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Old 11-16-2018, 05:51 PM   #1
Lostandconfused82
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Default Depression in relationships

Hi everyone....I am new to this. I'm needing help. My relationship just ended a month ago and I'm not coping well. I feel like depression is the cause. My boyfriend and I were together for a year. He chased me for over a year previously to us dating. I had some previously bad relationships and was not looking for anything but he finally convinced me to give him a chance but I told him to be patient with me. I wanted to take things slow because I had trust issues. He assured me he understood and wasnt going anywhere. Things went good. We introduced our kids after a while and became a little family basically. He wanted another kid, a girl to be exact because we have boys. He is 45. I am 36. I told him I would have to think on that etc. That's a big deal. We were talking about getting a house together and just all kinds of things. I obviously began falling for him. No one had ever treated me so good. Flowers all the time. Made as much time for me as possible. Complimented ke all the time. He was crazy about me and everyone could see it. But around March of this year or maybe April I noticed some small changes, nothing major just minor things. I asked him if things were ok and he promised me they were. His job had changed and put alot more on him so I was thinking hes just stressed and busy. Over the next few months he became more withdrawn. Only wanting to play his xbox. He had gained quite a bit of weight etc. And out of the blue in July he told me he has never felt anything for me and still didn't. I of course was devastated and confused and hurt. He wanted us to try to fix it. He had told me all this time I made him happier than ever. I was the best thing that ever happened to him. And all of the sudden I have this cold emotionless person sitting Infront of me. A stranger. So for 2 months I bent over backwards trying to bring us close again. I tried to keep his house clean to keep more stress off of him. I took us on a four wheeling trip which he loved. Nothing I did seemed to matter. He just became even more distant and hurtful. Maybe I pushed him too much or idk. But he ended up breaking up with me and told me he felt nothing for me physically or emotionally. He also had told me he felt nothing about anything. He had no feelings and I feel like he couldn't see past the depression to see it was clouding his feelings for me.....am I crazy? I tried to convince him he was depressed. He said he had no interest in doing anything he always enjoyed. He wasnt happy with himself. I thought I could help him through this and make him see that I loved him and we worth the effort but it was hard at most times to convince him anything was wrong with him. He was never consistent with anything. One minute he said he was crazy about me and one minute he said he never felt anything for me. One minute he knew something was wrong and the next he couldn't. Please help. We have been apart for over a month and I keep hoping he will come around. My anxiety is so bad and I'm not well. I'm worried he will move on. Does anyone have any thoughts on this? Please feel free to post
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Old 11-17-2018, 01:51 PM   #2
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Hello Lostandconfused: I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral. One additional forum, here on PC, that may be of interest to you would be the relationships & communication forum. Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/rela...communication/

You didn't mention, in your post, whether or not your bf has been diagnosed as having any kind of mental illness nor whether he is, or has been, in any kind of mental health treatment. However even if he has not, it is certainly true there are many people in the world who could potentially be diagnosed as having a mental illness but who never seek treatment. Still their mental illnesses affect every aspect of their lives. From what you wrote, whether or not your bf has a diagnosed mental illness, it sounds as though he is struggling with some things that are affecting his life & unfortunately have now had a serious impact on you.

Sadly, I doubt there is much of anything you can do that will bring your bf back. He will either decide he made a mistake & come back of his own volition or he will not. One thing you will need to be careful of is, should he come back, will he again change his mind & leave a second time... or even a third? The situation you find yourself in at the moment could be a red flag for how things will continue to be should your bf return. You mentioned your anxiety is bad & you're not well. It may be a good idea to consider seeing a counselor or mental health therapist with whom you can sort through your feelings.

Here are links to a selection of 10 articles, from PsychCentral's archives, that hopefully may be of some help to you in putting this situation into perspective & with figuring out where to go from here:

You Can Only Change Yourself

Are You Waiting for Someone to Change?

Help on Healing from Heartbreak

12 Ways to Mend a Broken Heart

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/succe...ow-to-recover/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/lettin...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/blog/coping...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/lib/recover...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...nful-emotions/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/growth...dium=popular17

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.
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Old 11-17-2018, 02:20 PM   #3
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Old 11-17-2018, 02:20 PM   #4
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((((Lostandconfused82)))) I'm really sorry to hear this. Yes, I agree that he sounds depressed, but the only way to know for sure would be through a proper diagnosis. I don't know what you can do for him... I don't think a relationship is a good idea. If you're still interested in him, you can try to help him as a friend. Remember, though, that he's the one that has to do the healing... you can only do so much to help. He might evern refuse your help. Remember this... and I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
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Old 11-17-2018, 03:58 PM   #5
Lostandconfused82
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Default Re: Depression in relationships

Quote:
Originally Posted by Skeezyks View Post
Hello Lostandconfused: I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral. One additional forum, here on PC, that may be of interest to you

You didn't mention, in your post, whether or not your bf has been diagnosed as having any kind of mental illness nor whether he is, or has been, in any kind of mental health treatment. However even if he has not, it is certainly true there are many people in the world who could potentially be diagnosed as having a mental illness but who never seek treatment. Still their mental illnesses affect every aspect of their lives. From what you wrote, whether or not your bf has a diagnosed mental illness, it sounds as though he is struggling with some things that are affecting his life & unfortunately have now had a serious impact on you.

Sadly, I doubt there is much of anything you can do that will bring your bf back. He will either decide he made a mistake & come back of his own volition or he will not. One thing you will need to be careful of is, should he come back, will he again change his mind & leave a second time... or even a third? The situation you find yourself in at the moment could be a red flag for how things will continue to be should your bf return. You mentioned your anxiety is bad & you're not well. It may be a good idea to consider seeing a counselor or mental health therapist with whom you can sort through your feelings.

Here are links to a selection of 10 articles, from PsychCentral's archives, that hopefully may be of some help to you in putting this situation into perspective & with figuring out where to go from

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.
Thanks for responding. No he has not sought treatment at least while I have known him. He holds everything inside. He most of the time refuses to admit he has a problem. I feel like he blames me even though he told me he didnt. We were so happy before so I'm having a really hard time accepting this. I am seeing a therapist now. It helps some. I just dont know how to let go.
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Old 11-17-2018, 04:03 PM   #6
Lostandconfused82
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Default Re: Depression in relationships

Quote:
Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky View Post
((((Lostandconfused82)))) I'm really sorry to hear this. Yes, I agree that he sounds depressed, but the only way to know for sure would be through a proper diagnosis. I don't know what you can do for him... I don't think a relationship is a good idea. If you're still interested in him, you can try to help him as a friend. Remember, though, that he's the one that has to do the healing... you can only do so much to help. He might evern refuse your help. Remember this... and I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
Thanks so much. Well we have had no contact since we broke up. I miss him so much I cant stand it. I'm pretty positive he is depressed but he wont go to a doctor. The more I tried to help the more he pushed me away. Idk how anyone can be so different. The sweetest most caring guy ever and then it was like I was a stranger. Or worse than a stranger. I would still do anything I could do him. I just dont know what I'm going to do if he moves on. I keep hoping he will come around.
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Old 11-17-2018, 07:00 PM   #7
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Lostandconfused82,

I am sorry you are anxious and may lose him but since children are involved, it may be a blessing that you are recognizing that things are not right before the relationship goes any farther. I think you should part ways or he should be willing to commit on working on his issues just as you have. (Good for you for recognizing that you anxiety. I hope you are working on that issue too just like he also seems to have terrible mood swings he needs to work on in addition to depression.)

I have children and my 20s who are struggling in some ways and reading this quote from an article today (Are Children "Geiger Counters" of Their Parents' Emotions? Children are incredibly attuned to parents’ emotional communication.) was devastating for me:

Now for the study which is the subject of this post. First, however, a bit of background: Psychological problems in kids are roughly divided into externalizing behaviors and internalizing behavior. The former is basically acting out: doing poorly in school, being hyperactive, being oppositional, getting into fights, throwing tantrums and the like.

The latter refers to things like anxiety and depression. Either way, today, kids who have any of these problems are in danger of being labeled with brain disorders such as ADHD, bipolar disorder, and even "oppositional defiant disorder," which is basically bratty behavior. And of course there is "conduct disorder," which used to be called "juvenile delinquency."...

A developmental psychologist, E. Mark Cummings, summed up quite nicely the type of results that this literature routinely shows. He was quoted in a recent article in The Atlantic (How Passive Aggression Hurts Kids - The Atlantic) that described a recent study (Davies, P. T., Hentges, R. F., Coe, J. L., Martin, M. J., Sturge-Apple, M. L., & Cummings, E. M. (2016). The multiple faces of interparental conflict: Implications for cascades of children’s insecurity and externalizing problems. Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 125(5), 664-678).

“Children are like emotional geiger counters,” said E. Mark Cummings, a professor of psychology at the University of Notre Dame who has conducted extensive studies on the effects of marital discord on kids for more than 20 years. Children, he explained, are incredibly attuned to parents’ emotional communication with each other; they’re keenly aware that, for their parents, nonverbal expression is key to communicating feelings.

For many couples, holding onto a grudge—smoldering but not letting a disagreement erupt into a fighting match—may seem like the best way to deal with a conflict. But research shows this kind of discord can significantly interfere with a child’s behavior and sense of emotional security. When exposed to prolonged unresolved conflict, kids are more likely to get into fights with their peers at school and show signs of distress, anger, and hostility. They may also have trouble sleeping at night, which can undermine their academic performance. In fact, according to various studies that measured children’s emotional responses to interparental hostility, disengagement and uncooperative discord between couples has shown to increase a child’s risk of psychological problems, including depression, anxiety, social withdrawal, and aggression."


I was a devoted parent in many ways and so was their dad but the fact that I hate confrontations and never felt like I properly aired out some of the grudges I had concerning major decisions I caved on (or perhaps was just powerless to change his ways) majorly impacted my children. Since then, we have worked many things out and do love each other but parenting while enduring the feeling I had no power to deal with my husband candidly (it mostly came from low self esteem) may have caused them a lot of damage. Though you sound like you love him--let him go if you don't get all these bad feelings resolved or if he cannot get his bad feelings about you resolved. We sometimes are sexually and emotionally attracted to people who also upset us for various reasons. You have to figure out if it can be resolved somehow. If it can't be and you stay you will be so sorry, guilty etc. because you will see the results play out in you children's lives later. I hope I am wrong but I fear our anxieties, etc can have terrible effects on our children. The are only young for a while and they are precious. Keep that in perspective and you can truely love after accepting yourself from within and only being with people who accept you for who you really are.

Last edited by Nowinners; 11-17-2018 at 07:21 PM..
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