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Old 12-04-2017, 12:18 PM   #1
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Frown But I am doing everything right

I have a great boyfriend, my family is supportive, I work out 4-5x a week, I am always trying new things, I am going back to university to study what I always wanted, people like my company, I stress about money but who doesn't, I am an incredibly rational person who understands moods, triggers, emotions, but what I cannot understand is the point of it all.

Going through the motions, making plans, I do everything you are supposed to do to be happy so why am I not? Why is it every time I finally open up about how I feel all that spews out is loneliness, sadness, and guilt. I feel numb to everything, and I am so tired of acting how I am supposed to and not getting anywhere. For a year now I have felt on the verge of something, and so fragile, lights seem brighter, people sound louder. When I have thoughts now by myself I suppress them and think ďOk I will think about that later when I can write about itĒ because I donít even want to get into it by myself. I feel empty when my life is clearly so abundant. Why is it that I can recognize I have things good yet still feel nothing about it. Iím so sick of repressing things but when I try to vocalize it it doesnít sound real.

I need help on how to continue because I feel like I am imploding.
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Old 12-06-2017, 05:18 PM   #2
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Hello cleisy: Well... I don't know as there is a lot I can offer you here. From what you wrote it sounds as though perhaps you're struggling with some serious depression. Mental health professionals tell us that depression is a disease not essentially different from any other. And so, that being the case, one does not have to have "a reason" for being depressed. A person can have a great life outwardly & still struggle with depression. It may be that the best thing you could do for yourself would be to seek the services of a mental health therapist with whom you can explore what you are experiencing. It may take some time to find the right therapist for you. (Not every therapist works well with every client.) But if you can find one you feel comfortable with, the experience may be well worth the effort.

Family therapist, Kati Morton, uploads mental-health-related videos onto her YouTube channel. She's done quite a few on the subject of depression. Here are links to a couple of them:

https://youtu.be/_9N7eWSgi7o

https://youtu.be/51vdnwrfsNA

Also, here are links to a couple of articles from PsychCentral's archives on the topic recognizing depression:

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/scien...ure-depressed/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/archiv...sed-to-notice/

And, then, there is PsychCentral's Depression Screening test:

https://psychcentral.com/quizzes/depression-quiz.htm

Anyway... I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit. May I suggest you introduce yourself over on PC's New Member Introductions forum? Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/new-...introductions/

There's a lot of support that can be available here on PC. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are the chat rooms where you'll be able to interact with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) So please keep posting!
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Old 12-07-2017, 07:05 PM   #3
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Old 12-08-2017, 09:27 AM   #4
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Default Re: But I am doing everything right

Thank you Skeezyks,
I appreciate the links and help you have offered because my health insurance just ended so I cannot currently seek out a professional for some time. Thank you for the warm welcome, I will write an introductory post for myself
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Old 01-26-2018, 01:28 AM   #5
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I ask myself this question every single day... I subscribed to PsychCentral years ago as a grad student in Experimental Psychology. Ever since I have utilized it to heal my children and me from the 15 years of exposure to NPD my ex-husband will probably never allow himself to be diagnosed with.

He used all listed and some additional ways of abusing, controlling, belittling, mocking, patronizing, invalidating, blaming and blame-shifting, gaslighting and using to keep me and my kids form wellness. In the three years since wee divorced it has been a roller-coaster. I suffer from severe PTSD, Depression, and Anxiety.

My kids have all the above and my son uses food to self-soothe and medicate. He also has been showing replicating signs of the abuse he and I suffered first-hand by his father. He is 14 and gifted. He is also entering a phase I cannot reach him most days.

His empathy comes and goes- more gone than here. Since the divorce, he has taken up the need to act as his older sister and mother's male support. My daughter is 16. She has JUST gotten through the hell that takes so many teens. She is bright, empathically gifted, and can see things that few are able to see. She is like me in many ways, only she has not gone into dangerous waters that cannot be returned from.

One time she drank Fireball that my ex had to have and never showed up for on Thanksgiving. Other than that, no drugs, no drinking, no rock and roll. Still, I cannot get her to keep her room clean for more than a day, maintain any responsibility in the home, and she continues to make toxic choices in friends and romances.

Luckily, she has avoided the romance for a while and just recently said "If you cannot be kind to me and when I tell you that you are being disrespectful, not to call me stupid, I cannot be around you because I am not emotionally stable enough. I love you, but I cannot do this." I was SO PROUD! This was the first time she did this for herself. Kids do what they see parents do- NOT what we tell them.

My son is becoming my ex and my daughter has conformed herself to toxic relationships that she saw played out through myself and her father for 16 years. I have not yet been able to cut that last string he keeps on me so he can retain that control and feed off my emotions as if his own. I know, logically that I must to survive. I know, logically, that his approval and validation of ALL I have done in the face of total annihilation means nothing and should not be important to me. I know that he will always mess with my head and worse- my heart.

I have done much work here but my emotion over logic personality has made it tremendously hard. I am seeking and getting help with this- as well as the survivor guilt I have over my baby sister and best friend who died the day (24 hours exactly) after our mom.

I reached out to a medium at Christmas and it was abstractly therapeutic for me beyond words. However, even though I am revered in my Ph.D. program and have an M.A. in Experiemental Psych and have don etremendous things after being an at-home mom and abused wife for 15 years... even though I have raised my kids all alone and only have opposition and more problems given y their father... even though when my mom and sister died I went back to school and never stopped while maintaining the best mothering possible when my daughter got sick and we almost lost her... even all this and a million more things that are great about me and special- I feel like a failure most days.

Most days I wonder if this crises-ridden life will ever transform into the life I and my children deserve. Each time I think it is moving into that direction (I am asked for an interview and it is a possible career for me to start, I get a scholarship...) something catastrophic happens and I am right back in hell. I wonder if I am doing this subconsciously to myself because it is all I have ever known.

I want so much to be loved in a healthy way and know what that feels like (romantic love), yet I sit at home, go grocery shopping, run my kids all over, and little else. I am afraid but want it so much. I am afraid I will fall for another who is a closet Narc that will finish me off for good. I am afraid my ex was right and I will never work- even though I know for a FACT that I will be an amazing professional in the advocate and helping profession. I know all this logically, but in the back of my head it nags and nags.

I have serious pain issues and am over ten years without abusing after the doctors all started me on opiates for my chronic pain. I have to have surgery on my SPINE! Just the "test"- a discography- to detect which vertebrates to operate on has kept me in severe pain for 10 days post-op now. I used to be so confident and sure I would be amazing- knew I was amazing!

Now I struggle with a duel-identity almost and am this accomplished woman that always finds a way and never gives up on one hand- and a scared, broken victim on the other with hopeless thoughts of the future- terrified for my chidren. I never thought to use PsychCentral for me.

Tonight in the absence of being able to sleep, I did every quiz applying to me and started a mood journal. I am closing with this post. I know I have so much to give and it comes from a place more genuine than many of competing professionals because I lived it and made it through to a better place. I just want to be loved and cared for. I first want to be loved and cared for by myself...

Last edited by CANDC; 01-26-2018 at 05:04 PM.. Reason: Paragraph breaks
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Old 01-27-2018, 01:34 PM   #6
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((((( cleisy)))))
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