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Old 11-27-2018, 08:21 AM   #1
elevatedsoul
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I have removed myself from the toxic environment of my parents for some months now (not sure how many...) and been staying with my cousin which is a much better place support and understanding wise.
But even though i am expanding or growing some things seem to be getting worse.. unless im just becoming more aware


I am having issues with falling into a scared, hurt, paranoidish type perspective which is embarrassing as they dont know how to handle me... and i dont like/want to hurt or upset them because they are being so kind to me and supportive..


Im trying to figure out how i can be more in control of pulling myself out of these triggered states instead of seeming to need to be unlocked by my cousin...

Its like if i can prove or show myself that everything is ok and that i can trust them and that they dont hate me or mad at me, then it goes away... but when im in that perspective its near impossible to do by myself.


But my cousin can sit with me and defuse it easily... but its draining for her and stressing our friendship and i dont want it to happen anymore because i love her so much for everything she has helped me with so far and dont want my fragments to ruin the first person i have truly trusted in this world..


What am i to do?
Has anyone else experience with something like this?


I litterally ran away like 3 times in the passed 2 weeks because i was frozen inside unable to change back to normal self even though i tried continuosly to challenge the irrationality of the held beliefs at that moment..


I hate being scared and i love the feelings my new family give me 😶
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Old 11-27-2018, 08:38 AM   #2
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Many of my issues seemed to get worse when I'd moved out of my dad's the first time. Some things improved, like I was happier. All in all my anxiety got worse. It was like my fear increased with safety because I wasn't accustomed to being safe like that.

I'm not sure if this is the same thing as what you're dealing with. If it is, I'm not sure why it happens. I guess I wrote this to try and help you feel less alone. When I was going through that, my support at the time had to be patient with me. It can take some time.
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Old 11-27-2018, 09:27 AM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by elevatedsoul View Post
I have removed myself from the toxic environment of my parents for some months now (not sure how many...) and been staying with my cousin which is a much better place support and understanding wise.
But even though i am expanding or growing some things seem to be getting worse.. unless im just becoming more aware


I am having issues with falling into a scared, hurt, paranoidish type perspective which is embarrassing as they dont know how to handle me... and i dont like/want to hurt or upset them because they are being so kind to me and supportive..


Im trying to figure out how i can be more in control of pulling myself out of these triggered states instead of seeming to need to be unlocked by my cousin...

Its like if i can prove or show myself that everything is ok and that i can trust them and that they dont hate me or mad at me, then it goes away... but when im in that perspective its near impossible to do by myself.


But my cousin can sit with me and defuse it easily... but its draining for her and stressing our friendship and i dont want it to happen anymore because i love her so much for everything she has helped me with so far and dont want my fragments to ruin the first person i have truly trusted in this world..


What am i to do?
Has anyone else experience with something like this?


I litterally ran away like 3 times in the passed 2 weeks because i was frozen inside unable to change back to normal self even though i tried continuosly to challenge the irrationality of the held beliefs at that moment..


I hate being scared and i love the feelings my new family give me 😶
going catatonic (in your words being frozen and needing others to unlock you) is one of my psychotic symptoms with some of my other mental and physical earth problems not related to my having dissociative disorders. my paranoid problems are also not related to my dissociative disorders.

the way my treatment providers tell the difference is because with dissociative disorders reality testing remains intact... example if Im paranoid thats not being in reality as in people really are not out to get me, out to cause me problems. if Im catatonic Im out of touch with reality, just frozen, not able to function vs my dissociative problems Im still functioning just ..........feel....... just a little bit off.

another difference with me is that it requires medication to help with my catatonic and paranoid problems and grounding, like breathing and relaxing helps my dissociative problems.

my suggestion is talk with your treatment providers, they will be able to diagnose why you are paranoid and catatonic and get you treated for it so that it doesnt keep happening to you.

what has made it possible for me to unlock myself is medication. it took a while to get the right one that works for me.
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Old 11-27-2018, 10:39 AM   #4
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((((elevatedsoul)))) I'm so sorry you're struggling. I agree it will probably take time. You've just run off from an abusive environment, so you need time to adjust to this new situation. Do your best, and hopefully your cousin will be patient with him. You can try to remind him that you really care about him and that you're grateful for what he's doing for you. Many hugs

Last edited by MickeyCheeky; 11-27-2018 at 01:34 PM..
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Old 11-27-2018, 02:10 PM   #5
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First this is easier said than done!!! We were told to check physical needs first. Is that *scared* cold, hungry, thirsty, tired, lonely, etc. Not to ask what's wrong initially. Then what else can do...shower, listen to music, coloring book, go
for walk, eat healthy food, sing. Then later when things quiet down ask what happened. My reaction has always been to want to find out what's wrong & fix it. But have found out M&Ms can be magic!
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Old 11-28-2018, 12:04 AM   #6
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Im good now and hoping to keep it that way atleast pertaining to my feelings about being here in a new home


my dad keeps telling me that i dont have to stay here and that i can come back there but what he doesnt understand is the toxicity involved with me being there


By frozen i mean i get stuck on a train of thought or perception that i am a problem and making everything harder for the nice people here.. such as my depression anxiety and in and out of work due to being in triggered /depressed modes.
Paranoid in thinking they want me to leave but dont because i have no where to go and that they dont say things to me in fear of what ill do..


I still try to help and do chores when like this but isolate and seclude myself if possible..
So its not a catatonic state but like being trapped inside wanting to scream out that im not ok and need help and afraid but too afraid to speak about any of it even though they seem to notice and ask if im ok


and i also try hard to talk myself down from that place.. trying to rationalize and think constantly about how im just over reacting and that they just want to help but i dont let them..?


I dunno if that makes the experience clearer, its just all so compartmentalized?

I dont know how i could feel like that right now for example, because it doesnt make sense and i know they want the best for me and love me .. so i dunno why i fall into places like that
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Old 11-28-2018, 10:50 AM   #7
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It sounds like you're being triggered and experiencing symptoms because of that.

I don't have a dissociative disorder anymore but I do still get triggered and have PTSD symptoms much like you describe.Sometimes I feel like an idiot afterwards because of my reactions and behavior.It happened just a couple of days ago as a matter if fact and I had a meltdown.

Are you working with a therapist to learn ways to deal with it?

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Old 12-07-2018, 02:24 PM   #8
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Im sending hugs
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