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Old 12-09-2018, 05:04 AM   #771
raging vortex
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I really, really, really, hate gloves

I hate the feel of them, I hate the sound of them, and I hate that they remind me so much of abuse

I say this because I had a really bad flashback last night to one of my old abusers and he was wearing ****ing gloves

I know I'm ranting about it, but it really, really irks me- when it ends and i'm shaking- well, something was- and I'm pretty sure that my shoulders and legs left my body to have their own little disco on the edge of a ****ing snowstorm

it was a hard night for me, and hard for me to remember all that abuse. I know that I probably need to get ridd of all the gloves I can find and ****ing burn them

going to the bathroom at 1 A.M was the thing that saved me. realised where I was and started to relax a little. I'm safe, warm and okay

so far today is going so slow
it's 10 A.M, and ffeels even earlier. it's a weird feeling
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Old 12-09-2018, 06:22 PM   #772
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Iíve never been diagnosed with a dissociative disorder, but twice this week Iíve had these bizzare episodes of dissociation. Or maybe it was depersonalization. Or something else Iím not aware of.

I had a very bad therapy session on Thursday. And when I realized my mistake, I could feel myself leave my body. It was something I had not expierenced before. Then today at work I was starting to have an anxiety attack, which I never have. I was trying to navagate my way out work, and I just felt really weird. Like I wasnít in the right body. I felt like maybe I hadnít pulled my pants up after using the bathroom, or I was wearing someone elseís coat. The sun felt much more brighter then usual.

Iíve been under a lot of stress with work and therapy and the anniversary of my dads death was a few days ago, but these episodes of dissociation are just bizzare and not like me at all.
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Old 12-10-2018, 06:38 AM   #773
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in the words of next to normal, " it's just another day"

really nothing exciting happening.

feel a mixture of irritibillity and depression.

no more flashbacks which is a nice positive

watched the final of I'm a celebrity get me out of here last night and it was won by the football manager (which was good, I think he deserved it)
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Old 12-11-2018, 05:48 AM   #774
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pain levels are terrible today- my back, my legs, my shoulders, all in a lot of pain.

food wise I feel like I need a real deecent meal.. yesterday I had garlic chicken kiev (which is okay, but I can not stand the smell of garlic!), and I had prawn crackers- which are okay, but none of it was really filling for me. for breakfast today I had bacon, again, nice, but barely much of it.

sleep wise.. I've just not been getting any, not even an hour- it's tough, but also my body is used to it, and because I don't get the signals to my brain to relax... well, yeah

mood wise I guess I'm okay, unmotivated to really do much, but otherwise good
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Old 12-12-2018, 09:44 AM   #775
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this morning, I felt the physical age of 107

my back was hurting so much, and I was bent over in pain. more than one time I thought I was going to just " go over", my legs were starting to go too and even before breakfast I had to sit down because the pain was just too much- needless to say I felt very very irritable

my breakfast smelled amazing,, but smells arn't always reliable- it didn't taste as good as it smelled (it was nice, but nothing special), maybe because I as still in pain and couldn't properly enjoy it

then checked my emails and watched recess: the movie (I found it was on, and I rememberd watching recess in the 90's,) it was a nice memory- so that killed an hour

and then I have done nothing for the rest of the day, accept for posting here and listening to the christmas music- still in pain too, (not as much as earlier but still a lot)

mood's good and depression is low
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Old 12-12-2018, 01:50 PM   #776
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Havenít had a drink in 2 days...on call at the moment. Just wondering if this will make a difference or just less obnoxious.
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Old 12-13-2018, 05:50 AM   #777
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my positive today is that I tried a candycain for the first time

in all these years i've actually never had one. it tasted good, like a stick of rock from the seaside. I've also sorted my shopping list now, so tomorrow I'll work on ordering it all

I'm not feeling anything special, I'm just going through them otions- of getting breakfast, having a drink, listening to music, doing what ever else I need to do to get through the day.. I don't feel great but don't feel terrible either

just getting by and doing what I need to do
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Old 12-13-2018, 06:24 PM   #778
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nothing feels right. I think I am going to move again.
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Old 12-14-2018, 09:31 AM   #779
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We drank a beer last night,,it was awful. The second one gave us a headache all night plus it tasted bad.

Iím thinking that the meds took over finally now that body isnít saturated.

Iím good with this.

The buzz made me dp very much...more then usual. So, thus ends another overdue drinking career.
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Old 12-14-2018, 04:18 PM   #780
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honestly I fdeel like ****

most of it's down to the fact I had my shower and that never lifts my mood- just makes me feel gross (seeing my body and stuff just freaks me), and honestly my mood's not been great either.
I've had this " what ever" attitude for the past few days. I did my food shopping today because I had too, but that's all I did- I sat in my bedroom, curtains closed, listening to teacup travels (classical music cd)


you know when your mood's not great when you don't even want light in your room
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