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Unread 09-14-2017, 07:53 AM   #1
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Default Married, Lost, Depressed, wife read through my private journal

I don't know where to put this so I'm going to place this in a few of the topics. Moderators feel free to remove or place in proper forum topic. Thank You.

Working through marriage and rebuilding every time it falls apart, just like a big Jenga game. This has been falling apart more than usual. Right now we are in the rebuild and move on from the present moment.

Married, going on 18 years with a 15 year old female teen. I've been depressed for as long as I can remember and my wife has OCD.

Just recently, my wife opened up and read through my journal, that I've been writing in for the past year. It has a handful of women that I have been emotionally attached to where we have shared to say the least some kind of "Platonic" relation, mainly yoga teachers and life coaches. My journal stated that I am highly infatuated with them and that they possess a unique quality that draws me so close to them. My path crosses with these women and builds from there, I write about maybe a certain moment either with a one on one yoga session to simply sharing a cup of tea and conversation. Yes, I know I'm married and so are these women either married or engaged. The feeling was unrequited but yet I still just wrote about my feelings and the crushes I've been having. I guess you can call this a one way emotional affair on my part.

My life goes through these cycles of an emotional attachment and infatuations with others, maybe some quality I don't see in my wife.

Look, on the external of our life and marriage we seem pretty normal. House, mortgage, dogs, white picket fence, the works. We have even been hosting foreign exchange students for the past couple of years, but this school year, is different. We have a student from Austria where me and her have gotten quite close, close as in she's an athlete, high school swim team, and I'm a marathon runner and Ironman Triathlete. I also have been teaching her how to surf and in the beginning I've been taking her to my local pool where I've been training for my triathlon events.

We have even been "Snap Chatting" each other on social media as in just sending our good mornings with a morning or goodnight pic. I'd like to say harmless. My wife caught wind of this and shut down the snap chatting stuff, she brought it up to our student, that it's been causing us to fight as if lately. So that's gone, but I miss it. Every time I'd see our student, my wife would see how much my sorry depressed *** would lighten up. How I can go from a life sucks moment to a moment of clarity and life in me. And yes, I was crushing on the energy of our student as well, and also wrote about it in my journal.

Why am I saying crushing on the energy of our student, Okay, I was crushing on a 16 year old girl, because her life's energy was giving new meaning to my sorry pathetic life.

I told my wife yes it is wrong, and that these crushes were fake because I saw something in these women, and yes even through a teenager that I once use to see in my wife that is no longer there anymore. I told my wife that I need to move on, and that I am now to live as transparent as possible.

All this **** happened through the same time hurricane Irma was about to hit Florida of where we live.

As for transparency, here I am on this forum still writing away, I can't journal anymore at home cause it's not going to be for me any more.

A part of me is wanting to save our marriage to move on, and as wrong as it appears to be, to hold on to this school year to provide for our exchange students.

Please know, that I'm not to cross boundaries or do not have any malicious intent with our student. I just miss the interaction and life of how it was before all **** hit the fan and everything came out to the open.

Life has been a struggle to hold on these days. I want to try to hold it together, but I don't know how much longer before I lose it have a mental breakdown, or exit from life.

I have an exit plan, I just don't want to traumatize our kids at this moment.

HELP?
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Unread 09-14-2017, 12:15 PM   #2
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Default Re: Married, Lost, Depressed, wife read through my private journal

Welcome to psych central. I'm sorry you're wife read your journal. Perhaps you could talk to a therapist instead. And of course yu can talk here on this forum
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Unread 09-14-2017, 11:55 PM   #3
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Default Re: Married, Lost, Depressed, wife read through my private journal

Welcome and I can relate to your situation.
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Unread 09-15-2017, 12:15 AM   #4
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Default Re: Married, Lost, Depressed, wife read through my private journal

My first question is did it seem like the writing help?
If yes my next question is...Would you still want to do it if you knee beyond the shadow of a doubt that she could never find out?
There is a free blog site that I use to use. It is anonymous and the likely hood of someone just stumbling across a random page of someone that has no "followers" & doesn't "follow" anyone is almost 0. If some how they do it is just as Anonymous this site is. We only know what you tell us.
I believe the site is Wordpress.com
I get where you're coming from. I too have experienced "emotional" affairs.
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Unread 09-15-2017, 01:13 AM   #5
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Default Re: Married, Lost, Depressed, wife read through my private journal

Quote:
Originally Posted by Joffrey Woolf View Post
I don't know where to put this so I'm going to place this in a few of the topics. Moderators feel free to remove or place in proper forum topic. Thank You.



Working through marriage and rebuilding every time it falls apart, just like a big Jenga game. This has been falling apart more than usual. Right now we are in the rebuild and move on from the present moment.



Married, going on 18 years with a 15 year old female teen. I've been depressed for as long as I can remember and my wife has OCD.



Just recently, my wife opened up and read through my journal, that I've been writing in for the past year. It has a handful of women that I have been emotionally attached to where we have shared to say the least some kind of "Platonic" relation, mainly yoga teachers and life coaches. My journal stated that I am highly infatuated with them and that they possess a unique quality that draws me so close to them. My path crosses with these women and builds from there, I write about maybe a certain moment either with a one on one yoga session to simply sharing a cup of tea and conversation. Yes, I know I'm married and so are these women either married or engaged. The feeling was unrequited but yet I still just wrote about my feelings and the crushes I've been having. I guess you can call this a one way emotional affair on my part.



My life goes through these cycles of an emotional attachment and infatuations with others, maybe some quality I don't see in my wife.



Look, on the external of our life and marriage we seem pretty normal. House, mortgage, dogs, white picket fence, the works. We have even been hosting foreign exchange students for the past couple of years, but this school year, is different. We have a student from Austria where me and her have gotten quite close, close as in she's an athlete, high school swim team, and I'm a marathon runner and Ironman Triathlete. I also have been teaching her how to surf and in the beginning I've been taking her to my local pool where I've been training for my triathlon events.



We have even been "Snap Chatting" each other on social media as in just sending our good mornings with a morning or goodnight pic. I'd like to say harmless. My wife caught wind of this and shut down the snap chatting stuff, she brought it up to our student, that it's been causing us to fight as if lately. So that's gone, but I miss it. Every time I'd see our student, my wife would see how much my sorry depressed *** would lighten up. How I can go from a life sucks moment to a moment of clarity and life in me. And yes, I was crushing on the energy of our student as well, and also wrote about it in my journal.



Why am I saying crushing on the energy of our student, Okay, I was crushing on a 16 year old girl, because her life's energy was giving new meaning to my sorry pathetic life.



I told my wife yes it is wrong, and that these crushes were fake because I saw something in these women, and yes even through a teenager that I once use to see in my wife that is no longer there anymore. I told my wife that I need to move on, and that I am now to live as transparent as possible.



All this **** happened through the same time hurricane Irma was about to hit Florida of where we live.



As for transparency, here I am on this forum still writing away, I can't journal anymore at home cause it's not going to be for me any more.



A part of me is wanting to save our marriage to move on, and as wrong as it appears to be, to hold on to this school year to provide for our exchange students.



Please know, that I'm not to cross boundaries or do not have any malicious intent with our student. I just miss the interaction and life of how it was before all **** hit the fan and everything came out to the open.



Life has been a struggle to hold on these days. I want to try to hold it together, but I don't know how much longer before I lose it have a mental breakdown, or exit from life.



I have an exit plan, I just don't want to traumatize our kids at this moment.



HELP?


I applaud you for your sincerity in explaining the situation.
I understand your situation. Do I agree with it? No but that is irrelevant and has nothing to do with you. Therefore, I sincerely hope that no one, on this forum, passes any judgement on you.
With that being said, I would guess that at least 50 percent of those families who seem to have "the works" are going through very similar challenges. In fact, at my work three out of five marriages are falling apart due to very similar reasons to yours (except the roles are reversed). The sole reason I am sharing this information is to help you have kindness and understanding towards yourself. Eighteen years is a long time.
On the other hand, This might be a turning point for you, meaning it might be time for you to figure out what you exactly want. Will you continue the same trend or will you be willing to clarify everything with your wife?
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Unread 09-15-2017, 06:39 AM   #6
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Default Re: Married, Lost, Depressed, wife read through my private journal

I won't judge & I understand that these things happen in long-term marriages, but I would be hurt if I were your wife, especially if I found out about the pictures being sent to a teen. Emotional affairs can be just as harmful as a real affair.

Are you being treated for your depression? Perhaps couples counseling and having your own therapist will help.

You could be mourning the loss of youth and a certain life energy in your wife. Perhaps try reconnecting with her in new ways to renew that energy within your relationship. Do fun things together -- do you?

I hope you can find some resolution and help around this. (((Hugs)))
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Unread 09-15-2017, 07:10 AM   #7
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I just realized I posted similar messages as this post is posted also under relationships. Sorry for the double post!
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Unread 09-15-2017, 07:31 AM   #8
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Default Re: Married, Lost, Depressed, wife read through my private journal

Gratitude!!!����. Yes, I'm being treated for depression. More so now, and I just made an appointment with my therapist after a years hiatus. During this hiatus I was training for Ironman Races and taking Yoga. But now, as I saw myself lighting up with an external stimuli such as our foreign exchange student, I fell in a deeper depression.

I was falling in a deep depression even before our student came to live with us. But because of my athletic lifestyle, we were paired with an athletic student, hence the competitive swimmer. And we hit it off right from the bat. Yeah, temporarily, I was able to live again out of a depressive state. And c'mon, I know it's wrong to have these feelings, and that's what was killing me. But just for that moment, to feel alive again, and live adventurous and race with our student.

Well, as for the pics, sending back and fourth, it was through Snap chat, a social media pic/message sharing app. And this was a two way street. I'd get a "finally awake" and so fourth and send one out as well. Anyways, enough of that!!! It's over.

Yeah, I didn't have the most colorful youth. And living like that for a brief moment, made me relive a better youth again, although delusional in my adult life.

But please, know and understand, I would never hurt this child or do anything to cross boundaries with her. During my childhood, I was betrayed by a relative adult. And growing up has consequences. I would protect the youth under my watch with my life. But, yeah, maybe we or I got to close, emotionally attached and completely immersed myself. But it's over now.

To say the least, our student will continue to live with us for the remaining school year. I cannot and will not send her to a different host family unless she request it herself. My main intention is to provide a comfortable host stay for her and and another. She is quite comfortable with our arrangement.

I'm trying to live Stoic like, but it kills me sometimes...

Thank you for all that has replied and gave me another perspective.

Gratitude!!!
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Unread 09-15-2017, 08:41 AM   #9
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Default Re: Married, Lost, Depressed, wife read through my private journal

Thank you for your honest heartfelt reply. I appreciate it.

Sometimes, I'm not sure what I'm looking for anymore. And sometimes, I don't care anymore either. Maybe I'll never know what I'm looking for, or I'll never find what it is.

But I know I need to hold on, if not for me, but for my wife and daughter. And maybe on the spur of the moment I signed up for an Ironman race 5 weeks out from today, without optimal training. But I guess I love the pain, the physical pain of endurance, pushing through the hardest and painful moments of life.

Thank you.
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Unread 09-15-2017, 10:53 AM   #10
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Default Re: Married, Lost, Depressed, wife read through my private journal

Take care of yourself. I know it's hard.
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