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Old 11-27-2017, 12:06 PM   #41
Mapman
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Thanks for the kind words, seesaw. Just another story, if I may: 3 days ago I reminded her that a few days into this whole thing I told her that I would be open to her "going through this" if she promised to keep it to emails and calls and no physical contact. At that early time in this hell she said that she couldn't rule out the physical contact. When I brought that up 3 days ago she said that she would be willing to try that.

I said that it's too late.
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Old 11-27-2017, 12:12 PM   #42
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Thanks for the kind words, seesaw. Just another story, if I may: 3 days ago I reminded her that a few days into this whole thing I told her that I would be open to her "going through this" if she promised to keep it to emails and calls and no physical contact. At that early time in this hell she said that she couldn't rule out the physical contact. When I brought that up 3 days ago she said that she would be willing to try that.

I said that it's too late.
I think you should take that back. You don't deserve to be the third wheel in an emotional.affair she is having. If she can't even talk to you about her needs and her first reaction is to have an affair...she really can't be trusted.
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Old 11-27-2017, 12:36 PM   #43
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Right, and even if it is over with him this time, what's to say she won't get bored and get another message during meditation that it's time to strike it back up with him?

The other day I said to her, "So what you have with him is superior to what you have with me on both an emotional and sexual level?" Her response was that she didn't like the word "superior," so I asked her to rephrase it. She said something like, "What I have with him is deeper on an emotional and sexual level."

She has had clarity all along. She does not want to give up this relationship, and only when threatened with having to move out of the home does she become even slightly conciliatory.

But again, she has known him for longer than she's known me. The emotional connection with him existed before she knew me. It existed during the entire time we've been married, even though she didn't act on it. And it will exist after we split up. I may be simple, and unspiritual, and shallow, but I recognize reality when I see it.
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Old 11-27-2017, 12:52 PM   #44
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I'm going through something pretty similar to this currently. It has only gotten worse since day one. My wife has tried to stop everything with the other person but she keeps having contact because she says she is addicted and she cant explain it. It is pure selfishness and not being able to be happy with what you have. Everyone has told my wife that she has it made and everything seems perfect for her, but she always wants more. I do not think your wife will actually stop. I feel like I've tried everything with my wife, but she is not willing to put forth the effort to get the other person out of her life. My wife did the same when divorce was brought up and her moving out was brought up, she started pulling me back in by telling me she would try...then a few days later more contact.
Obviously it could be different for you, but I dont think she will realize it until she goes and does it, then she will realize what she left and that what she left it for is not actually better or what she thought it was. That is where I am at right now. It sucks to know there is still part of me thats would give her a chance, but I'm just hoping that fades before she hits rock bottom and realizes she had what she wanted all along.
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Old 11-27-2017, 02:08 PM   #45
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Right, and even if it is over with him this time, what's to say she won't get bored and get another message during meditation that it's time to strike it back up with him?

The other day I said to her, "So what you have with him is superior to what you have with me on both an emotional and sexual level?" Her response was that she didn't like the word "superior," so I asked her to rephrase it. She said something like, "What I have with him is deeper on an emotional and sexual level."

She has had clarity all along. She does not want to give up this relationship, and only when threatened with having to move out of the home does she become even slightly conciliatory.

But again, she has known him for longer than she's known me. The emotional connection with him existed before she knew me. It existed during the entire time we've been married, even though she didn't act on it. And it will exist after we split up. I may be simple, and unspiritual, and shallow, but I recognize reality when I see it.
Wow. What's sad is that that shouldn't be true. She has two kids with you. She has loved with you for 20 years. Just because she met him before you, she should have created that deeper connection with you. Not harbored feelings for someone from her past for 20 years.

I hate to say it but I don't think this affair is as short lived as she claims. I think it's been going on the whole time.
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Old 11-27-2017, 02:09 PM   #46
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Default Re: Wife's affair may spell doom for our 20-year marriage

I'm sorry to say that if this started 18 yrs ago and she's beein carrying on with this guy for that long which is most likely, any details is moot. She's likely not going to quit and she is the type that thinks it's ok to have two lives. after 18 yrs do you really think that kind of a pattern will change in any kind of reasonable time frame? She needs more than just talk but actually the realization that it's over or you're gone. This is one situation where I really recommend walking away at the very least for a physical separation.

I hate to bear bad news but somehow I dont' think my info can top how badly I'm sure this has traumatized you already. I'm sorry you're going through this.
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Old 11-27-2017, 05:20 PM   #47
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I know it's not going to change. She's always put herself above our relationship and our family and I was always right there to compensate for it.

There's just no good, positive answer here. Just a lesser of two evils (break up). I'm glad the kids are 14 and 17 as opposed to 4 and 7.
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Old 11-27-2017, 05:49 PM   #48
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Sending you lots of love. A little pain now (OK, a lot) is better than a lifetime of misery. So sorry you're hurting
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Old 11-27-2017, 06:09 PM   #49
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Yeah I dont think she will stop until she goes and tries it. Then she will probably realize its not what she thought it was over time. I'm going through a similar situation right now but my kids are 2 and 5. My wife is now in love with a woman apparently, but there is so much more to the story. She is leaving and moving in with the other woman and I've files for divorce. Sadly part of me still wants to work it out, but I know she wont see it for what it is until the excitement of the newness wears off and then she will have nothing...It is just pure selfishness. Some people cant be happy with what they have and they need to always try to find something "better", but really is just that they are not happy with themselves and they will never find anything better.
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Old 11-27-2017, 06:15 PM   #50
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I dont think she will ever stop until she goes and tries it. I'm going through a similar situation. My wife "fell in love" with a woman and is leaving and moving in with her. There is a lot more to the story, but she doesnt see anything but what she wants to. My kids are 2 and 5. Its very sad. Its pure selfishness. Some people cant see what they have and be happy with what they have. They have to go and try to find something "better", but really they are just not happy with themselves. I have no doubt your wife will regret it when the newness and excitement of all this wears off. I believe that will happen to me to, I just hope that part of me thats wants to work it out is gone by then.
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