about, and that is what makes this situation that much harder. I know he would never make the decision of leaving me. Which is why I also feel guilty of the thought of it being “my fault” to everyone around us. I just don’t know what to do or what steps to take but I do know I wont be able to take this much longer before I reach my breaking point.
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Old 12-05-2018, 12:56 PM   #2
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Hello iutlh: I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral.

I don't think there is really anything in particular I can offer in the way of advice here. You summed the situation up well in your post. So you know what the circumstances are as well as your options. At least to my mind, it's "simply" a matter of you deciding how you want to proceed. I know sometimes there just isn't a good answer to something like this. There are just different ways to proceed each with its particular benefits & drawbacks. I recall once saying to a therapist I was speaking with, regarding my own situation, that I knew what my options were, I just didn't like any of them. However at some point, at least to my way of thinking, one simply has to decide one way or the other & let the chips fall where they may as the saying goes. Perhaps other members, here on PC, will have some more helpful advice to offer.

There are probably dozens of articles on the subject of divorce, in PsychCentral's archives, I could link you to. However here are links to 8 that hopefully may be of some help to you as you weigh your options:

Burned-Out on Your Marriage or Relationship?

I Hate My Husband! Why That Is So Normal | Psychology of Women

Are You Ready For Divorce? 8 Questions You Should Answer

Want a Divorce? Stop the Emotional Yo-Yo and Be Clear About It

When One Spouse Wants Out of the Marriage But the Other Doesn't

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.
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Old 12-08-2018, 07:55 AM   #3
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I think when raising kids and being responsible for their financial stability among everything else, a need for practicality outweighs any need to jump ship to spite 'the machine' of being a workerbee. So yeah, I can see why that would be a major deal breaker.
10 years away from having vested retirement income is nothing to scoff at. Is he having a midlife crisis?

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Old 12-09-2018, 06:06 PM   #4
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Could you do a trial separation? If you’re nearly at a breaking point what else can you do? Unless you tried marital counseling.
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Old 12-09-2018, 06:22 PM   #5
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A few years later he decided to join the service and we started a family. In our relationship there has never been real problems
He is being selfish and IMHO from what you are describing he is emotionally abusive towards you. This is not good for your children to witness either. They will think this is normal and it's "not" IMHO.
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