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Old 12-09-2018, 03:20 PM   #11
cavaliers
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My Mood: Sister visiting soon--Trigger city!

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Default Re: Sister visiting soon--Trigger city!

However...my status as having DID or at least having named parts became apparent while in EMDR examining the trigger of hating being left out of things, specifically being not invited to things, especially being the only one....SCREAM![/QUOTE

How rude, inconsiderate, & 28 other not as nice words!!

As a performance dog competition trainer, I learned a concept called dumb handler. When you want dog to figure out what the right thing to do is, handler pretends not to understand wrong behavior. If your sister were the dog, you the handler/mom would tell your daughter how much you are looking forward to girls night. Get dressed and prepare to go. Give your sister the opportunity to chose the right behavior

Congratulations on raising such a successful, intelligent daughter.
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Old 12-20-2018, 04:50 PM   #12
Laurel1562
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Alright, here's how it turned out.

First I took Betty Banana's suggestion and had a movie night with treats. My hubby and youngest daughter and I watched a movie they swear I watched with them years ago and of which I have absolutely no recall. I used to think they remembered wrong, but now that I know I have DID, I no longer trust my memory. Watching it, none of it seemed familiar (although during one scene I started to dissociate--felt fuzzy headed--and got an instant headache). I asked them again if they were sure I had watched it and they said 100%. I asked what about 200% sure? And they both said yes. My husband even remembers us laughing about Robert DeNiro's character (we watched Stardust). So we had a lot of fun, but to be confronted with another instance of amnesia, was a bit of a bummer.

As for the rest, here is a total rant about it. Please forgive its length.

So…this is what happened:

It was as bad as I had feared. My sister rubbed it in my face all they were going to do and still did not invite me. She also claimed at the celebration dinner for my daughter that she had “invited” our older sister to the graduation event. Poor Amara felt bad that she was so bad at inviting. And then when I said that I had talked to my older sister about it, my sister and my niece made snooty faces at each other, apparently mocking me. Good thing I had appealed to my “crew” to not act out at the dinner for my daughter’s sake or it could have gone pretty terribly. Although, it would have felt satisfying to see Jimmy (super angry protector alter) to let loose on her! Oh yeah. But not good for my daughter’s celebration. 😉

Now my husband had advised us to let my sister know after the girl’s night out how I felt that I wasn’t included. I didn’t want to say anything in advance because if she changed her mind we would feel we were there because we complained and not because we were wanted. Here are the texts from the day after the girl’s night out.

Me: Hey sis, I love you so much. I need to share something with you. In the process of my therapy we had begun using EMDR to deal with certain triggers. We were dealing with the trigger of how hard it is for me to be excluded from things and this is when I learned I had parts. That being said, I want you to know, and I emphasize that you did not do anything wrong, that I was hurt and triggered when I wasn't invited to girl's night out with you, Caitlin and Amara. I repeat, you didn't do anything wrong. When you said you had invited Kris to the graduation and to stay with you at your hotel, I assumed she would have been included in the girl's night out with you as well. So I felt hurt again, excluded and worthless. This is so hard to share. I think all of our Mother's children hate being excluded because of how she rejected us and made us feel like worthless pieces of ****. Right? So you are not responsible for how I feel when I was triggered. I am responsible for my feelings and they will remain a focus in my therapy. I love you so much and because I know you love me and have been in the same position I have been in and can identify with my emotions, I felt it was safe to share mine with you. You are very important to me and always will be. I love you. 💓
[Needless to say I lied when I wrote she hadn’t done anything wrong, because we felt she had! Teehee]

Her: No I did not it was girl time for Caiti [my niece, btw] and Amara that's why we stayed Saturday we originally we're leaving Saturday [A week or so before she came out, she told me on the phone about the girl’s night out and told me I had done a good job with Amara. It seems she went out of the way to tell me all they would be doing, all the while making it clear I was not going to be included. Also, if it was Caiti and Amara time, why was she there? She failed to see that as inconsistent!]

Me: I'm confused. What do you mean by you did not?

Her: Caiti wanted to stay to spend Saturday with Amara we asked Krissy if she was coming if she was she could stay at the hotel had nothing to do with Caiti and Amara time [Total lie. She clearly said at the dinner to my daughter that she had invited my other sister. She said it in such a way as to imply no one else had invited Kris so she had to. My daughter even apologized in so many words claiming she was so “bad” at not inviting people to her graduation. Score another for my sister. I wanted to smack her. I was quite hurt and Sandi and Suzy were triggered. Luckily my husband noticed and comforted us.]

Me: I'm confused, still. Are you saying you did not participate in the Caiti and Amara activities? I would have loved to spend more time with you. 🤗

[At this point she called me and repeatedly told me it was not all about me, had nothing to do with me, but was all about my daughter who just got her master’s degree and didn’t feel like she accomplished anything and felt like she was a piece of ****. She also said my daughter doesn’t feel like I appreciate her (in so many words). So I am left with the impression that I neglect my daughter but that she and her daughter are the ones able to make her feel special. She did throw in a “I’m sorry you feel left out,” or something to that effect, but the major tenor of the phone rant was that it was not about me. So I am left with the impression that I am a narcissistic, neglectful mother, unlike her and her daughter. And she left completely unaddressed the idea that we both know that my other sister had she shown up would have been included in the girl’s night out. Oh, yeah and she hung up on us.]

When the call was over, my littles were triggered and our hands were shaking and we were completely freaking out. We believed what she said and we felt so bad. We felt we were bad, very bad, so we texted her back.

Me: I'm sorry I yelled at you. I love you. I had no idea Amara felt that way.

Me: Thank you for helping her feel special. 💓

Her: I love you too

Me: I have so much to learn from you. Thank you for being such a good sister. I wish I was a better sister to you. You deserve it. [I would barf here, but little Sandi means well when she inspires my words.]

Her: No we are family I love you


A few hours after the call I realized my sister had gaslighted me, trying to reframe what had happened over the weekend and somehow making it all my fault that I was hurt. I have to give her this: she is masterful. I had used I statements to share a trigger which I did not blame her for and I am left with the impression that she and her daughter care more about my daughter than I do. She does this not just to me but to my other siblings also implying special bonds with their children which contradicts what their parents say about their own children. She needs to be seen as the rescuer, caretaker, and if anything is wrong it is with you and never her.

She is the kind of person who when you are the focus of attention is pretty amazing. She makes you feel really good, but if you are not her special focus, you might as well not exist.

Well, I gave her what she wanted. I ended up apologizing and then worshipping at her altar. OMG!. I really think she is unable to feel empathy. She is unable to see that although she was there to make my daughter feel special she proceeded to send me the message that I wasn’t. Including me in the events with my daughter does nothing to take away her specialness. The more the merrier, right?

I think she is not able to show caring to more than 1 or 2 people at a time. Anyhow, after this I conclude 100% that she is not safe. I was wishing she was, but as past experience has shown, she is not.

Now, my sister did send me a text apologizing for being “ugly.” And after my older (and safer, kinder) sister talked with her, she did call me and apologize for hurting my feelings. That may sound nice and to some degree it was, but she didn’t really grasp how it hurt me and she will continue to engage in excluding behavior in the future. My alter Sandi, who is 7, trusts so easily and forgives so quickly, will be hurt again and again by my sister. We need to learn how to set good boundaries with my sister to minimize our hurt yet still leave the door open for an improved relationship with her in the future.

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Old 12-22-2018, 03:39 PM   #13
Betty_Banana
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My Mood: Sister visiting soon--Trigger city!

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Default Re: Sister visiting soon--Trigger city!

It sounds like your sister is unlikely to change the way she is and does things.It might be best to just accept that she is who and how she is and limit your contact with her.

It's sad though to have to do that but sometimes we have to put ourselves first.
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