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Unread 07-17-2017, 09:37 AM   #1
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Trig The Butterfly Effect

Starting with this week, they have changed my work schedule. I already dont like this new job much, but starting at 7 am seems to be too much for me. I know this is pretty silly, but it lead me to planning my death. This is how my mind works. The butterfly effect:

I started thinking about how id like to talk about this with my T but i dont feel i can. It would seem like i complain for nothing. I know theres much worse than waking up at 6 am.
I started thinking about talking about it with my boss. But then again, she already told me that if this was a problem for me, to go to bed earlier. I already go to bed at 9 pm. I really need a lot of sleep to function well. So i cant tell her either.

I started thinking about quitting this job and finding something else, but i dont feel i have options. Its this one or nothing.
I started thinking how losing this job would bring me to not be able to get my own place, start my adulthood, my economical independence and how it would destroy my plans.

I went on thinking how i cannot talk about this with anyone. I can tell my parents, and i did, but i have to show them im optimistic anyway. Like, i can do it. Instead i feel i cant. I dont even want to. Why should i?
I started thinking about how i could defend myself giving (true) physical explanations for quitting: it makes me have headache, nausea and i really really hate waking up this early. To the point it makes me cry from anger (big deal for me). It would make me feel i like i live for working while i think were supposed to work for living. Plus i dont even like this job, id do it only to be able to afford my own place. And then id die anyway.

So I started crying only thinking about this, about how i feel trapped, with no way out. I started thinking about how id like to quit talking (since im not allowed anyway) and ending up in a mental hospital. But my problems wouldnt end anyway.
So i ended up thinking that since my plan is to die anyway, then ill have to do it before getting my own place. It wouldnt be as planned, but in the end the result would still be the same. And i started thinking about how and where and when id like to just end this f***ing life. Only this gave me some comfort, finally.

Why should I want to go on living? For working? For my parents? For some illusory hope of happiness? Nothing good is awaiting me anyway. So maybe i should just keep going until i break do i have any other options?
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Unread 07-17-2017, 10:34 AM   #2
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Default Re: The Butterfly Effect

I'm so sorry to hear that you are feeling this hopeless. First and foremost, it's clearly not "just complaining" if this problem is leading you down a path to ending your life. That is definitely something you can and should discuss with your T. It's not their job to judge how severe your problems are, it's their job to discuss what you can do to overcome this situation and/or feeling. I can relate to your feelings, if I don't get enough sleep I find myself in a much more fragile emotional state and that makes all my other issues all the worse. There's always another job out there. Even if you are set back for a while, you have plenty of time to figure out your career. Dependency is not the worst thing if it means you can focus on your mental health first and money second. There is more to life than working, but sometimes you have to sacrifice money in the short term to build a happy life in the long run.

Wishing you the best. <3
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Unread 07-17-2017, 03:25 PM   #3
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Default Re: The Butterfly Effect

If you can't be completely candid with your T , they are not doing you any good ,for therapy to really be effective you need to go to your session and unload whatever is on your mind , your therapist isn't going to be shocked or offended , you really need to build that kind of relationship a "healthy one" , if there are things you are internally editing and not telling your T it's compounding the problem making it bigger.
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Unread 07-18-2017, 04:00 AM   #4
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Default Re: The Butterfly Effect

Thank you both, maybe i will talk about this with my T, even though i cant tell her everything. I think i'll tell her im going to quit my job. I keep disappointing myself over and over again. Im such a failure.

I went to work this morning but i felt physically sick, i had headache, my head was pulsing, had nausea and dizziness. After 3 hours i said i was sick and went back home.

My dad was mad and disappointed. My mom tried to be supportive but i only feel im a big failure and disappointment for them too. I always make them worry for me and i hate it. They must be wondering where they went wrong with me, but its not them, its me.... i should just give up completely. Why fighting? Why pushing? A donkey will never become a horse.
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Unread 07-18-2017, 04:05 AM   #5
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Default Re: The Butterfly Effect

You and I have the same thinking pattern. I'm so sorry you're struggling..
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Unread 07-18-2017, 01:37 PM   #6
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Unread 07-19-2017, 04:46 AM   #7
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Default Re: The Butterfly Effect

Thank you for your support, it means a lot to me being able to come here and say whatever is on my mind....

i have talked about it with both my mom and my T too.

my mom said maybe its so hard because of my meds and to talk with my boss.

this enlightened me. im making a mess with my meds, but maybe if i tell my boss i physically cant do it, maybe she'll fix this. she already knows im on disability. maybe i could use that.

my T said about the same. she offered to talk with my boss (they know each others) and said i need to talk with my boss too and that this problems IS fixable.

i felt so relieved. i have taken a day off today but i think tomorrow i'll go back to work and will talk with my boss. i hope this goes well, otherwise i'll quit.
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Unread 07-19-2017, 04:56 AM   #8
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Good luck with your work situation. It sounds like you needed a paradigm shift. I hope everything works out to your satisfaction. Best wishes.
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Unread 07-19-2017, 05:07 AM   #9
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I'm so happy to hear that, sinking Hope all will go weel. Give yourself a pat on the back even just for trying. You're very strong..
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Unread 07-19-2017, 08:26 AM   #10
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Default Re: The Butterfly Effect

Truthfully, i dont want to go to work anymore.

i probably will anyway, i'll force myself, but i dont see the point.

i committed to it only because i had a plan. but the plan can be changed.

i dont want to do anything. i dont see the point anymore.
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