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Old 08-29-2018, 10:31 AM   #1
findme.ifyoucan
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Default kids and divorce :( what to do.

I have posted on here a few times about my unhappy marriage, but recently with the return of my youngest things have gotten wayyyy worse for my marriage. My youngest is "strong willed" to say the least and is having serious issues conforming to school rules and my husband feels I am not mean enough to him to get him to conform to the rules of the school. I will admit I am not a parent that rules through fear nor do I care much for spanking...I feel it should be used in the most extreme situation and immediately after the incident...not hours later.
Well this is what started it. My husband and I have agreed that I needed to take more of a stern role with him in hopes this would help so I have agreed to this and made it clear that yesterday that I wanted to handle his behavior issues and the moment by husband say my youngest get into the car from daycare he gave him a death stare that just read I hate you and I am pissed off at you. I asked him not to look at my youngest with such intensity because he is only 5. Well the moment we got home before I could even get my youngest out of the car my husband gets out and goes to the back seat and points a finger in his face and starts yelling at him and being very harsh and ruling through fear.
I make the statement that I was going to handle this and ask why he did that and he get all pissy at me at points his finger at me and starts yelling that I constantly undermine him infront of the kids and walks off.
This is an ongoing issue ONLY WITH MY YOUNGEST - his stepchild. It seems as if my husband is soooooo excited to yell and punish him and jumps at ANY chance to do so and I am not okay with it and the MOMENT I say something about it he says I am undermining him and that it is a deal breaker.

I am so tired yall. so tired. I don't want that kind of life for my kids. Then last night my husband tells me that if he wasn't so invested in the house then he would have already left me. I told him that houses like ours sell really fast (and they do) and that if that was his issue then place the house for sell and leave. then he yells at me that I do not tell him what to do. I replied with I am just saying staying with me for the house is no excuse if you want to leave then leave and I will take care of the house. I pay most the bills anyway so it wouldn't be too much different for me than it is right now.

I am just so done with all this. He had his affair and I have never been able to fully move past it. I don't think about it like I used to and I have accepted that it happened and we have gone to therapy but the simple truth is I can never fully trust him again.....ever and he is not okay with that.

I believe we now have different values and things just are not lining up.

What worries me the most is my older daughter, who is also his step daughter knows him as dad. He bio dad passed away and was a piece of trash while we were together and I remarried, had my youngest, divorced, then married my now husband and I just don't want to put her through another divorce...she doesn't deserve it honestly. She never knew her bio dad because he hasn't seen her since she was under a year old, but that is not the point here.

ugh. I want to save my money to put me in a better position and graduate from school...as I will this winter and if things are still as crappy as they are I plan to just leave. I don't know how it will hurt my daughter and I try not think about it, but I am crumbling here.
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Old 08-29-2018, 12:43 PM   #2
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Default Re: kids and divorce :( what to do.

That sounds like a scary and painful situation! I'm so sorry you're going through that.


I think it would hurt all of your children more to stay in an unhappy marriage with a man who rules through fear. When you said "strong willed" I thought you meant a teenager, but a five year old? Many five year olds have problems when they first go off to school. Children that age need love and support, not fear and intimidation! They need to know they have a stable place to come home to, and that their parents will love them no matter what. Discipline and rules are still important, as kids need structure. But your H is going to do far more harm than good by setting that kind of example. That's the first way kids learn to behave, is by copying the adults around them.



You should think about your own feelings more, too. Kids will pick up on your unhappiness and distrust. And you deserve better than a mean, cheating husband, who doesn't share your values. You sound tired and miserable. You deserve better than this! And so do your kids.
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Old 09-04-2018, 05:02 AM   #3
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Default Re: kids and divorce :( what to do.

Does he play favorites between your son and daughter? I have a couple strong willed sons myself.

Sounds like he has one foot out the door. I understand what you meant about the sell the house comment.

So sorry that you are going through this. Have you considered reaching out to a woman's shelter hotline to see what services are available in case you need a financial cushion?

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Old 09-04-2018, 11:06 AM   #4
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Default Re: kids and divorce :( what to do.

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Does he play favorites between your son and daughter? I have a couple strong willed sons myself.

Sounds like he has one foot out the door. I understand what you meant about the sell the house comment.

So sorry that you are going through this. Have you considered reaching out to a woman's shelter hotline to see what services are available in case you need a financial cushion?

he does play favorites...he has girls of his own and all the girls we will treat mostly the same...his better than mine with more patience and love and I get that being a step parent is different than being a biological parent because that instant feeling of love you have for your kids is something you have to build with your step kids but I still treat them all the same. Now with the only boy he is so hard on him and to me it seems gets excited to punish and get on his case for even the smallest things, but when they happen with his girls then it is handled WAY different and I am a ***** for pointing that out he says.

I have not considered looking into any women's homes. I work full time and right now I am bringing in more money than him and could afford the house on my check alone (but would have to cancel many other bills).

The friction is there and honestly my mind is out of it (the marriage) at this point its something in my heart that keeps me wanting to try....and I feel that is mostly for my daughter who would have no dad without him.
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Old 09-04-2018, 12:11 PM   #5
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He doesn't sound like a good father. I'd try to get away.. I know it may be painful (especially if you think of your children) but I think it might be better in the long run
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Old 09-04-2018, 12:15 PM   #6
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Iím so sorry youíre going through this. It does sound like you have a plan that can get you and the kids away from the person and personally I would do it. Get your education and move on. You can do it. It seems hard at first but it seems to me the harder thing would be to keep staying there. I wish you all the best. ❤️
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Old 09-08-2018, 09:23 PM   #7
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I don't believe step-parents should take charge of discipline. You have to be stronger in forbidding him from getting between you and your child. That's going to be one heck of a challenge. Your husband d doesn't seem to have much respect for you.

You've enumerated a number of problems. I'm sorry you have so much to deal with. I would advise you to pick a problem and think about one problem at a time. I totally understand that the problems are related. But I think you are overwhelming your own mind by thinking about everything at once. You would be more than welcome, even, to start several threads. I for one would look at each. Sometimes the first thing to do in a complicated situation is to "sort."

You sound like a caring mother who wants to do right by her children. That has to be your first priority. You can dump a lousy husband. But a kid subjected to inappropriate treatment may turn out to be a cross you'll carry for as long as you live. Is your husband a biological or adoptive father to any child of yours? If not, then your situation is greatly simplified. You and those kids have to be a family together. His membership in it is optional. Even he sees that.

Let the school handle your child's behavior at school. They are professionals. You won't change your child's behavior at school by punishing him over it when he gets home. You have enough to do coping with how he behaves at home. Focus on that. I agree with you. For 5 year olds, response to behavior has to be in the moment. You need have no discussions with your husband over how to improve this child's behavior. Your husband hasn't the slightest idea of how to be helpful. Stop trying to convince him of your beliefs regarding child rearing. Does he have any kids of his own? Led him rear his own. Meanwhile, tell him to back off your kid. His nastiness toward your 5 year old is going to compound this child's problems.

Regarding your older daughter: you are kidding yourself with this stuff about how you have to keep this marriage going for her sake. It's okay for you to be heartbroken over another failed relationship. I understand that you don't want to face divorce. That's normal. But don't put it on your daughter. You living in misery with a man who's a lousy influence on your home is worse for her than you moving on. She'll adapt to change quite well, if you do what you need to do.

I'm not saying that I know you should get divorced. I don't know. I'm not there in your home. But you say this man does not contribute fairly to the financial support of the home? Plus he's telling you he'ld like to leave? Plus he wants to dominate your children and you. I'ld be inclined to tell him, don't let the screen door hit you on the @$$ on your way out.

I hope you find a way forward. This all sounds tough. Don't get brow beaten into just accepting things as they are.

Last edited by Rose76; 09-08-2018 at 09:47 PM.. Reason: Got interrupted.
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Old 09-08-2018, 10:05 PM   #8
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Sorry. I missed your second post. I was just reading all posts. I see your husband does have bio kids of his own. Plus, I was interrupted and forgot about the infidelity issue. Your last paragraph in post #1 sounds like a reasonable plan to start with . . . but you might need him out of that house sooner.
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Old 11-08-2018, 10:38 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by findme.ifyoucan View Post

My husband and I have agreed that I needed to take more of a stern role with him in hopes this would help so I have agreed to this and made it clear that yesterday that I wanted to handle his behavior issues and the moment by husband say my youngest get into the car from daycare he gave him a death stare that just read I hate you and I am pissed off at you. I asked him not to look at my youngest with such intensity because he is only 5. Well the moment we got home before I could even get my youngest out of the car my husband gets out and goes to the back seat and points a finger in his face and starts yelling at him and being very harsh and ruling through fear.

.
I had a similar situation with my wife: she was much stricter than I am, ruled through fear, had no real liking for my daughter (her stepdaughter). We also agreed I should be stricter... but thereís a problem there: I tried, I really tried, but I know now that there was no way I could ever have been strict enough to satisfy what she wanted in a family, and no way that level of strictness would ever have been good for my daughter.

In the meantime, my wife was also strict with me, very strict, and got stricter, and kept moving the goalposts on her standard of behavior, and really ceased being a partner, and then shifted into being abusive. And then started to threaten divorce. It was a downward spiral. I moved out with my daughter over a year ago and itís much, much better now. Iím sad to leave my dream of family behind but it was awful trying to be THAT family.

That image of your husband yelling at a 5-year-old child because of nothing more than being angry, thatís awful. There is no way that child can be subjected to that, and no way your husband can behave like that, for the next 13 years your son lives at home. So either your husband changes or your child changes... except only one of them is the ADULT in this case.
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Old 02-07-2019, 10:50 PM   #10
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You are stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Another separation could be traumatizing for your daughter but growing up in a current situation could also be traumatizing for her.

Maybe you can look at what is best in the long run rather than in the short run, and go from there. No decision will be easy, but what would be best in the long run?
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