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Old 11-10-2017, 02:52 PM   #11
Purple,Violet,Blue
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I'm very sorry, Mapman.

It sounds like she's messing with your head a bit.

She's trying to have her cake and eat it, in my opinion, but at the expense of your feelings.

Stay clear about what's happening here; she has to make a decision. Don't let her put it onto you, or wrack your brains trying to think of a solution, or contort yourself into impossible positions.

Best wishes.
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Old 11-10-2017, 02:54 PM   #12
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Open Eyes, I'll be honest--it's been years. Early on in our relationship she set a tone sexually that was pretty...disinterested. So I adjusted to her desires because she seemed to want it less than I and I got tired of getting turned down. I thought of the sex as just one component of the relationship and not the entire thing. So I fulfilled my needs in other ways without involving other people if you get my drift. It just seems like we settled into a groove that wasn't particularly exciting, but that was because that's what we both wanted.

But now as I think back to those earlier years I wonder if she was getting her needs fulfilled elsewhere and that's why she was disinterested.
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Old 11-10-2017, 03:00 PM   #13
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Thanks Purple. It's interesting, there's a part of me that is continuing to try to minimize the whole thing--like make myself feel like it's not that big of a deal and I should get over it. That minimizing voice usually prevails, but this time my emotions, which I normally keep pretty well in check, are saying otherwise. For the first time in a long time I'm paying attention to my emotions.

And I've also been very aware that the decision is hers. I've even told her that she would need to commit to changes before I even think about what would be best for me.
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Old 11-10-2017, 03:01 PM   #14
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Open eyes, you have a point but it may be a bit late, wooing someone who has betrayed you is not an easy thing to convince the ego to do.
She lied to her husband and your solution is for him to shower her with attention and affections?
Unrealistic, not impossible but definitely unrealistic.
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Old 11-10-2017, 03:10 PM   #15
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It's such a shock to your system. You're probably going through some denial (with her encouragement).

I really feel for you. I've been in this position, as I'm sure many of us have.

I didn't even contemplate not-minding the betrayal, to be honest.
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Old 11-10-2017, 03:10 PM   #16
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Sorry, double post
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Old 11-10-2017, 03:33 PM   #17
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It's hard to peg my wife as being manipulative, because I've never seen her that way. But she as always been this strange (in my mind) combination of wanting somebody to make small decisions for her, but always doing what she wanted when it came to her own self-fulfillment. So selfish is probably how I would describe her.

Example of wanting somebody else to make decisions: picking a restaurant to eat dinner at.

Example of pursuing her own fulfillment seemingly without regard to others: the first time she went away for the 10-day meditation retreat, our son was maybe 2 years old. I remember feeling like it's not very much of a "mommy" thing to do, but also wanting to be supportive of her spiritual journey.

As I think back on 20 years my feeling is that the family has been here when she wanted that, and she did her own thing otherwise.

Sometimes when I would go out with friends by myself, I'd return home and she would immediately tell me everything that went wrong while I was gone. It would come across as "filling me in", but what it really communicated to me was "this is what happens when you leave."

She is an only child, by the way.

It feels really good to get this out. She's not a monster by any stretch, but she does ALWAYS come first.
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Old 11-10-2017, 04:12 PM   #18
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No, I wouldn't suggest she is a monster. I think you've found the right word.

With her spiritual development, she has possibly been taking the high ground? But if she tries to do that, remember that in spite of her highly-evolved state, she hasn't done what most decent people would force themselves to do; be honest with their partner.
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Old 11-10-2017, 04:34 PM   #19
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Purple, she does think that she's hit on something with this meditation practice and that everyone can benefit from it. She's suggested it to me several times (for me to do) and I think she's been disappointed that I'm not interested. And based on some of the emails I read, she's been encouraging the other guy to fly out here and go do it too, so I think he has indicated more interest in it than I. Inviting him is a big red flag for me, isn't it?

So that's at least a part of this issue. You hear stories about couples in which one spouse gets saved and embraces Jesus and the other doesn't, or half of a couple turns to orthodox Judaism and their paths start to diverge. Doesn't really explain the affair though. As prefab suggested on the first page, I think the meditation is just an excuse and the goal is that she really wants to get her rocks off, and I just ain't doing it for her anymore.
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Old 11-10-2017, 04:41 PM   #20
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I'm really sorry.

We're here for you, Map. It's, sadly, part of life as a grown-up. You're not alone.
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