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Old 09-29-2018, 02:09 AM   #1
gokwart
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Default 22 year marriage is dying because of me

Hello. This might seem one sided because it's my version. All feedback most appreciated. Sorry so long! Nice to get this off my chest.

Met my wife "Sally" in Thailand 1993, I was living there as a student. She was a virgin of 19 years old and very innocent, close to her family who owned a nice business. She was good at English (though I spoke so-so Thai), different from other girls. She was bit on the thick side, well-fed, but extremely kind and didn't latch on. Very tolerant of whatever I wanted. Her dad had two 'minor wives' as common in Thailand.

She was not the prettiest girl but definitely the nicest. Just kind of homely. Thailand had so many pretty girls and lots of ugly ones too. Sorry to make that a point but it is.

I moved back to USA after finishing studies 1994, and she joined me a year later. I got a great job, bought a house in a really nice neighborhood, and we set about raising a family. From the very beginning there were a few problems but I just powered through them and didn't let anything bother me. I loved my kids!

--

1. Slight hoarding instinct. Sally was never a good housekeeper. Hoarded crap and would never keep things clean and tidy. Ever. Messy countertops, carpets, windows, fridge, toilet, you name it. We had a home with a beautiful kitchen and a walk in pantry, still to this day she can never organize anything it's all haphazard mess until I come along and clean / organize it all. When she does clean she makes a big deal out of it and does a poor job.

2. Terrible cook. She takes after her mother and put me through 22 years of the worst cooking known to man. With three kids she could hardly organize a dinner meal. We ate out for years, not worried as I made really good money all along. When we weren't eating out, she'd feed the kids frozen stuff. I guess a lot of Americans eat that way. As I grew older, especially the last 6 or 8 years, I became focused on eating healthy food and making sure our kids did too. When she really wants to make something great, she can spend hours measuring and cooking based on cookbooks but can't get timing right and the result doesn't taste good, plus there's a huge mess that she spends 2 hours cleaning up when most people can get a kitchen whipped back into shape after 20 minutes.

3. Lack of involvement. For years I'd see moms getting out with kids in a stroller to go play at the park. Go out for a walk. Get them into little league. Know their teachers, plan birthday parties, etc. Not Sally. She'd stay home all day and never go out if she could.

Seeing this, I took the bull by the horns and basically assumed the role of mom and dad. I became totally involved in everything about the kids' activities, their schooling, homework, etc. I had to plan birthday parties, christmas gifts, everything. If I didn't, she wouldn't. Year after year. I'd try to show Sally how important it was to check with the kids' homework and get them out, but she'd never grasp it. Hard to believe? True. I went along with it.

I read our oldest daughter tons of books and encouraged her. Summer camps, nightly talks about homework, etc. She became an excellent student and is now finishing up a science degree, great future.

Our oldest son became a super long distance runner, I'd organize family trips to wake up early and go on various 5k runs, etc. He is an academic leader too. He got an academic scholarship and will soon finish and engineering degree with top grades. Our third child, same story, but he has the two older siblings to look up to and he's really competitive so he needs less support. He just excels, I'm less involved with him because he's already in advanced everything and gets straight As. All of this, to me, has occurred because I dedicated so much time to ensuring they were successful.

Camping, vacations, picnics, everything I had to plan out aside from busy work schedule. Not one time in 22 years did I come home to have a picnic planned or anything, but we spent TONS of time together as a family.

4. No friends. Sally would just never make friends, even though being Thai there is a community of people who look out for each other. Early on she made a single friend then they stopped talking. We went through 22 years of being a family unit. No friends. I could be partly to blame but heck, I mean look at all the adults out enjoying life as friends, having barbecues, etc. It would have been nice if she had a group of friends that we could have tied together and had meals together, etc. All that never happened. Blame me for that if you want but I had all kinds of things on my plate, seeing that my wife was kind of like just another kid to deal with.

5. Very little affection. I have never once sat on the sofa and had her come give me a kiss and say nice things and hold my hand and make me feel special like that. She's suggested that she never liked men to begin with but she really loves me. She talks like I'm some kind of king, and treats me with tons of respect, but it's all words. Having said that, it's fair to mention that she has always loved sex, and to this day she is never refuses. Nothing she likes more than to go to bed and have sex.

6. As we are now a lot older, I have become really fit with not much fat at all. I am obsessed with eating healthy but she keeps getting fatter. I think she's 4'11' and about 130+ lbs. She doesn't see it for some reason but wow, she's pretty dang fat. At this point I have zero physical attraction to her.

7. She has a good sense or humor and makes me laugh. That's got to be worth a lot. And she is really pleasant and never starts arguments, for anything.

--

OK when the kids started finishing high school was when I started to change my outlook on this relationship. I realized that she would never walk side-by-side. She'd always follow behind when we had the kids. Even when we were together she'd kind of follow back or walk with me but not as a loving couple. I'd see couples hand-in-hand and think how nice that would be. I spoke to her about that and she'd keep on trailing behind or eventually, knowing how important it was to me, she'd always walk together.

In March 2016 I said you know we can divorce and nobody has to be sad. At that point we had a solid $1,000,000+ of assets to split and we could figure out how to live separately. We owned a beautiful home and a second rental not far away. Wow she really did not want a divorce and sort of pretended I never said that. Definitely NOT what she wanted. She went to Thailand that summer (throughout the years she'd go back once a year to visit family). I had our youngest child and we spent a lot of time together and I was just listening to all of these sad songs about lost love and thinking I had to get out of this marriage.

Well what happened is that I met another woman (online) in December 2016. I was a cheater. Girlfriend is named "Tina".

I had just finished up a big work project and told my wife I needed time to travel alone on some fun adventure. Packed up with Tina (who is 4 years older than me by the way) and went overseas for two months of great fun together. Came back home and cried my eyes out because I wanted to be with Tina not my wife. But in those two months I discovered that all is not paradise with Tina too. She has a *****y side and has a type of compulsion to tell lies! No joke. And she's got a history of a few failed relationships, possibly in part due to her emotional abuse and to top it off she has spent years as a gambling addict. Yeah.

Well I carried on with Tina for nearly two years now. At first I simply did not care about what my wife thought, I'd make up some reason why I had to travel to this place or that, and I'd meet Tina at least two times a month for several days at a time. Shortly after our trip together, my wife found pictures and discovered that I had been having an affair. She was upset but didn't leave me.

We sold our family home for a huge profit, as prices had gone way up, and bought a small apartment building in another city which is up-and-coming, and that has turned out to be a great investment. If I didn't have Tina, I'd never get the chance to buy that, because I used that time hunting for a new investment, as an excuse to leave home. Tina and I spent a ton of time fixing it up together while Sally was back with our youngest. I know, you must be thinking this guy is a real jerk. What can I say?

I can tell you more about Tina. She is absolutely the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I am just totally in love with her beauty. Perfect body, skin, I mean a perfect 10 to me, and anyone who sees her would think yes she's gorgeous. Even in her mid 50s a knock out. Sometimes I think it's just me, she can't be that beautiful to everyone. But I am totally in love with her looks.

Tina and her first husband raised 5 kids and they are all just super kids. I respect that! After her first divorce, about 15 years ago, she has lived with a few men but did not marry. She says due to bad luck and her willingness to take whatever came along, she was stuck with these guys who she never loved. Blah blah blah.

Tina is super hard working and organized. She can cook better than the finest restaurant, and she whips up these delicious meals almost instantly. When I'm with her I eat so good! The very best.

She is super clean and VERY affectionate. We walk together she's right there holding me. At home she comes and hugs and wants endless affection, and gives me tons of love. She's also very sexual.

She's owned businesses before, and really knows how to make good decisions about business. She knows how to make friends, everywhere she goes. People like her. She's a leader. She knows how to do things. Whereas with my wife I have to do everything, Tina just takes charge and gets things done, goes shopping for food, and is just sharp. Tina is super active and can swim, bike, hike, etc. She loves an active lifestyle.

What happened to my wife and I about 10 months ago -- after we sold our big house we moved to the same city the apartment block is. We bought a house for cash in the nicest area, the weather is way nicer here and the people are just super healthy and active. We get rental income now and I trimmed back my involvement in the business that we own. Each and every day I go out to get exercise. Here we are in a new town and there are groups of friends and active people everywhere. VERY few fat people. My wife can't swim and never learned how to ride a bike, as she grew up in the big city and bicycling wasn't a thing in 98 degree humid polluted Bangkok.

I got my wife a trike, the kind that retired people ride around when they're too fat and unhealthy to ride a real bike. I take her along and ride slow so she can keep up. She seems to have fun she has been getting fatter and fatter the last year. I am just getting eaten up inside knowing that I don't want to spend the next 10-20 years with this person.

Look at it this way. If you saw a really healthy, attractive woman with a fat inactive guy, would you think it unrealistic that she leaves him for a different life, a healthy active life?

Tina is losing some patience with me but I keep seeing her twice a month, this past summer we were together sometimes 5-6 days at a time. We did make a trip overseas too, for 3 weeks. I do argue with Tina about a lot of things.

I'm about to move into one of the apartments we own. Tomorrow a tenant is vacating the nicest unit and it will take my wife by total surprise but I am planning to just furnish it and move in there. 1 mile from our current home. I'll probably take Tina on a trip overseas again then come back and we may stay together (finally) at that apartment. All of this will come as a shock to my wife I suppose.

Am I crazy? I could stay with my heavy-set, unattractive, friendly, non-active, terrible-cook, poor housekeeping wife. That would allow me to keep my investment properties as well as this home we just bought, and I'd never see Tina again. Decisions decisions.

The way I look at it, I should give Tina a chance and if it doesn't work out, at least I can figure out how to find an active spouse that's attractive and healthy. Lots of such women around. Well, what do you think? Sorry such a long message.
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Old 10-04-2018, 03:41 PM   #2
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Honestly... I don't know what to tell you about all of this. What would be important here, at least from my perspective, would be to bring this situation to as constructive a conclusion as possible one way or another as soon as possible. It has all gone on long enough. You wrote that your post might seem one-sided because it's your version... and that is the way it comes across. This is all about you, how you perceive the various people in your life, & what you want for yourself.

It is true that couples can grow apart over the years. My wife & I have been married for 39 years. And at this point we have little, if anything, in common except for the fact we've been married for 39 years. (I don't know a lot of older couples. But, based on the few I am at least passingly familiar with, I don't think my wife & I are unique.) Of course, you are younger than we are. So your interests, & your perspective, is going to be different. However the point here is, I think, that the individuals in any marriage do change & tend to grow apart. And at some point couples simply have to make a decision with regard to whether or not to stay together. Hopefully that decision can be made in such a way that both parties are at least at peace with it even if one of them doesn't like it.

Will you end up spending the rest of your life with Tina? Maybe you will, maybe you won't. (From what you wrote, I'd say that may be a toss-up.) Might your wife just decide to return to Thailand? Of course I don't know. But it sounds as though that might be a possibility. There's a possibility here you may simply end up finding yourself aging & alone. On the other hand, perhaps you & Tina will stay together & live happily ever after. There's just no way to know for sure. I think all you can do is to decide what you want to do & try to bring this situation to a conclusion as quickly & as constructively as possible for both you & your wife... & also for Tina. Here are links to a selection of articles, from PsychCentral's archives, that I thought might be of some help as you contemplate your next move:

Burned-Out on Your Marriage or Relationship?

The Decision To Delay Divorce: 3 Ways Couples Delay The Inevitable

Want a Divorce? Stop the Emotional Yo-Yo and Be Clear About It

Are You Ready For Divorce? 8 Questions You Should Answer

When One Spouse Wants Out of the Marriage But the Other Doesn't

https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-ps...dult-children/

I wish you well...
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Old 10-07-2018, 09:29 PM   #3
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I'm sorry, but you have very poor character. An affair for two years? You could have divorced your wife! It's not all up to her to divorce. You could have filed the papers. And now your poor wife is getting heavier, and my guess? She's probably very depressed over your affair! Disgusting. Sorry that I am being judgmental, but I cannot help it after reading your story. I don't condone cheating or affairs, and it's despicable behavior. You also sound very shallow. What about your wife's character as a person? Who is she as a person? You're in love with Tina's looks? And her ability to cook and clean? Man oh man. I know I shouldn't post this, but I cannot help but respond. It made me very angry and sad about the state of this world and the people in it.
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Old 10-07-2018, 10:21 PM   #4
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Your wife sounds unhappy. I am guessing she hasnít been any happier with you than youíve been with her. Have you guys at least had an honest conversation with each other about your feelings and what you both want out of life. I hope you can work something out that is fair to her as it sounds like she has been loyal to you.
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Old 10-08-2018, 09:03 AM   #5
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Default Re: 22 year marriage is dying because of me

If you were never really attracted to your wife then why did you begin a relationship in the first place? Physical attraction is not the end all be all of a relationship, but it does play a part. Have you ever just stopped to consider what your wife might be feeling? Nobody can diagnose your wife except a medical professional but what you describe about her here are signs of someone who could be clinically depressed. You sound like you are very well to do financially. Have you ever asked your wife if she would like to see a therapist?
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