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Old 03-18-2019, 01:55 PM   #1
sinking
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Today week 4 started.

i've been taking benzos the last few days and it helped me so much being calm this morning at work. my supervisor did notice and labelled it as me being tired. i admited to it, but more than tired i was RELAXED. im not sure whether i should keep taking benzos at night to sleep better and continuing being so relaxed at work or not. it was all so very different without anxiety. so much better. i guess i'll keep taking them until i see my T on wed. and until we discuss about it.

i didnt take breakfast this morning as i planned last week for mondays (was late), but i did go to the grocery store at noon and bought the necessary and some junk too.

im not as "excited" or as energetic as last week as the effect of seeing exT is wearing off, but i knew that. im in the middle between week 2 and week 3. its ok. i've learned to accept whatever comes.

also, i dont think im going to even take the test my friend suggested me to take to find a part time and short term job as an educator. i dont feel like studying and i dont feel like eventually having to do with kids. i have done that enough of that in the past and i already use a lot of my patience at my current job. i dont feel like stressing out about some other job which wouldnt be full time and would be only for substitutions too. i prefer focusing my energies on my current job. which is enough for now.

i continue being a selfish bi*ch all the time, but right now i dont have the energy (or the willing) that it takes to change. i hope i'll get back there (altruist) again one day.

right now i'll keep listening to the white noise and i hope i'll get to fall asleep soon as i go to bed.
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Old 03-18-2019, 02:45 PM   #2
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Old Yesterday, 01:42 PM   #3
sinking
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So today went quite smoothly too. i made some mistakes at work and for that i felt even more insecure but i didnt let it bother me too much. the benzos im taking are helping a lot even though i dont plan on taking them tonight because i have to wake up earlier tomorrow and i dont want to be mentally sleeping at work.

today, i even took a nap during lunch break. in a sense, the benzos are making things harder because all i want to do is stay in bed, eat and sleep but on the other hand it helps me calming down and keeping my anxiety under control. i hope tomorrow will continue like this.

tomorrow after work im seeing my T. i dont feel i have much to tell her, in spite of how much im posting here. afterwards, my dad will come at my place to help me with some works that need to be done in my flat and that i wouldnt be able to do by myself. i know that by doing, my dad shows me he does care but there are so many other times that with words he says how much he doesnt care really. i dont know…

and then for dinner im going to take at my parents home some kebab and i'll sleep there. im glad im going there because it breaks the week in two and i get to rest more (not more but better) than if i stayed at my flat. so this week should be easier than the past one. i really hope so. routine is sinking in and it does make things easier. im glad i've been paying attention and building it up.
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