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Unread 09-09-2013, 12:33 PM   #1
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Default I have to talk myself out of "accidentally" falling down the stairs.

This morning I seriously debated the merits of throwing myself down 3 flights of stairs.

I reasoned that I could make it look like an accident.

I don't want to throw myself down the stairs, such an act could result in my death or serious paralysis, but I do want therapeutic attention.

Traditional self injury is old news; no one cares, no one pays attention, and its derisively viewed as melodramatic teenage behavior.

Ultimately, I have this longing to commit some sort of self inflicted act that shows everyone one else how much pain I'm in.

Verbal communication has failed on all fronts. I've tried, (god I've tried) to convey to various people how I'm feeling/what I'm feeling. IT.ALWAYS.BACKFIRES. Lay people become upset with me and turn my skewed emotions into something about them. Professionals stare at me with tired eyes, and automatically suggestion ANOTHER anti-depressant I should try.

No one wants to listen, and those who are paid to listen stop listening.

So I've decided to take a vow of silence, at least in regard to my emotions. No one needs to know about my overwhelming desire to give myself a broken leg, besides you anonymous internet folk.

No one needs to know.
because no one cares, until I show up with a cast on my left leg.
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Unread 09-09-2013, 01:55 PM   #2
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Default Re: I have to talk myself out of "accidentally" falling down the stairs.

vonapathy, I have found that "normal" people are not able to comphend the amount of pain some of us feel. I have found if I tell my husband about how I really feel all I do is depress him and make him feel helpless. So I don't tell him how bad I really feel. No sense us both being depressed.

I do believe my pdoc tries to understand and really wants to help, but sometimes I think he feels helpless, too, because nothing he gives me seems to work.

I do find being on Psych Central helps because I know other people here know what I'm going through. And there is something to be said by just getting how you feel out and have someone else read and understand or at least empathize.

So keep posting instead of falling down stairs. No need for that here. Just keep posting and sharing your pain. We care.
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Meds: Lexapro 10mg, Saphris 10mg, Ritalin (Methylphenidate) 10mg twice daily, Propranolol 20mg (for hand tremors) and Klonopin .5mg three times daily.

"Each morning we are born again. What we do today is what matters most." Buddha
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Unread 09-09-2013, 05:03 PM   #3
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Default Re: I have to talk myself out of "accidentally" falling down the stairs.

Originally Posted by vonapathy View Post
...I do want therapeutic attention.
...Verbal communication has failed on all fronts.
What would get the professionals' attention without sending them into a panic over you?
  • Dressing all in black for your next appointment?
  • Writing a carefully worded letter they couldn't pretend they didn't see?
  • ???
My dog mastered the "fetch" command. He would communicate he wanted something, and I would fetch it.
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