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Old 04-15-2019, 11:34 AM #91
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Default Re: Burned out and depressed.

I want to straighten out my tangled environment and my mixed up, neglected affairs. I qualify for a valuable benefit in my community that subsidizes my healthcare expenses. I haven't completed the paperwork I was supposed to do to keep this benefit, and I've got a collection agency calling me about medical bills that could have been completely taken care of. That's me neglecting an important responsibility pertaining to my own affairs, while I keep myself immersed in maintaining a high standard of healthcare for my friend. I tell myself I should be doing both. But I'm perpetually behind in what needs to be done, like I just can't keep up with all of it . . . but I blame myself for just not using my time wisely and goofing off exactly as my bf accuses me of.

It's hard for me to have a daily schedule. I've had pretty severe sleep issues all my life. I never know what time, or even if, I'm going to go to sleep at night. That makes planning hard. Amitriptyline helps a lot. But not as much as it used to. Aging has brought a new wrinkle, where, even if I'm lucky enough to fall asleep at an appropriate hour, I wake up in the middle of the night a lot. Ritalin in the morning is supposed to help prevent my days and nights from getting mixed up. One of the best habits one can have is a recurring daily routine that one sticks to. Within that structure you can plan the use of time and energy. I can't plan when I'm going to sleep. But with some self-discipline I should be able to improve.

I'm plenty aware that I don't have to make myself so responsible for this man's wellbeing. I've failed in life, on a number of fronts. I suppose he represents success to me. Looking after him is the one thing I've done pretty successfully. A sister of mine told me long, long ago that I should have a kid, if I was wanting someone to look after.) That way, she said, I could instill my own values in the person I looked after.

Wrote thus last night, but posted this morning.
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Old 04-15-2019, 11:42 AM #92
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Default Re: Burned out and depressed.

I upped amitriptyline from 50 mg to 75 mg. That knocked me out. Slept like a log.

I'll work on straightening out the apartment. I'll fill a large, manilla envelope with what I need to get that subsidy for healthcare expenses.

Wish I wasn't so slow.

Nice to wake up and not have to immediately start caregiving.
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Old 04-15-2019, 11:47 AM #93
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Default Re: Burned out and depressed.

Rose, a t once told me if i wanted something to take care of, to get a cat (not a man)!
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Old 04-15-2019, 11:54 AM #94
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((((((((((( Rose ))))))))))))
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Old 04-15-2019, 04:39 PM #95
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Default Re: Burned out and depressed.

No, it isn't. And the decision is completely your own, but if you start feeling sorry and guilty that he's there in the nursing home - which, let's face it, are never little pieces of heaven - and you decide to return to things as they were, you will be right back where you were, facing a breakdown of your own.

It's hard. We finally put my mother in a nursing home - albeit the best, closest, most expensive one we could find - and she did nothing but complain, and criticism, and b---ch. I felt guilty the entire time, but every time I considered the alternative, which was having her live with us, I knew I had to stick with my decision.

And part of this, a big part, was not just the level of care she would have needed, but the, shall we say, complete lack of sympathetic bonding between her, my husband, and myself. If she had been a different person I wouldn't have hesitated. And of course even then if a person reaches a need for a certain level of care that only a hospital can provide, then that decision would have to be reached as well. But we would have taken her in for as long as we could had there been love and understanding between the 3 of us.

Take care and please do keep in touch.


OOPS! I think I'm late with this. I believe I missed some posts. Will go back and review.
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Old 04-15-2019, 07:05 PM #96
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Default Re: Burned out and depressed.

That's okay, Mopey. I figured out that you were responding to post #90 above.

I can dismiss guilt readily because I've already provided a lot to him. Back in 2014 I arranged a meeting for his daughter, a VA nurse and myself. That nurse said she was surprised he hadn't already "been placed" in a nursing home. That was 5 years ago. He had been a candidate for "placement" a couple years before that, like 2012. His dementia made him unable to drive starting in 2011. So he's already gotten a gift from me of that many years of avoiding a nursing home. That's a pretty big gift that many men don't get even from their wives, who usually would be too old to do what I do. (I am 18 years younger than he is.)

I do feel sorry for him. I feel sorry for the other residents in this place whom I pass by in the hallways, as I walk to his room. He is confined to a private room because he has an infection and is on isolation protocol, so he doesn't behold the dismal sight of these poor souls scattered in the hallways. I'm okay with him being there for awhile, but I don't think I could leave him there.

So the big question is: how do I take him home eventually and not go back to what wasn't working out? I worked for a span of years in a nearby nursing home that was a good facility. It was non-profit. If it still existed, I'ld be pushing him through the door of the place for permanent placement. It's gone.

For now I have this interval of respite. I'm glad of it. But it will run out. What's next will be the big question.
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Old 04-15-2019, 08:17 PM #97
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Default Re: Burned out and depressed.

Cross that bridge when you come to it, rose.

First, wait until the infection clears and he is moved out of isolation. He was very sick when he entered the hospital.
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Old 04-16-2019, 12:03 PM #98
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Default Re: Burned out and depressed.

Also I'd say to try and make the most of the time you have while he's in there and focus on that. Throw your energy into that while you can. Who knows? While you're focusing on getting your own life squared away, at least you'll feel better and more in control, and who knows? Something may turn up or your brain will be working in the background on the whole matter of your bf, and other possibilities may arise. (((((HUGS)))))
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Old 04-16-2019, 01:52 PM #99
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Default Re: Burned out and depressed.

Yes, I must not waste this time. I've done nothing so far this morning, just waiting for an intestinal problem to settle down. I should be able to get going pretty soon.

It is so very true that often we have more options than we think we have. Being in a productive mode of behavior does, I believe, make us more receptive to inspiration about what alternatives we might arrange.

Sometimes I'm not sure whether it's better to get more hours of attendant service, or to have less and more time to have the place just to my bf and myself. Over the Christmas to New Years holiday interval, his attendant called out sick and tired. I got more accomplished with her out of the apartment than I had been managing with her in it.
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Old 04-16-2019, 05:32 PM #100
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Default Re: Burned out and depressed.

Yes, it seems to me that much earlier on, you described a time where even though the attendant was present, you couldn’t seem to relax and let go of the situation enough to doze off and get some sleep. You said that you continued tense and nervous about things even when she was there. Maybe you recall.
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