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Unread 09-10-2017, 01:36 PM   #1
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In spite of everything going on in my life, in spite of all the thoughts and feelings, in spite of plans and hopes, in spite of being in touch with a lot of different people that i care about and love...

i dont feel alive, inside. like this all is a stupid dream. unreal. i am not real. not until i write things down and post them. this helps me feeling real, at least a little bit.

and at the same time i feel overwhelmed and all i want to do is to hide, and isolate myself with no other stimuli. im tired of feeling other people's feelings as if they were mine. hurting for them. im tired of caring, of feeling, of thinking...

im sick of everything. good, bad, exciting, boring, feeling sad, scared, ashamed, hurt. im so very tired of being alive. and so guilty of hurting other people. by being me.

i have given up on happiness... or hope. well, hope never dies, but i dont want it, it is only painful and useless.
and i am tired, so so tired.
my mind wont shut up, my heart wont stop beating, tears wont stop wanting to come out. i just want peace but the only way to have it is dying.
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Unread 09-10-2017, 01:48 PM   #2
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Unread 09-10-2017, 03:07 PM   #3
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I'm sorry you're feeling so bad now. I can relate to what you're saying, wanting to hide away and being sick of everything. I hope better days are soon coming your way
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Unread 09-10-2017, 07:22 PM   #4
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You so eloquently communicated how I have felt for a long, long time. Hope you find peace in your life.
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Unread 09-10-2017, 08:40 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sinking View Post
In spite of everything going on in my life, in spite of all the thoughts and feelings, in spite of plans and hopes, in spite of being in touch with a lot of different people that i care about and love...



i dont feel alive, inside. like this all is a stupid dream. unreal. i am not real. not until i write things down and post them. this helps me feeling real, at least a little bit.



and at the same time i feel overwhelmed and all i want to do is to hide, and isolate myself with no other stimuli. im tired of feeling other people's feelings as if they were mine. hurting for them. im tired of caring, of feeling, of thinking...



im sick of everything. good, bad, exciting, boring, feeling sad, scared, ashamed, hurt. im so very tired of being alive. and so guilty of hurting other people. by being me.



i have given up on happiness... or hope. well, hope never dies, but i dont want it, it is only painful and useless.

and i am tired, so so tired.

my mind wont shut up, my heart wont stop beating, tears wont stop wanting to come out. i just want peace but the only way to have it is dying.


I feel the same way but we cannot give up on hope. We should always leave a little room for imagination of hope. Can I do this? No, not yet but I know that I have to. I just don't want to do it and it is merely because I, like you, have given up on hope; however, it made my depression worse.
Being alive is so painful. But great giving up is not only painful but also shameful.
Lets lift each other up through these dark times . We are lucky to have this virtual platform in which we can always reach out for help and feel welcomed, without judgement.
Shall I find light in my dark days, I promise to reflect it in this forum.
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Unread 09-11-2017, 09:25 AM   #6
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Sometimes i feel like i want to give up because i hate life just in theory.

Other times, the times i feel it stronger, is because i cant stand the daily routine of thoughts, feelings and duties....

Nothing seriously bad is going on in my life but i feel trapped, forced to lie and pretend constantly and when i dont, i feel guilty and ashamed.

I feel wrong and evil and i cant stand that. or being alive. or life itself.

what is good for me is bad for others and what is good for others is a torture for me.... always having to pretend and lie and hide... having secret motives and plans....

im tired tired tired TIRED!
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Unread 09-11-2017, 09:42 AM   #7
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It sounds like you're in a lot of mental pain right now. I am really sorry to hear that. I had a very very difficult time with depression as well, but I am ok now.

So you said nothing seriously wrong is going on in your life, but you still feel really terrible. That makes sense. That's depression.

Please tell me one thing, just one single thing in your life that is good, or that you might have thought was good if you weren't depressed?

Depression is like a deep dark pit.

You can pull yourself out of the hole and change your thought patters and rewire your brain, but you have to be willing to have different thoughts. You have to be willing to let go of the story that everything is awful. That's just a story that your mind is telling you over and over like a parrot that's learned some words and keeps repeating them.

You can decide to tell that parrot to shut up if you want to feel better. Your mind just squacks thoughts out all day. And you either believe them or you don't. Your mind is telling you that everything is awful and there's no hope.

Just think on the idea that maybe everything is in fact not awful. Ponder the idea that maybe everything is actually ok, even if it doesn't feel ok. Think about that maybe you are just a sweet caring perfect soul like anyone else, and that your mind is just in some bad habits that are basically just tricking you into being miserable.
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Unread 09-11-2017, 11:11 AM   #8
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sorry you are struggling right now

I've been there. Just tired....so tired...tired of trying...tired of hoping....tired of trying to feel or care....and failing....just so f*cking tired.....

The only thing I can tell you is try to be your own best friend. Seek help, if that help doesn't help...seek different help. Try meds, or change meds. Talk to a T about how you are feeling. Do whatever it takes to climb out of the dark hole.

Even when we are so far down in the dark hole that we can't see the light...the light is still there.

My wish for you is that you find a way out of the hole. Climb up and live..... you can do it, even if it doesn't "feel" like you can at the moment
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Unread 09-12-2017, 12:14 PM   #9
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Thank you both for answering.

today i saw my T and i feel a little better now. i got to vent some about my every day life at home... and relationships/work.... i just want my T to understand why i see life as a cage. its hard though because she seems to have such a positive view on life... too much!

Winterbritt, something good? maybe my family (parents and brother). but they are the ones making me feel horrible at the same time too, so i dont know... every single thing i can think of as good is at the same time source of great stress/pain... work, relationships, T, hopes.... so i really dont know.... maybe my cats then? until they are alive? but what does it change?
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Unread 09-12-2017, 12:19 PM   #10
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I think the thing that gives me the most comfort is that, as long as we are alive, we have the potential to make changes that will benefit us. We never have to stagnate if we are determined enough to make those changes. It is so hard, but so rewarding once you do. Good luck to you, friend.
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