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#31 |
Grand Magnate
Só leigheas
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I've calmed down since yesterday. My anxiety isn't bad at all right now.
Has anyone else ever woken up and just realized something about yourself? I do that a lot. This morning it's simple: I'm mediocre at best. Everything and anything I've ever put time into learning, I can never pass mediocrity. Not in sports, music or writing. Nothing I've ever done is something to be impressed by. Not a single thing has ever resulted in excellence, no matter how much I practice and how much time I put in it. So, if I were to die, how would I describe my myself in the end? Mediocre.
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"We had to steal him from his fate so he could see another day." -Twenty One Pilots, 'Taxi Cab'. "My hands did these things, but I was never easy in my mind." -Mudbound |
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#32 |
Wise Elder
Bill3
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I wonder if that is not so much a realization as an attack on self, caused by depression?
![]() The belief that “I am not good enough” certainly can be caused by depression. It can be caused by trauma. It can be caused by many adverse childhood experiences. ![]() You are good enough. ![]() |
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#33 |
Grand Magnate
Só leigheas
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I appreciate that Bill, but it's like, I don't know how to describe it.
It's not that in my life I've never been told that I'm better than mediocre. I just can't see anything else. It's like when I was cleaning this unlisted house with my friends. We cleaned this place, stained the floors and fixed a bathroom from hell. We cleaned on this house for five days straight, spending at least eight hours there a day/night (none of us really slept). By the time we were done, my two friends were proud of what we did, of the work we put in and the "fantastic" results. I didn't see it that way. I still saw dirt, I still saw mold and cobwebs. It wasn't clean. I told them that and then told them I wanted to do one more once over with sweeping and vacuuming at least. They didn't let me because that'd be the fifth time I would've done it. They saw something pristine. I saw filth. I've been told I excel at writing stories. I still only see all of the errors and reuse of words, terrible descriptions and poor set up. I still only see mediocrity. So, I try and teach myself better ways to write but to no avail. It's still and will always be mediocre. Yeah, I have depression but I'm treating it. I have trauma and not the best childhood, but who doesn't? My work is pathetic. I'm pathetic. You could be right, if I look at this from an outsider's perspective I can see that you could be right. But when I look at my work, it's just **** in comparison to those who excel.
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"We had to steal him from his fate so he could see another day." -Twenty One Pilots, 'Taxi Cab'. "My hands did these things, but I was never easy in my mind." -Mudbound |
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#34 |
Grand Magnate
Só leigheas
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They're back. They're trying to take control, but I'm giving them a run for their money. They must obey me, not the other way around. I will win this fight for my soul.
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"We had to steal him from his fate so he could see another day." -Twenty One Pilots, 'Taxi Cab'. "My hands did these things, but I was never easy in my mind." -Mudbound |
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#35 | |
Grand Poohbah
TheLonelyChemist
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Now, I don't want to feed you bullcrap, but here's what is, I am academically mediocre but I still have chances of going into med school. I still can give the Medical Entrance Exam and ace it and get admitted in a government medical college. My other friends may quit education and end up homeless (I don't want it to happen , of course) but I have something they don't, they have something I don't. I can convert this situation with enough effort, getting admitted to a hostel and live my life the way I want to. Of course, there'd be some problem, like the fact there are no barbers near the college, but I cannot expect the situation to be perfect. I am not feeding you ********, it's just how I genuinely view the situation now. My advice would be do improve yourself weekly by whatever amount you can, and compare yourself to yourself only. Then after a year, you'd be excellent too.
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You wanna know what I believe? That this isn't the end, that there's another world out there for both of us. That we'll see each other again. And we'll play, and dance, and bake, and sing. Doesn't that sound beautiful? Will you believe with me? Strange Days Ahead. |
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#36 |
Poohbah
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#37 |
Grand Magnate
Só leigheas
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...............
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"We had to steal him from his fate so he could see another day." -Twenty One Pilots, 'Taxi Cab'. "My hands did these things, but I was never easy in my mind." -Mudbound Last edited by Só leigheas; 09-14-2018 at 04:12 PM.. |
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#38 |
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MatBell
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Don’t feel bad about posting. You can write about just how you feel no matter what. I too feel like I ony write negative posts. But I often use this place as a place to vent and then I often feel better.
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#39 |
Grand Magnate
Só leigheas
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I woke up to see texts about my nephew being born. After a while the texts stop, so I'm hoping things are okay. Wish I knew which hospital it was.
Aside from that, I'm sorry I wrote my last post and the one before it. I was dissociating a lot and sometimes when it gets bad I start getting a little delusional. I felt like I was battling for my soul (that's about all I remember), which is pretty metaphorical if you think about it. I'm also supposed to be taking my little sister to the fair today. She's not a little kid but she's never been to the fair so this will hopefully be exciting for her. I know I'm gonna have to take my PRNs with me to handle that many people in one place. I just hope I can keep it together today since I haven't been able to stay completely stable all day for the past week and a half. I just need to keep it together for my little sister and hopefully not freak out before we leave the fair. To the post about mediocrity, TheLonelyChemist, thank you for your post. It's hard not to compare myself, more than anything, to my older sister. She's always excelled at everything she worked on and I'm happy for her. My whole life I've been compared to her and my other siblings. Let's just say I'm not impressive. I know I shouldn't compare myself and my accomplishments to others, but my mind does it before I can usually even realize it's happening. I'm kind of a family let down. I know I've let my dad and grandpa down. I don't know, I just feel pathetic, I guess.
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"We had to steal him from his fate so he could see another day." -Twenty One Pilots, 'Taxi Cab'. "My hands did these things, but I was never easy in my mind." -Mudbound |
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#40 | |
Grand Poohbah
TheLonelyChemist
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Long story short, you don't need to strictly follow what I say, but you need to ACCEPT that you have some flaws. Comparison is the thief of joy, I read over a blog. If you have time, check the blog post out. >> Comparison is the Thief of JoyAspiring Docs Diaries | It's from a medical college point of view, but that's the most relevant topic I have read that is relevant to your situation. Also, enjoy the life you always wanted. I know it's hard, and I myself have been in therapy for two years before it finally started making changes in my way of thinking, I think that's the best I can offer.
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You wanna know what I believe? That this isn't the end, that there's another world out there for both of us. That we'll see each other again. And we'll play, and dance, and bake, and sing. Doesn't that sound beautiful? Will you believe with me? Strange Days Ahead. |
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