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Old 01-15-2019, 11:33 AM   #1
elevatedsoul
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Default never present never grounded

I am not born, im in hell, i own no feelings but imposed on me are too many feelings
All i can think is what is wrong with me?


Perhaps i am solely disgust and fear


disgusted with all of this, everyone, this person i am supposed to be, afraid ill never exist because i am unable to coexist in this society


I am uncertain if i can ever overcome
Uncertain if i even want to
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Old 01-15-2019, 12:07 PM   #2
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Quote:
Originally Posted by elevatedsoul View Post
I am not born, im in hell, i own no feelings but imposed on me are too many feelings
All i can think is what is wrong with me?


Perhaps i am solely disgust and fear


disgusted with all of this, everyone, this person i am supposed to be, afraid ill never exist because i am unable to coexist in this society


I am uncertain if i can ever overcome
Uncertain if i even want to
I am sorry elevatedsoul that you are having a hard time. maybe some reality testing will help... for example ...

if you have never been born how is that you are here now posting?

people who have never been born dont exist and can not go online and post...

if you have no feelings how is it that you are disgusted, fear and afraid?

Disgust, fear and afraid are feelings.

if you are not able to co exist with society then how is it that your other posts mention things like family, friends, work, seeing a therapist for your borderline personality disorder, seeing your doctors who are managing your meds, living with relatives...

all these are proof that you do co exist with society.

society is things like who you live with, who is in your life and around you, what your location is, work, family, friends, and other people and things in your community and what you do...

sometimes borderline personality disorder is like this where you are confused and lonely and isolating but just keep working with your treatment providers and you will be feeling better. in the mean time when you feel like this do some reality testing like I do with all my problems...it really does help.
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Old 01-15-2019, 12:24 PM   #3
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How do you know you are real?


How do you feel as if you are everything inside of you?
When it all feels foreign? Contradictions made continuously and quite frustratingly disrupting everything, inside and out?


How would you know if you are possessed?


How could it be possible to be so many things simultaneously?



How does one find peace? Become sufficient enough for self preservation?


Sickened by the happy parts taking joy in little things, to be happy in a moment, and to be disgusted by it later as happiness is fleeting.
Where is my tangible happiness, my security, my future?


I am disturbed by the lack of assurance, assurance that i am not going to explode into trillions of particles, that i wont simply cease to exist, that none of this matters and my feelings/desires will never be manifest as i cant even unite a core being inside of this sorry body


I make myself physically ill
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Old 01-15-2019, 12:45 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by elevatedsoul View Post
How do you know you are real?


How do you feel as if you are everything inside of you?
When it all feels foreign? Contradictions made continuously and quite frustratingly disrupting everything, inside and out?


How would you know if you are possessed?


How could it be possible to be so many things simultaneously?



How does one find peace? Become sufficient enough for self preservation?


Sickened by the happy parts taking joy in little things, to be happy in a moment, and to be disgusted by it later as happiness is fleeting.
Where is my tangible happiness, my security, my future?


I am disturbed by the lack of assurance, assurance that i am not going to explode into trillions of particles, that i wont simply cease to exist, that none of this matters and my feelings/desires will never be manifest as i cant even unite a core being inside of this sorry body


I make myself physically ill
first I do reality testing example if I felt I was being possessed I know that, that is a psychotic symptom not a dissociative symptom.

(the word possession in dissociative disorders does ........not ......mean a person is possessed by spirits, ghosts and others.

it is a cultural thing that shows ownership, control sense of agency... example in my native american culture we call switching taking possession... Rainy was in possession of the body.. kind of like if you went out and bought some drugs and got caught by the police its said that you would be arrested for possession of the drugs. people with DID know when they are in possession (aware/ conscious) and their alters know when they are in possession (out doing their sense of agency) of the body.

my suggestion is check with your family to see if you are of any race or culture (native american, and a couple other race/ cultures) that uses the term possession to mean that you own the body, and own what you are doing with the body. and that you have possession like you possess a drug or money or other item.

another suggestion is talk with your treatment provider, they can check their files to see if you have ever referred to your switching into alters, doing their sense of agency and so on as possession.

I never had a problem with everything inside me feeling foreign because I became DID before the age of 5 with the first alter creation. DID isnt something that just comes on one day like a disease. a person grows up with it, its their normal. so taking a guess based on me that this problem in you may be part of your borderline personality disorder, not a diagnosis just a guess based on what you have already posted in the borderline personality board of feeling this way....

Im also beginning to wonder if maybe you posted this thread in the wrong place since everything you are posting about does happen with borderline personality disorder and you have posted there before about these things.
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Old 01-15-2019, 04:48 PM   #5
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Default Re: never present never grounded

What are you working on (either by self or in therapy) at the moment? It looks like your self analysis disturbs you and perpetuates these feelings, perhaps? Grounding is connecting yourself to the physical space within and around you rather than pursuing intellectual or philosophical questions. It could be that by pursuing these questions that have no possible answers you are actively working against yourself, if being present and grounded is what you are wanting to feel.
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Old 01-15-2019, 04:52 PM   #6
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The gusto is not bad!
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Old 01-15-2019, 06:14 PM   #7
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Ow... it hurts 😢
Im not feeling well... im all over the place with these emotions!

Its making me feel sick, nauseas ..
Be anvry saying so many things to my self.. then switching to scared... and really sad... not understanding why those feelings were .. feeling that way against these people...
Then feeling empty, content, confident, knowing i have everything in order and all thats needed is just a little more patience.. as the important major changes that will establish my life in this society are very near.. within weeks...


I just want to feel whole 😭
Make all these thoughts come together and focus on the goal...

But i dont / cant seem to be in control... its sudden.. and im wanting to cry now because i cant control it... and i feel like a monster! Feel alien.. not real... i just want all this be over!


It hirts... i feel so much pain inside...



What if i fail? If i cant be successful with this program for job training and school to become a real stable adult that can live alone taking care of everything?

Oh the peace that would bring, the quietness of ones own personal safe home!



But i failed so many times last year... though i made much progress and grew much


im afraid...


My minds wont be quiet, i WANT THIS SO BAD! TO GET AWAY FROM THESE CRAZY PEOPLE!

My future and possibility of a life depend on this


i dont have support from family as i am so complex and confusing to everyone... they dont understans what i going through...
I accidentally got discharged from my clinic because i forgot my case manager... and then got the letter in the mail while waiting for the psych app...


Not in therapy now...



Im so stressed out.. trying so hard.. hard to remember things... to stay focused....

Feeling like im falling way apart..



Im not going to hurt myself, i am safe...
I am just feeling so much pain...
And its pushing me out..
And im trying really so hard to do all of thos on my own...
But it happens that i shut down... i lose it.. drowning... and miss oppurtunities succumbing to this illness...





I dont want to do this anymore... i want to go home... but i have no home 😭
Gee......
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Old 01-15-2019, 06:18 PM   #8
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Im sorry
i never let these thoughts out

never talk about feelings
When i do, it comes out like this. I make no sense
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Old 01-16-2019, 10:20 PM   #9
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let the robot out. Emotion free, methodical, logical, not bothered by feelings and emotions, life becomes simple. let it free
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Old 01-17-2019, 08:28 PM   #10
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Im Money hungry 🤔


Hummm... using the term possesion i meant as if something else steps up to the front, outside world, while the rest of the energy is detoured.

I contemplate that from time to time as im not in agreement with some of myself, or actions, desires, or feelings(?)Sometimes.

But i go on some how a lot of times not aware of the change, until i sort of snap back and have a 'moment' becoming aware and changing back.. its bad during a lot of stress, and often triggers a depression as i dont want to live like that..



I don't know what seemingly version of me is me any more? So, i used the term foreign.. feeling separated and unrecognizeable?



The 1 thing i do know, is the version i am trying to create!

Rich and stable! Money, cars, house, friends, happiness, no drama, no drug abuse!


As it stands, i have no money, no car (again), no job (again), no friends, my family is ****ed so cant even talk to them, dont even seem to have myself.
But i can create, and creation i will
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