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Unread 10-12-2017, 11:18 AM   #1
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psych appointment today... following up for discharge from hospital...

going through a lot not just for myself... but family problems too...
all the time as usual...

i was doing ok past couple days keeping spirits up with not only myself but with brother that leaving his girlfriend and staying with us and his kids staying with us too

but now its like that reality is weird and i feel so disconnected and i just dont wanna be here anymore...

its like shifting from many realities... i just feel so drugged up like some one gave me something and i dont know who i am... i dont know where i am...
i dont understand whats going on... why do i have so little control over this...

i am not on drugs... i am sober...

it makes me want to get ****ed up and say **** it all because i hate going through all of this... people not understanding... thinking im a fraud... because i can be really good sometimes and really helping others out like i like to do and then all of a sudden be like this...

i dont know what happened, i dont remember the past very much... i just know that i have been trying really hard to keep my brother in the right state of mind and keep from going back to a stupid *****... dealing with the kids having to give up my space and dealing with lots of noise and... i dunno... whats it matter because i was suffering even before they were here so dont see what the difference is..

just sucks because i was just released from the hospital and into all of this... but i knew it was all coming...

just wish i wasnt so dizzy... so foggy... so out of it...

i want to dissapear... i cant stand being like this... want to just be like the other person happy and helping all the time...

i dont know if i am going to be able to talk and get everything i needed to say across at the appointment today... seems to always happen at my appointments... and watch... ill probably go in and they will say something like "you look good today!" and ill feel confused and end up coming out as everything is fine un able to speak... but having something else inside of me speak as everything is ok and the way things were when i was ok for those couple of days when i was ok and forgetting about the 99% of the time when i am not ok...
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Unread 10-12-2017, 12:18 PM   #2
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Maybe you could write everything down before your appointment then just read it out loud or hand it to them to read?

Before you say you'll probably forget....write it down 3 or 4 or more different times.If you have pockets stick a copy in each one.If no pockets then roll a couple up and stick one behind each ear,one in your pants,one in your hand.Sounds silly but whatever it takes,right?
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Unread 10-12-2017, 12:52 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by elevatedsoul View Post
psych appointment today... following up for discharge from hospital...

going through a lot not just for myself... but family problems too...
all the time as usual...

i was doing ok past couple days keeping spirits up with not only myself but with brother that leaving his girlfriend and staying with us and his kids staying with us too

but now its like that reality is weird and i feel so disconnected and i just dont wanna be here anymore...

its like shifting from many realities... i just feel so drugged up like some one gave me something and i dont know who i am... i dont know where i am...
i dont understand whats going on... why do i have so little control over this...

i am not on drugs... i am sober...

it makes me want to get ****ed up and say **** it all because i hate going through all of this... people not understanding... thinking im a fraud... because i can be really good sometimes and really helping others out like i like to do and then all of a sudden be like this...

i dont know what happened, i dont remember the past very much... i just know that i have been trying really hard to keep my brother in the right state of mind and keep from going back to a stupid *****... dealing with the kids having to give up my space and dealing with lots of noise and... i dunno... whats it matter because i was suffering even before they were here so dont see what the difference is..

just sucks because i was just released from the hospital and into all of this... but i knew it was all coming...

just wish i wasnt so dizzy... so foggy... so out of it...

i want to dissapear... i cant stand being like this... want to just be like the other person happy and helping all the time...

i dont know if i am going to be able to talk and get everything i needed to say across at the appointment today... seems to always happen at my appointments... and watch... ill probably go in and they will say something like "you look good today!" and ill feel confused and end up coming out as everything is fine un able to speak... but having something else inside of me speak as everything is ok and the way things were when i was ok for those couple of days when i was ok and forgetting about the 99% of the time when i am not ok...
Im with Rubyrae if you think you wont remember what to talk with your treatment provider write it down. heres an idea you seem to not have any problems remembering what to talk about here on psych central, maybe print off your posts so that they can see what you are going through.

you mention you just got out of the hospital. in another post where you let us know you got discharged and you were feeling better and had lots of work to do, and that they changed your meds. maybe let them know you are slipping back into your problems again, maybe the meds they changed you to need a bit of adjusting, maybe you and your therapist can figure out what the difference is between when you got discharged you felt good and ready to be discharged and what ever is going on now that was not when you were feeling good enough to be discharged.

not sure if this makes any sense but sometimes I feel ok to be discharged and then afterwards I go downwards. my treatment providers and I discovered it wasnt the therapists fault, that it was because while in the hospitals someone else was doing all the work of taking care of me, then when I got out it was where I had to take care of me, stop living in the victim roll of everyone needed to do this and that for me.

back then what happened to solve this problem for my therapist and I, was that instead of releasing me to go home, they released me to a live away from home program (residential treatment program) that taught me how to stay stable and not go downhill after being released, how to take care of myself. No be so dependent on the therapist fixing things.

reason Im telling you all this is because maybe thats an option for you. instead of living at home (where you have posted you dont want to be anyway) go into a residential program where you live at the program housing and they work with you for months not a week or two like inpatient.

its not like hospitals, its the next step down from a hospital. this way you wont have the stress of your family at the same time as continuing your treatment program and working this closely with you they will be able to see all these problems you are having and help you with them, Just an idea that helped me years ago.

Last edited by amandalouise; 10-12-2017 at 02:27 PM. Reason: hopefully made my post more easy to read by completing sentences and breaking up the long paragraph.
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Unread 10-12-2017, 08:59 PM   #4
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i dont quite understand what you mean by i remember what to talk about here on psych central amanda... i just talk whats in my mind in this moment...

i do the same with them but its easier here because i can pause and really contemplate what im writing and thinking or where im going in thought and feelings you know..?

when i am with them i am trying to do the same thing but its really hard to focus and i feel so spaced out and unable to recall my plans or feelings and really what im feeling or have been feeling or what i have been going through and its really complicated... like amnesia... and i just feel like a completely different person.. and i really get frustrated but i dont like to show frustration which makes it worse because i feel like if i show frustration it will cause the other person to become uneasy and cause confrontation which i cant deal with and cause more problems which i think all just increases the dissociative symptoms... its a terrible cycle i am trying to learn and understand to try to combat and get better...

i didnt write anything down and ended up going in and talking to them telling them that i felt really disconnected and dissociated and telling them that the past couple days i thought i was doing well keeping spirits up and trying to help everyone and make everyone feel good and i was feeling good and all and something happened to me and just out of the blue i became like this...

i talked to them about my goals and how i am just trying to stay focused on what i want to do in life and how i just want to get out of here and make a life for myself... to have a life...

i told them that i think the medicines are working as well as to be expected and that i dont want any more medicines...

they arranged to have me reffered to a therapist there and i should be hearing from her in 2 weeks or so if i can get in with her which i should be able to...

going to try to have a tour of the day program weds next week as long as everything goes as planned... and the people at the program can take me to appointments so that will help with my transportation problems..

asked her about driving lessons for people with ptsd problems so that i can work on getting that in order and learn to drive safely so that i can drive myself instead of having to rely on others... because i need to be able to drive... im just scared...
i cant drive like this... its really bad... she said she would look into it for me...

my mind is just really messed up and im really confused about it all and dont understand it.. i feel like im alone with it and like it is really wrong and like no one else really experiences things like this and like i must have some freak illness because it really messes my life up and no one seems to believe me because i appear to be normal and fine to everyone some how... im so sick of it...

im so tired of my memory problems... i just cant take it anymore... i cant keep going like this... i hope this therapist can help... i hope i can see her... i just dont know how im going to have transportation if i cant get into the day program and have them take me to the appointments... because i cant keep relying on my dad... he makes me feel so ****ed up having him take me to my appointments... im just trying to get help and he just doesnt understand... everyone thinks im just trying to get disability check and use the government for the money but i dont even ****ing care about that i just want a god damn life...

who the **** am i? i dont even know what a life is... im 27 years old and i dont even know what the hell is going on... im so alone... im so tired of being so alone...


its not fair... i just want to disappear... please make it stop...

im sorry to complain...
i dunno why i am feeling like this... i dont want to be here right now...
feeling really overwhelmed... life is so hard...
i dont want to kill myself though... i just want a chance...
a chance to be some body... i dont like feeling like this...

i dont feel like any body... i dont know who i am...
i am no body... i am a no body...
i have no identity... i have nothing...
i have a name... a social security number...
but i have no sustenance... i feel so empty...
void... i am a black hole... i suck up everyones energy and live off of everyone elses happiness... i make other people happy so that i can be happy...
because i am nothing... nothing matters... it feels like nothing will ever matter... like i can never be fixed... like no one will ever understand...

i've tried to explain for so long... i've studied so much trying to learn...
but it doesnt seem to matter how much i learn or know...

i should just shut up... im sorry...
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Unread 10-12-2017, 09:08 PM   #5
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is it possible that i have experienced ego death
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Unread 10-12-2017, 09:45 PM   #6
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ive read some things about personality development in children...

that there are stages in the development...

im thinking that i never finished the stages... or maybe never started them...

as my child hood was not good...

i was never able to develop a real solid personality...

i was always having to play different roles in my my child hood...

to my mother... also my siblings... against my siblings... and my parents...

against the world...

i am just an undeveloped person... i dont know what i am... i am a monster...

i want to get high... i cant handle this... these thoughts... these feelings...
being alone... i feel sick...

i cant think... i have a thought... and another thought comes through and is like no thats not the right thought and is just makes me not feel right... like how can i think opposite things at the same time... i cant handle this...
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Unread 10-12-2017, 11:22 PM   #7
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https://mental-health-matters.com/bo...tion-who-am-i/
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Unread 10-12-2017, 11:29 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by elevatedsoul View Post
i dont quite understand what you mean by i remember what to talk about here on psych central amanda... i just talk whats in my mind in this moment...

i do the same with them but its easier here because i can pause and really contemplate what im writing and thinking or where im going in thought and feelings you know..?

when i am with them i am trying to do the same thing but its really hard to focus and i feel so spaced out and unable to recall my plans or feelings and really what im feeling or have been feeling or what i have been going through and its really complicated... like amnesia... and i just feel like a completely different person.. and i really get frustrated but i dont like to show frustration which makes it worse because i feel like if i show frustration it will cause the other person to become uneasy and cause confrontation which i cant deal with and cause more problems which i think all just increases the dissociative symptoms... its a terrible cycle i am trying to learn and understand to try to combat and get better...

i didnt write anything down and ended up going in and talking to them telling them that i felt really disconnected and dissociated and telling them that the past couple days i thought i was doing well keeping spirits up and trying to help everyone and make everyone feel good and i was feeling good and all and something happened to me and just out of the blue i became like this...

i talked to them about my goals and how i am just trying to stay focused on what i want to do in life and how i just want to get out of here and make a life for myself... to have a life...

i told them that i think the medicines are working as well as to be expected and that i dont want any more medicines...

they arranged to have me reffered to a therapist there and i should be hearing from her in 2 weeks or so if i can get in with her which i should be able to...

going to try to have a tour of the day program weds next week as long as everything goes as planned... and the people at the program can take me to appointments so that will help with my transportation problems..

asked her about driving lessons for people with ptsd problems so that i can work on getting that in order and learn to drive safely so that i can drive myself instead of having to rely on others... because i need to be able to drive... im just scared...
i cant drive like this... its really bad... she said she would look into it for me...

my mind is just really messed up and im really confused about it all and dont understand it.. i feel like im alone with it and like it is really wrong and like no one else really experiences things like this and like i must have some freak illness because it really messes my life up and no one seems to believe me because i appear to be normal and fine to everyone some how... im so sick of it...

im so tired of my memory problems... i just cant take it anymore... i cant keep going like this... i hope this therapist can help... i hope i can see her... i just dont know how im going to have transportation if i cant get into the day program and have them take me to the appointments... because i cant keep relying on my dad... he makes me feel so ****ed up having him take me to my appointments... im just trying to get help and he just doesnt understand... everyone thinks im just trying to get disability check and use the government for the money but i dont even ****ing care about that i just want a god damn life...

who the **** am i? i dont even know what a life is... im 27 years old and i dont even know what the hell is going on... im so alone... im so tired of being so alone...


its not fair... i just want to disappear... please make it stop...

im sorry to complain...
i dunno why i am feeling like this... i dont want to be here right now...
feeling really overwhelmed... life is so hard...
i dont want to kill myself though... i just want a chance...
a chance to be some body... i dont like feeling like this...

i dont feel like any body... i dont know who i am...
i am no body... i am a no body...
i have no identity... i have nothing...
i have a name... a social security number...
but i have no sustenance... i feel so empty...
void... i am a black hole... i suck up everyones energy and live off of everyone elses happiness... i make other people happy so that i can be happy...
because i am nothing... nothing matters... it feels like nothing will ever matter... like i can never be fixed... like no one will ever understand...

i've tried to explain for so long... i've studied so much trying to learn...
but it doesnt seem to matter how much i learn or know...

i should just shut up... im sorry...
Quote:
Originally Posted by elevatedsoul View Post
i dont quite understand what you mean by i remember what to talk about here on psych central amanda...
by that I mean in your posts I notice you talking in the past tense

example in your recent post tonight that I just read you said

"ive read some things about personality development in children.." and you went into great deal what you have read.

you didnt say

"I am right now reading this article about personality development in children..."

you were remembering and then writing about what you remember.

see the difference.... you dont have a problem with remembering what you want to write to us here on psych central. if you didnt remember reading about personality development in children you would not be able to post to us about it.

in all your posts I noticed you do remember things and tell us about things you remember doing , saying , reading that kind of thing...

I thought maybe since you can remember to post about things here maybe printing off what you write here and giving it to your therapist will help.
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Unread 10-13-2017, 02:39 AM   #9
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Well, if it’s any comfort, I don’t think you’re a fraud.
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Unread 10-13-2017, 11:27 AM   #10
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sorry about last night.. yesterday was really triggering day for me apparently

im still feeling not so right.. i just woke up.. but im going to relax and hopefully these feelings can subside..


my memory works in a splotchy way, when i was writing it came up like a water fountain and i was recalling information that i had read.. i can remember bits of it now even although its just what i got out of the articles and papers and how i thought it related to me and not so much what they wrote in the papers..

i think i tried talking to my ex-therapist about it before but i dont remember what she said about it

i guess i just feel like my mind has divisions, because i went through so much i wasnt able to be normal i had to keep parts of myself separate to keep the normal parts healthy(ish)..

i know i more than likely developed borderline personality and need to work on it... if something more didnt happen to my mind in the process...

there have been many posts that i wanted to print off and take in but i cant because i dont have a printer... i considered writing it all out before but it takes too much thought and i end up not doing it because of contradiction in my mind

i even told the therapist about this place one time in session and tried to show her but she didnt want to look and antoher time i sent her an email trying to get her to read and i dont know if she read but she called me almost imediately after trying to get me to go to the hospital...
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