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Old 03-12-2018, 01:49 PM   #1
TishaBuv
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Itís been two weeks.

We might just stay separated and nothing more needs to be done. Iím not sure if I am kidding myself thinking itís going to be that easy and amicable.

Iím having lots of traumatic flash backs of all the years of fighting and me crying. Iím angry and confused about the therapists.

My sons and I are doing fine. I havenít cried in two weeks! I am so thankful for my friends who have been there for me and we have gotten together each weekend for a dinner date. Without them, I doubt I would have had this much courage.

My h and I were supposed to be on a beautiful trip I had planned this week. I know I shouldnít be in shock because this was a long time coming, but I am still in shock.
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Old 03-13-2018, 06:04 AM   #2
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Iím having lots of traumatic flash backs of all the years of fighting and me crying. Iím angry and confused about the therapists.

My sons and I are doing fine. I havenít cried in two weeks! I am so thankful for my friends who have been there for me and we have gotten together each weekend for a dinner date. Without them, I doubt I would have had this much courage.
I am sorry you are thinking back so much on unhappy events I will pray that you do less and less of this as time goes by. I hope you can eventually let go of it. Maybe write about it. As you know, I wrote about a lot of the things that were bothering me. When I think about these regrets, I try to focus more on not repeating the same behaviors and making up for it all by trying to do things better than before. They aren't bothering me as much lately (though I do occassionally ruminate on some of it at night when I am trying to fall asleep). Maybe the writing helped even though it will never be a bestseller!

When we are mostly able to live in the present by focussing on our friends, children and activities--that is a sign we are getting better. I hope this becomes what occupies your mind more and more. I want you to feel happy, content, and loved. I wish you the best.

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Old 03-21-2018, 12:14 PM   #3
Wild Coyote
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(((((( Tisha Buv )))))))
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Old 03-30-2018, 09:13 PM   #4
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Heís saying he doesnít want this, that he wants us to go to counseling. Now I have to really be the bad guy and force this divorce on him, kicking and screaming. So ugly! This is where he wears me down and guilts me into going back. But I know going back will only be more of the same, and it is killing me.
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Old 03-30-2018, 09:16 PM   #5
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Is it abuse when someone wonít let go of you even though they are making you so unhappy you are dying? Yet they say they love you? Yet they will not and cannot make the change you need?
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Old 03-31-2018, 03:23 AM   #6
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TishaBuv

I hate confrontation and divorcing someone who refuses to go is about as confrontational as it gets. When I started divorcing my H last year, he was not making it easy but I never got that far, not sure I could have done it. (In my case, there are some things I still love about him and probably will never go down that road again.) I do remember how scared/anxious it made me feel--it was making my mental illness worse, I couldn't sleep at all so, of course, until your divorce is complete--I am worried about you.

I think one of the most loving things we could do for another person is be willing to let them go. You may have to tell him you have made up your mind and don't want to talk about it. I am sure this is hard to do because he has the right to come over and see his son but maybe leave or go in the bedroom when he comes. I used to listen to my H's long lectures but then I learned to say something like, "I will not talk about this anymore," and just refusing to continue to engage when he is upset has made a huge difference for me (and I think it helped him respect me too because I won't let him talk to me anymore in a way that makes me feel bad).

So continue with the plan (use the legal system) and disengage. Sadly, until this is all over--you must stay away from him as much as possible. Hopefully, when it is all over, you will eventually be friends but it is possible that he may hold a grudge. I hope not. You both share three wonderful sons who may eventually get married, have kids, and other milestones which will involve both of you being there.

I admire you for getting this far and have been wondering if the stress is one of the things making your immune system weak and therefore more susceptible to things like the pneumonia you are battling. Is the pneumonia getting better?

You say you are sure you are better off without him. If you are sure about this (it seems like you are), stay strong. Though I am not a great example of staying strong--many other women have done it at PC. If you have any IRL friends who have divorced, then seek their advice and support. When my sister divorced, she relied on the advice of a friend who had already been through it. It was hard on my sister but once it is finalized, she had PTSD for a while (a year then only slight PTSD during year two after)--now she seems over it now and stands so strong!!
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Old 03-31-2018, 07:18 AM   #7
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He makes me so upset and angry. Even the way he handled this makes me mad. He hasnít called me to talk at all and now he gives this response through the lawyers. If he didnít make me upset and angry all the time, I wouldnít be divorcing him. I need to just focus on that.

The cold is getting a little better so I didnít go to the doctor.

He doesnít care what heís doing to me and to his kids. Who is he thinking about? Just him. He is ok with just how the marriage has been! How does this equate to he loves me? He loves me CRYING?
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Old 03-31-2018, 07:44 AM   #8
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He makes me so upset and angry. Even the way he handled this makes me mad. He hasnít called me to talk at all and now he gives this response through the lawyers. If he didnít make me upset and angry all the time, I wouldnít be divorcing him. I need to just focus on that.

The cold is getting a little better so I didnít go to the doctor.

He doesnít care what heís doing to me and to his kids. Who is he thinking about? Just him. He is ok with just how the marriage has been! How does this equate to he loves me? He loves me CRYING?
What do you really wish? That he would divorce exactly the way you want? It will not be this way. You are fighting for different things unless you want him to change more than you want him to divorce you. You are talking so much about the way he makes you feel that I wish you had a therapist that you trusted to help you sort your feelings out.

There are some things about other people that we can't change and I think you are divorcing because you doubt he loves you (I don't know--could this be your self esteem--why would he want to stay married if he didn't love you) and you feel that he is incapable of being the kind of husband you need. You are going to have terrible, uncomfortable emotions until this is over. If you are still sure about divorcing then say, "we have already been to counseling and it did not work, my position has not changed," through your lawyer or email (if you email, leave your emotions out as much as you can.) I am sorry you are going through this. Divorce is not easy but it will be worth it when it is finalized if you want him mostly out of your life.
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