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Unread 07-11-2017, 07:25 PM   #1
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Default This is what I think purgatory must be like

I have a clear memory of "normal" and happy. I'm tormented by that memory every second. I wait for those times to come back. I tell people here to hang on because they don't know the future. I tell myself the same thing.

Possibly, if I was bat-**** crazy, I would be in my own little world and I wouldn't remember my pre-depression life. I wouldn't have the knowledge of how long I had been crazy for. Time wouldn't matter. Nothing would matter, really. I wouldn't have to pretend to my family. I wouldn't be worried that nobody found me to be someone they want to be around.

But I'm not bat-**** crazy. I am lucid. I know that my time on earth is limited. I see the end of it. I see the exhaustion and pain and failure. I see my family liking me less and less. I see their frustration and how (more and more) I am making them unhappy. But, mostly, I see my dwindling will.

I understand that this is a place for support, but there is nothing for you to say. I prefer not to hear my own words written back to me.

So please no well-meaning thoughts, today. Things will not be different tomorrow or next week or next year. And it will be more painful to read than if you were to tell me to end it now.
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Unread 07-12-2017, 08:37 AM   #2
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Default Re: This is what I think purgatory must be like

I have no well meaning thoughts to send you....I only know too well the pain. The only way I have gotten through is by doing things I love doing. The more I do them, the more I focus on those memories...and not my stolen childhood, my abusive parents, or my rotten *** family....that really, nobody likes. I read some stories on NDE, on pergatory online...it doesn't seem near as bad. This life can be hell, that's for sure. I'd like for somebody to tell me what I did so awful, that I deserved to be abandoned, abused, kicked around, lied about, bullied, etc by the very people who were suppose to care about me...it'll never happen though. I'll never know why. So I empathize with you, and hope that maybe today, or tomorrow...that you will pick one thing you would love to do...and do it. For yourself.
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Unread 07-13-2017, 05:45 PM   #3
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Unread 07-13-2017, 07:01 PM   #4
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Default Re: This is what I think purgatory must be like

Like most here--you have endured much. Sometimes I wonder if the drugs we are given to numb us and help us cope with all the stress and worry eventually catch up to us. They help short term but the problem is really our problems. Neither of us live near our childhood friends anymore. We have wonderful memories of motherhood but perhaps we identified with it to much and lost ourselves. You still have issues with your mom. You will only feel better when you take steps toward living for yourself and building a new narrative. We have to start over and who knows if we will get far. I don't think you are seeing a therapist and vaguely remember you saying that you don't go because it wasn't working. Am I right about you no longer being in therapy? You are in a deep deep whole--I am not going to sugar coat it but you need to do something for your future. It could get better. Do you take care of your health? Do you exercise? You must summon your will. You are depressed because you are not developing a goal of some sort and working toward it. We are what we do! You must take action or it will continue to get worse. This is not the usual kind of pep talk because I care about you. Please forgive me but now that most of your kids are gone, you can concentrate on you and please don't lift your finger for your ungrateful mom....
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Unread 07-14-2017, 12:31 AM   #5
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Default Re: This is what I think purgatory must be like

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopingtrying View Post
Like most here--you have endured much. Sometimes I wonder if the drugs we are given to numb us and help us cope with all the stress and worry eventually catch up to us. They help short term but the problem is really our problems. Neither of us live near our childhood friends anymore. We have wonderful memories of motherhood but perhaps we identified with it to much and lost ourselves. You still have issues with your mom. You will only feel better when you take steps toward living for yourself and building a new narrative. We have to start over and who knows if we will get far. I don't think you are seeing a therapist and vaguely remember you saying that you don't go because it wasn't working. Am I right about you no longer being in therapy? You are in a deep deep whole--I am not going to sugar coat it but you need to do something for your future. It could get better. Do you take care of your health? Do you exercise? You must summon your will. You are depressed because you are not developing a goal of some sort and working toward it. We are what we do! You must take action or it will continue to get worse. This is not the usual kind of pep talk because I care about you. Please forgive me but now that most of your kids are gone, you can concentrate on you and please don't lift your finger for your ungrateful mom....
Feel like this is a little harsh. Have not been depressed for a while and feel like I am not relating to the depression forum like I used to. I realize your depression is one of the things taking your will away. Any baby steps you can muster could help. <<Hugs>>
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Unread 07-14-2017, 10:29 AM   #6
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Default Re: This is what I think purgatory must be like

Maybe this is what you need:
https://www.theguardian.com/commenti...wife?CMP=fb_gu
Thinking of you today.
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Unread 07-17-2017, 09:40 AM   #7
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Default Re: This is what I think purgatory must be like

Noticed you haven't been on PC for a while. Thinking of you and hoping you are OK. I am hoping you are on a relaxing vacation but concerned you are feeling to down to log in....
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Unread 07-17-2017, 10:25 AM   #8
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Default Re: This is what I think purgatory must be like

Thank you, everyone, for your comments.
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Unread 07-17-2017, 07:57 PM   #9
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