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Unread 10-12-2017, 01:56 PM   #1
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Default More low moods.

I am stressed and depressed.....low in mood.I feel alone.I want love.I am lonely.I have had problems forming relationships all my life.I am 53 and have never had intimacy or had a partner.I was strictly controlled as a child and threatened not to get involved emotionally with strangers,my parents acted as if they owned me.I was not free.Then this became emotional and psychological abuse when my dad died,I was 16 and my mother and sister made me work in family shop with them.Over the next 35 years they bullied me,my sister in particular drove me mad literally with her head games and when I became mentally ill she devised arguments deliberately to overpower me and weaken me I became ill physically.It was years of rejection abandonment and emotional abuse designed to sabotage my independence and drive me to suicide.She wanted the money from my house and also my my share of inheritance from mum.My sister is an evil narcissist.I cut her out of my life three years ago.

I still have PTSD from the abuse she put me through.I am due to have CBT in November.I can't feel safe meeting new people and socialising.I am alone at home most of the time.It makes me feel so low and anxious.I didn't expect to have low moods and mood swings once I cut my sister out of my life.Things are better for me having cut my narc sister out of my life,I am no longer always going into psychosis and ending up in hospital every three years,it was emotional abuse from her caused that,emotional batterings, arguments,rejection,sabotage,gaslighting,making demands on my time and space,causing me to be powerless and dependent on her,making me look weak,hopeless and incompetent,then stepping in to help,take over and beating me up for not being able to do it myself.Being ill and being called lazy.Blaming me for stuff she herself did,that was projection.If I stop and go over everything that happened It would be relieving the trauma of it again and again.If I get flashbacks and memories triggered cos of the PTSD I find myself crippled and unable to function.On days like today when I get depressed I fear the memories will surface and I will be crippled on a daily basis.
My worse days I am unable to get up and I sleep all day frightened to wake up and when I do wake up the depression is deeper than ever.

I really need love and support but I have always been afraid to trust or let anyone into my life.I don't know the future but I hope therapy will open me up emotionally to meeting men and finding someone special.
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Unread 10-12-2017, 02:16 PM   #2
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Default Re: More low moods.

Bless your heart

I have my fingers crossed for you that you find relief in CBT. I have a lot of faith in it.

Do you have specific goals with CBT, like certain thoughts or stories you're hoping to resolve?
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Unread 10-13-2017, 05:42 AM   #3
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Hello Winterbritt,
My goal is for CBT to help me overcome my pattern of avoiding and fearing social situations and to be able to trust someone enough to meet them and become intimate and let them into my life...I also want more confidence and self esteem.The main story I want to resolve is to get over how my narc sister used me and took me from a powerful confident woman and turned me into a powerless,shivering wreck.I cannot fathom the person I became,scared of my own shadow and afraid,dependent,ill and weak and powerless,having her anger and resentment continuously make me feel guilty and allowing her to abuse me when I was already ill.I have a lot of hatred for narc sister that I put to the back of my mind cos I don't want to indulge it.I also hate that she got away with using me and hurting me so badly.
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Unread 10-13-2017, 05:55 AM   #4
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Default Re: More low moods.

Those sound like good attainable goals!
I kind of have a philosophy that people can do bad things to you, but they can't make you suffer. They can't force you to carry their actions with you after they're gone. I use a method that's kind of based on CBT with myself, and it really helped relieve my suffering. Bad things happen to me sometimes but suffering about it is optional now. I can endure hard stuff when it happens but I don't have to carry it with me now.

I'm curious, can you ever see yourself finding some sort of appreciation for your sister, or for forgiving her in some way? Even if you never see her or speak to her again, you are still living with your memory of her every day. Do you think you could forgive the memory you have of her, for the sake of peace in your own mind? I mean, if you knew it were possible and that you could live a happier life because of it, would you do it?
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Unread 10-13-2017, 09:57 AM   #5
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Default Re: More low moods.

Good luck with your CBT. I really think it will help you. A pet or a support dog could be really helpful as well. Sending big hugs.
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Unread 10-13-2017, 01:22 PM   #6
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Default Re: More low moods.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967 View Post
Good luck with your CBT. I really think it will help you. A pet or a support dog could be really helpful as well. Sending big hugs.
I agree that a dog can make all the difference
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Unread 10-13-2017, 02:31 PM   #7
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Default Re: More low moods.

I'm hoping for you Marilyn. Getting into CBT therapy sounds wonderful.

May the odds be ever in your favor
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Unread 10-13-2017, 03:03 PM   #8
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Default Re: More low moods.

Thank you all. Winterbrit,I can in a way forgive my sister,as I say I deliberately don't think of the violence she did to me,I do have some memories of her being loving towards me,as she is a narcissist though I believe she faked that love so I wouldn't leave her,she was showing me what I demanded cos I told her I'd leave her if she abused me again,she said sorry and was on best behaviour for four more years before she became abusive again and then I left.

I don't know if the person I loved was real or fake,she would try to be who I wanted her to be,when she showed her true colours she was disgusting she looked at me with contempt and disgust and her eyes were evil,she dropped her guard and showed me what she really was,I didn't recognise this person,I knew I couldn't trust her,I knew she meant me harm.

She took actions to undermine my health make me mentally ill and tried to make me commit suicide.I did love her but she wasn't really that person that I loved.I know if I got involved with her again she'd start out nice and get nasty really quickly.I feel ok leaving what she did to the back of my mind I feel ok that way.

I have forgiven her best I can cos I know she is evil,like a demon and has no feelings of empathy for anyone,she is a really selfish self absorbed person and cannot really love.But I do hate what she did to me sometimes without hating her,on the other hand the memories of how she used me ,stole from me and tried to end my life make me hate her sometimes too.

It helps though to try and work out her motives and I kinda know they were financial and also that she has hated me since I was born and has always had a psychological problem with her identity,she used to confuse us,she'd point to pictures of me as a child and insist it was a picture of her.She once said that I was a very important part of her.Like she didn't see me as my own person but as an extension of herself there to meet her needs.

Other weird stuff went on she adopted every interest I ever had as her own,read all the books I was into at university and followed all the music I liked,she lie and say she did courses I did and claimed to have memories that I had related to her.She is seven years older than me and she is a very demanding ,chaos causing individual.Most of the time I don't think of her anymore and I stopped hating her and forgave her and i do feel better for it.It is specific betrayals and acts of violence that when I remember them make me hate her a lot.

I know that I can get over it anyway and I will and I will move forwards and achieve things I want to in my life from now on!

Last edited by Marylin; 10-13-2017 at 03:06 PM. Reason: To add paragraphs.
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