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Unread 02-05-2011, 08:04 PM   #1
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Default Please help, I feel so alone.

Hello everyone,

I'm sorry that this is going to be a long post... I need somewhere to vent, somewhere to get help. I've tried getting help on other forums but no one is answering. Just so you all know, I'm a 15 year old girl. Freshman in high school. I'm tall blonde, skinny... just background info to help you get a feel of who I am. Well, here I go.

Things started in about second grade, after a move. I started have strange, worried thoughts and was sad all the time. Eventually my mom took me to a psychologist. I was too young then to even know what was going on with me, or why I was at this place. I continued to see that doctor for a while, and soon everything got better. I stopped seeing him, and I was fine. I rarely thought of those visits again, and when I did I tried to pretend it didn't happen... It's hard to explain. It's like the older I got, the more I realized that it wasn't something normal to have done. I never told anyone about those visits, ever. I was perfectly happy though, they were just like memories I was trying to forget.

Then, the summer between 6th and 7th grade, I moved again. I hated my new school. Everyone was mean to me, prettier than me... And all of the problems I had worked so hard to get rid of started to come back again. I was depressed, even though I didn't know it then. I suffered silently for about 2/3 of a year. But by then, I had a few close friends, and I decided to tell them about what I was going through. I thought that we would be "best friends forever," and that I could trust them.

They were so supportive... despite what I was going through, I had them. They helped me, and always kept my best interest at heart. God, I was so grateful for the two of them.

At the beginning of 8th grade, things got worse. I honestly don't know why, depression is a strange thing. I had plently of nice friends, and nothing seemed to be wrong anymore, but I was constantly depressed. School was fun and easy, I guess it's something you can't understand unless you've experienced it yourself. Soon I started thinking about suicide, although not necesarily doing it... If you know what I mean. Like, I was thinking about what would happen if I DID do it, even though I knew I wasn't going to. I told my closest friend who already knew about my problems. She told me to tell my parents, which I did. They took me in to see a psychologist, who I still see now.

The new doctor prescribed me Zoloft which I'm still using now. It's been a huge help, and I've felt great up until the past few weeks or so. But before we get there, a few months ago my friendship with one of the friends I told pretty much fell apart. We had some differences, and really just aren't close anymore, but I know she is mature and she will never tell anyone. The other friend is what I'm worried about.(the one who told me to get help.) We've been so close, but ever since this school year started we've been drifting apart. She's been irritating me by little things, and I've been irritating her. We don't really tell each other much anymore, and I don't think I feel comfortable talking with her anymore... It just seems as though we can't stand each other anymore.

Although I just talked about my above friend in Freshman year, I'm backtracking a bit to the beginning of freshman year. I got sad soon after the start. School isn't that hard. I'm a straight A student usually, but this year there's one math course (Algebra 2) that is freaking me out. I know this sounds stupid, but I feel like it would be the end of the world if I don't get an A. Normally I wouldn't care so much, I don't even know why I would. Another problem is that I want an A so badly, but I have no motivation to get there... For example, when I have a quiz the next day I know I should study but I just... Don't. I don't know why.

People like me at school. They really do. But they don't like me for myself, and that I know. And the reason is that I'm never myself at school. At school I act so happy, cheerful, funny... But in reality I'm wearing a heavy mask and crying underneath it. I know how stupid this sounds, but even though I put up all those walls, I still wish someone would see behind them. I wish someone would somehow know, and come hug me and tell me that they're there for me, and that they care about me. And yet I still keep the mask on... Right now even, I'm talking to a friend on facebook. More than anything, I just want to say, "I'm depressed. I need someone. Please help me." But I don't. I can't.

I'm so alone. No one knows what I go through. As soon as I get home from school, I'm myself. I'm sad and I'm lonely. I usually sit in my room on the computer or something of the sort. It's grey outside every day.

Now I have a story that hurt me a lot. In October, I couldn't stand the loneliness. I had 2 new friends that I'd only know since late August. I needed to make a connection, to connect with some other human being and have someone care again. I told them a little about me. I told them I wasn't all right in the head, and I took medicine. I don't know exactly how it happened, but I guess I didn't really tell them how important it was. Neither of them really talked about it, and I honestly don't even know if they remember now. We haven't talked about it. It hurts me to know that I could tell someone about it and still be alone.

Here's another stupid thing that's been bothering me. I moved around a lot as a kid, I only spent 6 months in the place I was born. The other day my friend was joking around and said, "Geez, where ARE you from anyway?" Then she listed all the places I've lived, and I realized I don't even have a real home. I have no home, and that kills me.

I still see my psychologist, but I don't like talking to him. I'm going to study abroad for a semester next year, and it seems like that's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I can't wait, and it seems like the perfect escape. But in afraid if I tell my psychologist he won't let me go. Not that I would talk to him anyway, I just don't feel comfortable with him. More than anything I just want a friend who understands me and wants to help. I've had boyfriends in the past, but the relationships were hollow. They didn't know the real me. I guess I just got in them because I wanted to feel something.

Thank you for reading this. This is only a part of my story, but I don't feel like typing the rest. This is the last place I can turn to. Please help me.

PS, I know I should get a new therapist but that isn't really an option, can't really explain why.
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Unread 02-06-2011, 10:42 AM   #2
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Default Re: Please help, I feel so alone.

Hi. I wear a lot of masks too because people "like me" better that way. Guess they aren't "real" friends but they are the only ones I have. Reading your story brought me back to my last 2 years in high school (back in the ice age!) it sounded exactly like me. Except for the study abroad. I am here to listen as are others.
Just as a heads up. I used to get frustrated that I would look at my posts and see all these people who read it but no one said anything. Then I would wonder if they all thought I was too nuts to respond to or something. That's not it though. There are a lot of good listeners around here. Even if they don't say anything they are listening and that is what we need most. anyway, keep posting, we are here.
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Unread 02-06-2011, 10:45 AM   #3
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Default Re: Please help, I feel so alone.

I'm sorry you're feeling so lonely. It can be hard to wear that "mask" around your friends, just because that's what they "want". I do that a lot too. It's hard to let your guard down once you've been hurt. I wish I had something more helpful to say, but I did want to let you know that we're listening.
As she draws her final breath
Just beyond the door he'll find her
Taking her hand he softly says

For the first time you can open your eyes
And see the world without your sorrow
Where no one knows the pain you left behind
And all the peace you could never find
Is waiting there to hold and keep you
Welcome to the first day of your life

Just open up your eyes as I lay you down tonight
Safe on the other side
No more tears to cry
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Unread 02-06-2011, 11:54 AM   #4
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Default Re: Please help, I feel so alone.

I know how you feel when you say you're happy and laughing on the outside but wear a mask of pain and sorrow on the inside. That is the face of depression. I would think that if you are on the taking medicine side, your medicine is not working for you. You need to talk to your doc about that and be honest.
Highschool paired with depression can be hell. I went through it myself. True friends are hard to come by and you feel more mature emotionally than anyone else around you because of the battle you have going on inside. It is hard to trust people with this information, but I'm glad you had a good experience with that, and they did support you.
It just sounds like you're miserable and yes, it woud be the best to find a therapist you are comfortable with. If not, it's a waste of time And money and your emotions.
You will not take any steps ahead with someone you cannot Really talk with.

I was just like you at the age, being funny on the outside, and being devastated on the inside. Some learn to hide things well. As I got older I started drinking to alleviate the pain, which I hope is something you will not dabble in. It snakes down a thorny path. Think about this as you get older and more exposed to substances. You want to prepare yourself now, and get the best help you can to find a balance, to become more stable.
Im glad you were brave enough to come here and share your story. This site is a great support system and I hope you can find some support you need. Take Gentle Care. cG

"What might it be like to simply draw on your knowledge and experience of how to be with people, and to invite yourself into the fold?
To see yourself as simply another person.
Another being in the world."
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Unread 02-06-2011, 01:08 PM   #5
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Default Re: Please help, I feel so alone.

i could identify with your being so social and upbeat with ppl at school but really so depressed on the inside. i did it too cause i didn't want them to know i was "different". (so i appeared to be a social butterfly with lots of friends to hide my depression from them). like how could they understand if i told them cause depression is difficult for others to understand if they haven't walked a mile in our shoes? depression saps our mental energy too. i felt alone just like you. i really didn't know who i was cause the depression made my world full of doom and gloom. i never felt "safe".

you have done a lot to help yourself. i also encourage you to talk with your therapist about what you wrote here. if it's too hard to say it, print out what u wrote here and read it to him. my therapist helped me learn the triggers that aided my depression and caused me more depression.

and please post here..we can support you too. take care, be kind to yourself, and know you really can get better. i got help and take meds and do therapy. it has helped me so very much.
hugs to you, irish,, and welcome to pc!!!
Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle.
The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours..~Ayn Rand
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