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Old 04-09-2019, 07:10 PM #1
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Default And it is over

Any advice on an amicable divorce? We are working on dismantling our connected lives brick by brick. We are also at each others throats. I dont want us to hate each other at the end. We are simply on different life trajectories. Does anyone have suggestions for maintaining the peace while we fork our lives back into 2 seperate paths?
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Old 04-09-2019, 08:23 PM #2
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Default Re: And it is over

One has to move out while dividing property. Donít say in the sane household. It makes it harder.

Do you have children? If yes then focus on the fact that you must remain civil for pretty much forever as even when kids are grown, youíll have events and grandkids etc So stay civil for the sake of them. Refrain from being at each other throats

If no kids, then donít live together and donít hang out keep the distance and let lawyers deal with logistics. Then move on. If you have no kids, no need to see each other again so hating or not hating will be irrelevant. Hang in there.
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Old 04-10-2019, 11:30 AM #3
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Default Re: And it is over

Quote:
Originally Posted by ChaoticEnigma View Post
Any advice on an amicable divorce? We are working on dismantling our connected lives brick by brick. We are also at each others throats. I dont want us to hate each other at the end. We are simply on different life trajectories. Does anyone have suggestions for maintaining the peace while we fork our lives back into 2 seperate paths?

An amicable divorce comes from an amicable relationship. What I mean is that if there is distrust, disagreement and conflict in the relationship, as you say causing you to be at each other's throats, then this needs to be resolved first. Without that, it's going to be difficult to have a divorce that goes smoothly and is friendly.


I don't know what your conflicts are, so they really can't be addressed directly but my point only is in that the resulting nature of the divorce is completely dependent on your agreeability between you both.
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Old 04-10-2019, 11:32 AM #4
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Default Re: And it is over

also just a suggestion, you might want to have admins move this to the divorce and separation section as there you will have more responders that are directly experienced in this subject.
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Old 04-10-2019, 11:50 AM #5
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Default Re: And it is over

Hello Chaotic Enigma. Sorry you are going through a divorce. It can be really stressful but keep looking ahead to the future....brighter times ahead. Divorce is such a mind-altering phenomenon. The reality is that it can lead some spouses to do wildly inappropriate things. So the key is to keep focusing on yourself (and your children of course if you're a parent) and be as reasonable and calm as possible while a professional advocates for your rights. We cannot change other people; we can only change how we respond to them. A tug of war cannot continue if one side lets go of the rope.

I recommend hiring an attorney to advocate for your rights and wishes. Do you have children? Best to have some sort of professional mediator if you are arguing about a custody agreement. Don't say anything negative about your spouse to your children. Honor their relationship with him/her and keep your feelings about your spouse separate. Choose a friend or someone else you really trust and vent to them when you are feeling angry or frustrated with your spouse. Do you have a support network? That could be invaluable. Are you open to speaking with a therapist? On your own I mean. That really helped me to keep my peace and heal during/after my divorce.

I wish you peace, hope, and a bright future.
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Old 04-10-2019, 12:18 PM #6
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Default Re: And it is over

I'm so sorry you're gong through all of this, ChaoticEnigma! I completely agree with what all the other wise, wonderful posters have already wisely said better than I ever could, so I'll try not to repeat myself too much! You've been lots of great, wise, wonderful advice on this thread! I'd suggest to follow it as much as you can if you want to! Unfortunately it's always hard to go through a divorce. It's admirable that you want to avoid conflict, but remember that that doesn't depend only on you but that it takes some effort on her part as well! I'd suggest to just talk to her about this and see how it goes from there! Try to ask her if you're BOTH on the same page on this! I feel like that's really important if you want your divorce to go smoothly! Hopefully she'll listen to what you have to say and understand you! If she still doesn't listen to you, I'm afraid the only solution is to just avoid her and cut off contacts with her as much as possible. Let the lawyers do what needs to be done and just let them do their work! I hope she'll understand what you mean, though, and that you'll be able to at least go through this divorce peacefully! Divorce is certainly not easy at all, you don't need more heavy baggage on your shoulders! Please don't give up hope! Try to hang on as much as you can! You're a STRONG, WONDERFUL PERSON! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! We all care about you here! We all love you here! Feel free to vent and write here as much as you need it and want to! You know we won't judge you! I promise you that! Remember that we're here for you if you need it! Feel free to PM me anytime! Let me know if I can do something to help you! Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes! I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, ChaoticEnigma!
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Old 04-10-2019, 12:33 PM #7
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Default Re: And it is over

Quote:
Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006 View Post
An amicable divorce comes from an amicable relationship. What I mean is that if there is distrust, disagreement and conflict in the relationship, as you say causing you to be at each other's throats, then this needs to be resolved first. Without that, it's going to be difficult to have a divorce that goes smoothly and is friendly.


I don't know what your conflicts are, so they really can't be addressed directly but my point only is in that the resulting nature of the divorce is completely dependent on your agreeability between you both.
I hear what you are saying but I think that having a disagreement and distrust and conflict is probably what led to a decision to divorce so if they are going to work on resolving those issues, then they arenít divorcing but trying to improve relationship, which they already decided isnít going to improve. I donít think you need to have good marriage to have amicable divorce, you just have to be commited to dissolve marriage with as little conflict as possible.
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Old 04-10-2019, 01:28 PM #8
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Default Re: And it is over

Yes I do have kids. However the "hot topics" have been settled. Custody and money. We dont want or need lawyers involved. It isnt like that.

More so it is the petty squabbling and jabs at each other. Not in front of the kids. They have no idea yet and it isnt their burden anyways. They are a big reason why amicable is so important to me. There is no option to just walk away and never see each other again.

We had a great friendship and marriage. We dont hate each other. I would simply like to keep it that way. We have changed and grown apart and it is an adjustment for both of us.

My spouse asked me how we keep from shredding each other in response to hurt, changes and stress. I got so far as avoid each other than stalled.

In regards to why I posted in this section it is because main forums get more traffic than sub forums. It was intentionally placed and my preference would be for it to stay here for now. This isnt the throw down, no holds bar seperation we normally hear of. I want to be friends at the end.
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Old 04-10-2019, 02:10 PM #9
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Default Re: And it is over

Quote:
Originally Posted by ChaoticEnigma View Post
Yes I do have kids. However the "hot topics" have been settled. Custody and money. We dont want or need lawyers involved. It isnt like that.

More so it is the petty squabbling and jabs at each other. Not in front of the kids. They have no idea yet and it isnt their burden anyways. They are a big reason why amicable is so important to me. There is no option to just walk away and never see each other again.

We had a great friendship and marriage. We dont hate each other. I would simply like to keep it that way. We have changed and grown apart and it is an adjustment for both of us.

My spouse asked me how we keep from shredding each other in response to hurt, changes and stress. I got so far as avoid each other than stalled.

In regards to why I posted in this section it is because main forums get more traffic than sub forums. It was intentionally placed and my preference would be for it to stay here for now. This isnt the throw down, no holds bar seperation we normally hear of. I want to be friends at the end.
Thank you for the update ChaoticEnigma. I'm a bit confused at this point. If you both want an amicable divorce and the major issues have been resolved without mediation then why are you taking "jabs" at each other, "shredding" each other, and "squabbling?" That does not sound amicable. Am I misunderstanding?

You say the children are unaware and it's not their burden. This will be a burden in their lives. Need not be forever but it will have a major impact on them. The sooner they know the better so you can open a dialogue and help them to process their feelings. Keeping them in the dark would magnify their decreased sense of control and increase their stress. It is not possible for parents to divorce in a vacuum without it affecting their children. The children need just as much support and dialogue, if not more, than the adults. It's unlikely that they don't already know that something is up. Children, including infants and toddlers, pick up on their parents' moods and tension. So even if they don't know what exactly is happening, they likely already feel the tension.

Sorry in advance if I misunderstood you. I wish you, your children, and former spouse peace and good health.
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Old 04-10-2019, 03:39 PM #10
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Default Re: And it is over

If things are as great as you described (great marriage and friendship), then being at each otherís throat doesnít really make sense. I thought you asked how to make it amicable because itís not but now you saying itís all good. If things are peaceful and great, then there really are no issues. Just keep doing what you are doing
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