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Old 11-08-2017, 11:10 AM   #1
elevatedsoul
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i went out trying to relax and blow some steam off thinking that being around some other people and having some fun would make me feel better and it kind of backfired... bad...

i was dissociating a great deal.. and didnt know what to do...
didnt know how to tell anyone around me or how to react...
i was gone for like 5 days and it just got worse because i didnt have my meds i think... plus getting high and not sleeping very much..


i tried to fight it really hard and stay grounded but i couldn't... and i think they started talking about me, cross talking like right in front of me because i was getting so dissociated i couldnt really realize what was going on or respond it was making it worse... making me paranoid... thinking that everyone was thinking bad about me or thinking i was crazy or something... like they were planning to do something to me and i couldnt relax...
couldn't focus... had voices inside my mind that were odd... mixing with outside conversations and the outside conversations not making alot of sense and being really confused like i wasn't able to process the information...

it felt like my mind divided greatly or walls went up...

was triggered bad by something that happened while gone, and then having another thing happen and then i think expecting something else or not sure what was going on...

so confused... now i think they are going to think that i am insane or have multiple personalities and i dont really even know what happened... just really hoping that i didnt black out because i haven't been able to get a clear answer out of anyone yet... they are like gangsters you know so its not easy to be out with them i guess...


i screwed up so bad... but its not my fault... i couldn't do anything to control it, i tried to make it stop and i feel so ****** about it...
i wanted to behave so differently but i couldnt do anything... visual distortions and everyting was ruining my ability to function...


think maybe i became psychotic even... im just scared that maybe i do have multiple personalities and now all of them know and i dont even know about it yet...

its all so blurry and i know they had to been talking about me but i was so dissociative i couldn't focus...

i just feel like i remember hearing them talk about my eyes and that they were darting back and forth...

feel like they took pictures of me and laughed at me...

feel so ******... i tried to lock in on a strong point of who i am but everything was so melted... i was so... disoriented... i dont know what to do... how am i going to fix this?


i cant have them thinking that i am weak... i feel so pathetic...
i couldn't even **** a girl because my mind was splitting so bad...
i think a few girls even were all over me but i dont really remember... i just kind of feel like at some point that was happening and they were trying to get me laid or something... but maybe i was hallucinating that...

i dont know what happened... i cant do this, how am i supposed to do this... how do you do this...?
i ****ing hate this... i am sick of it controlling me... sick of not being a person...

****ing sick of this ****... and its getting worse... like i try harder, i am better, but when its bad, its really bad... i just wish i did not forget my meds... maybe things would of been different... maybe i wouldn't of freaked out so bad... maybe i would of found a lover or new love... now i just made myself look ****ing insane and think that everyone wants nothing to do with me now...

im sick of this... makes me wish i was dead... because how can i make this better...
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Old 11-08-2017, 02:42 PM   #2
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im just so confused as to what happened...

ive never had it happen like that before... i know i was high and it probably didnt help...

i just was not able to be here... function... respond...
lost control...

i have a big mess to clean up...
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Old 11-08-2017, 05:28 PM   #3
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Hi. I don't much about your situation, so I'm sorry if I say the wrong thing.

Do you have a therapist you can talk this through with?

Is it possible someone got you to take some drugs that have caused this?

Don't worry too much about what people think. They'll almost certainly assume you'd taken something recreational.
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Old 11-08-2017, 06:12 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by Purple,Violet,Blue View Post
Hi. I don't much about your situation, so I'm sorry if I say the wrong thing.

Do you have a therapist you can talk this through with?

Is it possible someone got you to take some drugs that have caused this?

Don't worry too much about what people think. They'll almost certainly assume you'd taken something recreational.
I was taking same thing everyone else was as far as i know...

Left and forgot my medicine, effexor and topamax, so went 5 days without that.. and bein high and triggered because of something that happened and someone special that accidentally ended up there i haven't seen since i was a kid...

I did meth, weed, and might of some opiate but im not sure... they might of drugged me without tellin me what was in it..

I was having alot of visual distortions...
Like being in a tunnel.. not really able to see... like seeing through multiple eyes... different parts looking different like a mosaic... hearing was not processing..

I am seeing new therapist on the 10...

But im scared because i stopped thinking i had D.I.D. and thought it just borderline personality stuff... but this experience really scares me and i think i ****ed up my reputation...

I just froze or became this part that was terrified to be involved but i was there just not awake or able to do anything because i wasn't understanding or under control...

I was triggered when i saw the girl get assaulted.. havnt felt like that in so long...
My mind went in so many ways because of the situation... and im still trying to put it back...

I felt like i wanted to push out the good parts of my personality.. the strong and fun parts..
But they were all shut down or something... all that was present was ****ed up individual that didnt know what the hell was going on.. or what to do...

I shoulda been able to do something but i was doung all i could to keep from blacking out or passing out ...

I am lucky to have made it home without getting shot or beat the **** out of i think... but maybe just as bad... maybe now no one wants anything to do with me
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Old 11-08-2017, 06:43 PM   #5
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im trying to put the days together but i cant...


its like i became in a trance... or hypnotized..
withdrawing from the medication probably didnt help... and i think freaking out and being paranoid about what they were thinking about me made it really bad...

i may have been raped even and i wouldnt of known it...

i just hate myself so much right now... trying not to have suicidal thoughts because i just want to be happy and not have these problems... i dont wanna kill myself... but i dont know how to make it go away... and i feel like no one understands and no one will help or anything and im all alone and no one is ever gonna be by myside with this what ever it is... and i just cant take it anymore...
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Old 11-08-2017, 07:39 PM   #6
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I am lucky to have made it home without getting shot or beat the **** out of i think... but maybe just as bad... maybe now no one wants anything to do with me
I am seriously worried for your safety, not just because of the obvious danger you put yourself in, but mostly because you worry about what they think of you. You want them to like you but these people do not sound like they care about you, respect you, or want you to be safe. I hope that you choose not to have any more contact with them because I want you to be safe.
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Old 11-08-2017, 08:34 PM   #7
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likely not taking meds for five days caused some kind of withdrawal reaction which affected the chemicals in your head. then combined with the different drugs you did and lack of sleep, it probably created a huge storm in your head and made things out of control like that.

it might be best to stay away from situations like that in the future if you know people are using drugs and you aren't that stable to begin with. i have done that before and know the outcome is never anything good.

if you are concerned about a dissociative disorder, also stay away from things like weed and, really, any drug, because a lot of them can cause that type of reaction in general. that is what people seek when using drugs, to detach, dissociate, etc. in various ways. also, it would be hard to get a proper diagnosis if you are using drugs and/or alcohol because it doesn't give an accurate picture of your symptoms and can mask things or look like things that might not be correct.
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Old 11-09-2017, 06:27 AM   #8
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You're not alone. The people here understand. Please don't think about hurting yourself.

I agree that these people don't sound cool. What kind of friend would let you get raped? In the future, honestly, think about finding a different crowd, where doing drugs isn't compulsory.

You're overestimating the need to be embarrassed by the way you acted. You were out of it. A bad trip. From their point of view, they won't know what caused it, too many factors involved.

Take care.
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Old 11-09-2017, 08:28 AM   #9
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Well.. they kind of are family..

I just am having a hard time dealing with it...

It disturbed me not to be in control and to have so many things happening inside my mind...

Now they know that its bad probably and i put alot of energy into trying to hide whatever is wrong with me...

But im just not able to shake that D.I.D. feeling, paranoia, that maybe i do have it... i was in conflict and it was causing like freezing... not able to go one way because too many ways trying to be all going and fighting for dominance..

Ending up looking like an empty shell of a person going through some kind of system reboot or internal distress about which way to be... like i know i act different all the time but i couldnt do anything ... was frozen... hypnotized.. in a trance.. something.. with a lot going on inside the mind..

Telling me to do this
Say this, dont do this, ect and that the other people were talking about me.. but i just feel confused because i dont know what really happened like what was maybe just in my head and what was real...

I fought so hard to stay awake because i was scared that if i didnt something else would take over again and i might would of ended up in jail..

Im also scared of what i may have said while asleep because i talk in sleep pretty bad when my mind gets bad...

I just dont know what to do because i had convinced myself theres no way i have d i d... now i just dont know again... i just dont feel right...
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Old 11-09-2017, 08:33 AM   #10
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elevatedsoul,

My son is on effexor and his withdrawals begin after missing his first dose,so I can't imagine the shape he would be in if he didn't take it for 5 days.

What you have written here sounds like a combination of withdrawals and then the meth,etc that you did,it sounds nothing like DID or even dissociation to me(I'm no doctor though).Becoming "psychotic",eyes darting back and forth,etc is why I say that,those aren't really symptoms of DID or dissociation but they can be symptoms of withdrawal or being really messed up on drugs.

I don't think you should worry about what anyone thought of you.I'm sure they were just thinking "lol,man he was really wasted" I'm sure there's probably been times you have laughed about someone who,at a party,gathering,whatever,was super wasted and acted bizarre.I know I have.And if they did take pictures and laugh,well that's usually what people that are partying together do,especially when there's always that one person in a group that gets overly wasted.

Don't beat yourself up over it.Just be careful,take your meds and stay away from hard drugs so it doesn't happen again.
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