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Old 09-19-2018, 08:07 PM   #121
Buffy01
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Originally Posted by Mapman View Post
It's hard to peg my wife as being manipulative, because I've never seen her that way. But she as always been this strange (in my mind) combination of wanting somebody to make small decisions for her, but always doing what she wanted when it came to her own self-fulfillment. So selfish is probably how I would describe her.

Example of wanting somebody else to make decisions: picking a restaurant to eat dinner at.

Example of pursuing her own fulfillment seemingly without regard to others: the first time she went away for the 10-day meditation retreat, our son was maybe 2 years old. I remember feeling like it's not very much of a "mommy" thing to do, but also wanting to be supportive of her spiritual journey.

As I think back on 20 years my feeling is that the family has been here when she wanted that, and she did her own thing otherwise.

Sometimes when I would go out with friends by myself, I'd return home and she would immediately tell me everything that went wrong while I was gone. It would come across as "filling me in", but what it really communicated to me was "this is what happens when you leave."

She is an only child, by the way.

It feels really good to get this out. She's not a monster by any stretch, but she does ALWAYS come first.
I think the meditation is just an excuse!
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Old 09-19-2018, 08:10 PM   #122
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No, I wouldn't suggest she is a monster. I think you've found the right word.

With her spiritual development, she has possibly been taking the high ground? But if she tries to do that, remember that in spite of her highly-evolved state, she hasn't done what most decent people would force themselves to do; be honest with their partner.
I agree!
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Old 09-19-2018, 08:13 PM   #123
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Purple, she does think that she's hit on something with this meditation practice and that everyone can benefit from it. She's suggested it to me several times (for me to do) and I think she's been disappointed that I'm not interested. And based on some of the emails I read, she's been encouraging the other guy to fly out here and go do it too, so I think he has indicated more interest in it than I. Inviting him is a big red flag for me, isn't it?

So that's at least a part of this issue. You hear stories about couples in which one spouse gets saved and embraces Jesus and the other doesn't, or half of a couple turns to orthodox Judaism and their paths start to diverge. Doesn't really explain the affair though. As prefab suggested on the first page, I think the meditation is just an excuse and the goal is that she really wants to get her rocks off, and I just ain't doing it for her anymore.
I agree!
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Old 09-19-2018, 08:15 PM   #124
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Originally Posted by ReptileInYourHead View Post
Iím getting pretty angry with your wife map, I donít think I have anymore to add to this convo, nothing constructive anyways.
I will keep reading though, and know that you have my sympathies, this is a real moral quagmire.
I agree!
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Old 09-19-2018, 08:19 PM   #125
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Buffy, I appreciate your responses. Months ago when I wrote those posts I could have used that advice! It's almost a year on now, and we have been divorced for several months. I got the house and most of the custody of the kids in the divorce, and she is relegated to paying too much rent for a small apartment and the man she "loved" decided to stay with his wife. My relationship with her is completely over, and I'm doing well now. We have both moved on.
I'm glad! I'm glad I could help you. Sound like karma but her in the butt
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Old 09-19-2018, 08:24 PM   #126
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Thanks Reptile. And thanks to everyone who has replied. I don't want to wear you out--you have all given me some things to chew on. I know my situation isn't really solvable by anyone other than myself.
Absolutely not! I come from a family of cheater.
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Old 09-19-2018, 08:28 PM   #127
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I just want to add one more thing--I've been pretty cold and distant since I found out, with the exception of 2 or 3 moments of just breaking down with her, and she is keeping her distance from me. She's not a very confrontational person, but it seems like if she really wanted to fight to keep me, she would be doing more than what she has been doing. Clarity's a b-word.
I sorry to hear that!
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Old 09-24-2018, 07:08 PM   #128
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Sky, I really appreciate the support. I believe I read your original comments and while our situations are somewhat different, I could really relate to your account with your ex. I would never go so far as to say that all adults brought up as only children behave the same way, but it was interesting to read about your experience. Thanks for that.
I agree! Unfortunately my niece for awhile was the only child who was spoiled by my parent. My sister had multiple affairs so my niece feel she entitled to cheat.
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Old 09-24-2018, 07:10 PM   #129
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Hello. I thought I would provide an update to my situation to all who were so kind to respond earlier.

It has been a very up-and-down couple of weeks since this all started. I have had moments where I thought everything was going to be OK, then moments where I couldn't pretend like everything was normal anymore. I don't need to waste all of your time describing every up and down, just that it's been wild swings.

The bottom line is this: My wife's desire is to keep us together while she pursues this relationship. She has not given up on it and is not willing to. She has told me that she wants the option of turning their relationship physical when she sees him. She wants me to accept that.

At one point I told her that I would accept their relationship and her desire to continue exploring these feelings she has for him if it remained only email/phone contact and if they did not pursue any physical contact. With her recent disclosure that she wants to be able to act on the physical side of the relationship if that arises, we realized that we are at an impasse that can't be bridged between the two of us. So we have decided to separate. She will be moving out of the house sometime in the coming weeks.

We are planning on telling the kids later today. I'm not looking forward to that conversation, but also realize that we can't continue down this path of pretending nothing is wrong. They are going to figure it out eventually.

Thanks, everyone, for reading this.
I'm sorry!
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Old 09-24-2018, 07:13 PM   #130
Buffy01
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My Mood: Wife's affair may spell doom for our 20-year marriage

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Default Re: Wife's affair may spell doom for our 20-year marriage

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Originally Posted by Mapman View Post
Hello. I thought I would provide an update to my situation to all who were so kind to respond earlier.

It has been a very up-and-down couple of weeks since this all started. I have had moments where I thought everything was going to be OK, then moments where I couldn't pretend like everything was normal anymore. I don't need to waste all of your time describing every up and down, just that it's been wild swings.

The bottom line is this: My wife's desire is to keep us together while she pursues this relationship. She has not given up on it and is not willing to. She has told me that she wants the option of turning their relationship physical when she sees him. She wants me to accept that.

At one point I told her that I would accept their relationship and her desire to continue exploring these feelings she has for him if it remained only email/phone contact and if they did not pursue any physical contact. With her recent disclosure that she wants to be able to act on the physical side of the relationship if that arises, we realized that we are at an impasse that can't be bridged between the two of us. So we have decided to separate. She will be moving out of the house sometime in the coming weeks.

We are planning on telling the kids later today. I'm not looking forward to that conversation, but also realize that we can't continue down this path of pretending nothing is wrong. They are going to figure it out eventually.

Thanks, everyone, for reading this.
I would.Have let the wife know what to expect from court when she is sued because of her husband. I would be filing a restraining order against the the guy she is having an affair with a file a big fat lawsuit against the meditation. I practice meditation and never ruin someone else life.
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