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Old 11-28-2018, 04:39 AM   #21
Azzurrella
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Default Re: How long?

Quote:
Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006 View Post
it's a slow process and something that you cannot rush. Thing is to work on focusing on yourself, good things in your life even when it doesn't seem like there's much, work on it. I have been through being left by a spouse and for me it was a full year to feel ok-ish and longer to find my footing and independence. although it was very painful I can say without question that it does pass eventually and there can be good things ahead but you gotta believe in that and claim it for yourself.
Thank you for your message. I think that, I thought that, if there is a problem, if there are many problems, adult people can speak together and trying to solve them. In my case the solution has been, I repeat, to throw me in the trash, saying less ore more ďif you now create problems to me and to my new relationship [with a liar and betrayer, our friend) I will ruin you and your lifeĒ.
I cannot believe it even now, I cannot believe as a person could be bad. How my husband, that I knew since we were very young, has grown up with such a rage. It has been a horror movie. But...
Iím learning there are so many people in that way, Iím really sorry. I wonder how they could be happy in their life.
Now Iím not very happy, because I would like to spend my time with someone, to do everything beautiful with someone, and I do not. But in the future...
Iím not changed. I donít feel anger towards people and men, Iím generous as I was before, Iíve patience, I love others.
Only Iíve to remove the envy. Itís sad, but they have a lot of possibilities and they are a couple...instead Iím alone and with some issues. Itís not fair, but I feel envy for them, even if Iím thinking that Iíll never desire such people in my life, on my way. I feel also anger towards them.
Please give me some suggestions to heal from envy and anger.
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Old 11-29-2018, 07:21 AM   #22
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I cannot emphasize enough to focus on you, your needs, your values and your newfound freedom. I know looking at this as if it's freedom is a stretch in the beginning but let's face it, you can either dwell on the idea that you believe something is missing or you can acknowledge even if that's the case you choose to focus on what you've gained in all of this. You have a chance here to find yourself without interruption and interference of a spouse or significant other and at the moment you do not have to share time or your energy. Even though that is not what you want ultimately it's good to see the silver lining in everything we have.


Also stop focusing on others and what they have, what they are, where they have been in comparison to yourself and how you lack whatever it is that you focus on. This only serves to make you feel less than they are and it feeds the jealousy, feelings of inadequacy and ultimately, depression. It will take work to shift your thinking of course and it's not a flat path, but at first an uphill battle but it is one that is not insurmountable. Besides once you are successful in finding yourself, trust me, all that other stuff really pales in comparison.
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Old 11-29-2018, 09:59 AM   #23
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Thank you s4ndm4n2006, your words are wise. Iíll try. Every day.
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Old 11-29-2018, 01:33 PM   #24
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Thank you s4ndm4n2006, your words are wise. Iíll try. Every day.
Yw. I don't know if wise but keep on going. if you have to keep coming here to ask or share stuff then do so. this place was a great help back when I went through what I did!
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Old 11-29-2018, 05:56 PM   #25
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Yesterday I talked with a great friend. She told me to think to the mud Iíve been in the last 12 months, and if I really could accept in my life a person for whom it would be better if I died, if I would love a person who hurt me in a such way (so much and so badly).
I wonder if I will pass my life thinking about it, and wondering how was it possible he hated me so much. There are no answers, Iím sorry.
And it is easy to say that only with my will Iíll go pass this struggle. Itís only my will, easy to say. I have the will, but not the force.
I feel as I was looking my home burning. Yes, it happened, but I canít believe, I canít realize. Iím feeling like Iím looking to my life as through an open window, from the outside.
I think Iíd like only to sleep and forget.
Iíve always been so strong. Now Iím weak and Iím going to be ill.
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Old 11-30-2018, 12:00 PM   #26
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15 years is a long time. Your recovery from this loss is going to take time, and It will take something else, besides time. Without that something else, you will never recover. I have a family member in your situation who has become disabled by divorce and will never fully recover. You don't want that to happen to you. I'm hopeful for you because you are working. The person I know gave up on working and on other responsibilities.

Here's the other thing, besides time passing, that you need. You have to acknowledge what you did that brought you to this heartbreaking place. If you say, "I was victimized by a man who fooled me.", then you give up all your power. Sometimes, bad things happen to us that are totally out of our control. That is a self-defeating way to look at this.

Here's what makes you a true victim: Some drunk runs a red light and crashes his car into your car. The doctor tells you that you have cancer. A terrorist blows up a building while you are in it. This is not that kind of thing, where you had no part in setting yourself up for devastation. Your husband did not suddenly get substituted by a monster. Who he is is who he is and who he was. You believed what you wanted to believe. You insisted that the truth was what you wanted it to be. You kept insisting on that until reality clobbered you over the head and made it impossible for you to keep kidding yourself. You can learn from this that there is a price for buying into a fantasy. Then you can open your eyes and your heart to reality and meet it on its own terms.

Maybe it's too soon for you to consider this, but it will never be a good time. The person I know said her husband promised her that he would never hurt her, and so she trusted him. He specifically promised her that he would never be unfaithful and would never cheat on her with other women. She said she relied on that. Now she gives up on life because she got betrayed.

People do get fooled. Getting fooled by someone doesn't mean you're stupid. But spending 15 years thinking your marriage is just fine - when it is not - means you tend to believe what you want to believe. It's time to stop doing that - not to go around being negative about everything all the time . . . . . but to maintain a healthy skepticism and get to know others for who they really are.

You can give up and spend your life with a cat, but you don't have to. I recommend taking off the "rose-colored glasses."
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Old 11-30-2018, 10:58 PM   #27
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Thank you very much. Your words are not soft, but I think youíre right 100%. I must stop believe I had a lovely prince. Most of my friends understood there was something wrong with us, in our couple. I was blind, or with pink lenses.
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Old 12-01-2018, 12:46 AM   #28
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Good for you, Azzurrella! This is how you empower you. One year post marriage ending, you are off to a great start. Be the author of your own life story, not a blank page that someone else writes on . . . not a victim.

You have some friends worth keeping.

I am hopeful for you.
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Old 12-27-2018, 06:13 AM   #29
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Hi guys!!I hope you had a good Xmas Day!!
Iím working day by day to recover. To accept pain and a new life.
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Old 12-27-2018, 07:11 AM   #30
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I'm verry happy to hear it, Azzurrella! Merry Christmas! Don't give up. You can do this. Sending many hugs to you
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