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Old 01-20-2019, 06:28 AM   #41
Rose76
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Living with your parents is stressing you out. Make a goal to become independent of them. You can achieve that.
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Old 01-21-2019, 03:41 AM   #42
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Hi guys!!
I would like to share with you some thoughts.
I seem a strong person. Someone who never needs help.
I donít understand why nobody see what Iím feeling, why nobody understands that Iím fragile as others.
Since my separation Iíve had no one by my side, but a couple of friends that have maintained some distance, not entering deep in my troubles. Even if they where present at my calls, but I tried not to seek them excessively, or not to be excessively sad with them.
Iíve read that in front of a death, everyone is sensitive and full of compassion.
But in front of a divorce, no one seem to understand that is in the same manner a death, with a lot of struggles and complaints inside, even worse.
The right definitions of what Iíve felt, I found it on the web. Nobody explained to me.
Also friend, closer and not, were focused on cheating and on struggle, not on the pain of the death of a marriage.
I also have some difficult to accept the rage, I donít understand reasons, of my ex husband. I could not recognize him as the person I married, the beloved person knew almost everything of me, my happiness, my sadness, my fears and my life projects. I cannot recognize him anymore, so I think my husband is dead himself.
I cannot understand the Macchiavelliís plans of her new fiancť di catch him, and how he has been blind. I cannot understand his parents, they were my new family, in throwing me outside of their life. What is important for them. I were always with them.
I cannot how my parents are ignorant and plain, not to see that Iím deeply unhappy for a million of reasons.
How people live? How is it possible to live thinking only to the lunch and the dinner? How they are so rude?
I cannot believe my life has changed so badly. I try to find a reason, to see a sort of luck in all that changes, to avoid a life spent not being myself with a person (husband) who loves only himself and the idea of family he had, in which he had to have a wife, a son, grandparents. In which me or another was the same, at the end. A woman that looks perfect being better than me, non considering what is inside.
Iím full of doubts.
I pray everyday only not to have rage, not to hate.
I also fear that a specialist would not be useful. What he/she could tell me that I donít know?
I only have to accept the state of the things?
What do you think?
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Old 01-21-2019, 05:10 AM   #43
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I'm so sorry, Azzurella Please do consider seeing a specialist. I think it may really help you right now. I'm so sorry you don't have any support system IRL. Getting through a divorce is already hard by itself, but it's even harder if nobody is there with us. I hope writing here helps a bit. Feel free to PM me anytime. I'm always available if you need to talk. I'm sure others here on PC will listen to you as well. Just let me know if I can do something to help you. Please don't give up. You'll get over it eventually. It just takes time. But it does get better. You can do this! You're strong and you know that. Sending many hugs to you
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Old 01-22-2019, 04:24 PM   #44
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I think you are sort of insisting on regressing to the blindness you were living in. I'm not going to retell you what I already posted, but suggest you re-read it.

I totally get that this divorce is as bad as a death, and probably worse. You are well-entitled to feel devastated.

However: You are not entitled to stay devastated forever, which is what you are setting yourself up to do. Friends and family are not going to enable you seeing your life as a permanent tragedy that you cannot recover from, eventually. If you don't recover, that will be on you.

I'm sorry, if you are not getting enough emotional support. You deserve and need that. But you have the option of rebuilding your life. If you don't, that will be on you.

I'm sorry your hopes and dreams were shattered. You really believed this man was someone who he is not. Now reality has come crashing down on you. I'm sure that's incredibly painful. The harder we believe in a fantasy, the more awful it is when that fantasy collapses.

It is your job to discover the difference between reality and fantasy. "But everything could have been so perfect, if only this man would have not betrayed me." Yeah - but he is who he is. He couldn't be who you wanted him to be. I'll take your word for it that he has been, deceptive and cruel and uncaring. Maybe he's really a jerk. He's probably not going to have a great life either.

Sometimes tragedy takes away a wonderful, loving, good husband. A heroic firefighter dies in a burning building, maybe after an arsonist lights a match. Usually, the widow goes on with her life. Usually, young widows remarry. They find a way to make life good again. It can be done.

Instead, you are saying that you should not have been disappointed so badly and you are not interested in having to start over. You are saying that "This should not have happened!"

It Is What It Is. There is no such thing as "what should be." There is what is.

I'm kind of like you. When I was young I was mad that people did so much that was wrong. My mother said: "Rose, life is as it is." I said: "That is what makes me mad!" My mother said: "Then you are going to go through life mad, and that will be too bad for you." That was the smartest thing anyone ever told me. I needed to be told that. I tend to be disappointed that life involves so much pain. As I get older, I am seeing more and more that happiness doesn't come easy to anyone. I do see how very hard most people have to struggle to make life decent for themselves. I see now that ordinary people have to put an awful lot of effort into making their lives work . . . making their jobs work . . . making their relationships work. I'm surprised so many people try as hard as they do - and just to get a modest amount of happiness. You will either take up that struggle, or you won't. It's up to you.

Instead of asking family and friends to feel bad for you, ask them to tell you about what hard things they had to deal with and how they managed to keep struggling.

When someone acts as shocked as you act over dealing with a huge disappointment, it makes me wonder if, maybe, you thought life wasn't supposed to be hard? Life is hard. It always has been. Accept that. Then do what you have to do to get where you want to go. Or you can wallow in misery, and your life will stay miserable. You are wallowing. Stop.
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Old 01-23-2019, 09:10 AM   #45
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@Rose
Thank you for the time you spent for answer to my question.
I donít think my life has to be simple, comfortable, easy. My life is not and was not. Iíve always been the maximum I could, nobody gave me anything for free. I understand than nothing is due to me, but this doesnít mean I easily accept what I passed through.
I have not pink lenses, I had not. Itís hard to accept that a person doesnít want to see me anymore, talk me anymore, that Iím ďthe enemyĒ, that I could die without a tear spent, after so many years. These are things that can make a person mad, but Iím always here, Iím working at the best of my skills, never complaining, never bothering anyone.
I cannot find a new way, Ďcause I feel and Iím alone.
And I wonder if I can change something, I try every day, but Iím not succeeding in that. I donít know how to do, I know perfectly that I cannot relay on others. But how much am I able to do everything alone?
Will I pass every moment of my life alone?
Friends have their own lifeís to carry on, we are different, they donít care of being alone, sometimes they prefere to stay alone, just to remark that they donít need anything. But then they bother me with every sort of stupid problems, as not to date anymore the guy they had a bed liaison. Maybe wise people are already in a relationship, so only this ones are free to do, sometimes, something together. And I pay attention not to talk about my feelings, there is no compassion in their minds.
I donít want to stay in my sufferance, I donít like it. Maybe I need only someone telling me that everything will go in the right way, not to lose my hope.
As I help everyone in my life, daily, I would like do listen that there are good people, and someone will help me. Anything more.
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Old 01-23-2019, 12:58 PM   #46
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I think you should consider seeing a therapist. Once a therapist told me that sometimes we need a level of attention that we are not going to get, unless we pay someone to give it to us. You might be in that category.

You seem to have a harsh judgement of everyone in your life. It is hard to follow your line of reasoning. You need to sit down with someone IRL and talk about this.

Of course, it is possible to rebuild a good life for yourself. But your attitude has to change. I think you need a good therapist.
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Old 01-23-2019, 06:11 PM   #47
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Thank you @Rose, Iíll consider to see a therapist. Iím used to resolve everything by myself, but it is possible that now I need some help outside. I know, I cannot demand everything to everyone. And it is true, there is a moment we have to pay to get attention we need. I will think about it.
I would like to say that the harsh judgment it seems I have for people, in the end itís the harsh judgment I have for myself.
I have to forgive myself and to love myself, first.
Thank you.
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Old 01-24-2019, 12:17 AM   #48
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Hello Azzurrella. I am so sorry you are going through such pain. I am divorced myself...it is a unique and bizarre trauma to have been fully partnered with someone and then go through the process of uncoupling and rebuilding a new life without your former partner.

I'm now many years out from my divorce and things did get better. I slowly built a new life. It's a slow and gradual process. It's also not linear...there isn't a clear starting point with a steady upward trend from A to B. For a while, it can feel like a roller coaster of emotions...up, down, and all around. It will not always feel that way...you're likely still in shock at this point. You need time to grieve and a support network. If you don't have a close network of non-judgmental family or friends, a professional therapist could really help. Someone experienced in post-divorce therapy.

Remember that there are no 'wrong' feelings. It's okay to feel however you feel...angry, sad, scared, confused, betrayed. The key is to develop coping mechanisms...while you grieve the loss, learn why the marriage did not work out, explore who you are now without your former partner, develop new goals for yourself.

I truly believe that it is possible for something good and even beautiful to grow out of intense pain. That probably sounds bizarre to you now and that's okay but I've seen it happen in my own life. I hope that at some point later on your own Life path, you will look back and smile and thank yourself and say: "I DID IT! I SURVIVED! I HAVE BUILT A NEW LIFE!" You can't put a timeline on it (trust me I wanted that too!) because nobody can predict the future...whether it's a person recovering from divorce or not. In time you'll learn to trust yourself...to trust your future.

Don't be so hard on yourself Azzurrella. Of course you wish people understood and offered compassion...you just lost your life partner...that's a huge trauma. But humans often don't understand things they have never experienced. Or even 10 folks who've all been through divorce...those are ten unique experiences of 10 individuals. Each one cannot actually know how it feels for the others. When I was going through my divorce, a single friend of mine told me: "I know exactly what you're going through, I lived with a boyfriend for two years and we broke up." When she said that I was SO angry though I kept it to myself. I thought: how could she possibly know what I'm going through...comparing a two year boyfriend to my marriage of more than a decade?!" And that's how I felt that day and that's okay. And now, looking back, I think she was probably just trying to be kind but didn't choose helpful words

We can heal from trauma...slowly, with time, and professional support. Peace and healing energy to you. Hope starts today. Tell yourself that even when you don't believe it. Hope starts today
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Old 01-24-2019, 09:19 AM   #49
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So, it looks like I'm pretty good, but nobody imagines that I have a volcano inside. It's hard to manage, but I think it's like an influence, before or after it will pass.
I think everyone is different in reacting to particular events of their lives, and I understand that my "event" is very light in the face of other tragedies, I know. I can not say anything else.
But I also know that medicine for my illness is not a pill, a treatment or something material. I need people. Thanks to everyone who tried to teach me something. I will do my best, but I know there will be more relapses, at another time I will feel like a shoe sole. What to do? Wait, it will pass.
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Old 01-24-2019, 12:52 PM   #50
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Azzurrella View Post
So, it looks like I'm pretty good, but nobody imagines that I have a volcano inside. It's hard to manage, but I think it's like an influence, before or after it will pass.
I think everyone is different in reacting to particular events of their lives, and I understand that my "event" is very light in the face of other tragedies, I know. I can not say anything else.
But I also know that medicine for my illness is not a pill, a treatment or something material. I need people. Thanks to everyone who tried to teach me something. I will do my best, but I know there will be more relapses, at another time I will feel like a shoe sole. What to do? Wait, it will pass.
Hello Azzurrella. I don't know if you were responding to my post or a different one. I never said that your trauma is "light" compared to other tragedies. Pain is pain. Nobody has a right to negate someone else's pain. If you feel like you're in hell, then you're in hell. I did not suggest taking a pill or something material to help you recover from your divorce. I suggested talking with a psychologist. Psychologists don't give pills. They talk with people, offer comfort, and coping strategies. It really helped me.

I am so sorry you feel badly. I understand. If my message did not seem supportive, perhaps it's due to a language barrier; unintentional. I was honestly trying to offer kindness.

Take care
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