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Old 08-16-2016, 02:36 AM #1
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Default Single again

I don't know if I am DPD but, since my wife just passed away, I am seeing how I am once again sublty looking for someone I can DEPEND on for: advice, wisdom, courage, help, a good memory, lots of cool ideas and some kind of a mother or friend. This all goes back to early childhood when I was prgrammed to depend on my 1 yr older brother. I know I am dependent but fight it a lot now that my late wife is gone. She is still here in spirit and comes to give me ideas and help BUT I want to be independent or at least interdependent and not such a worried, fearful little doormat any more. I constantly reject or ignore impulses to get involved with someone just to have a dependable or strong connection. I am not "lonely" but have a tendency towards finding HELP or support. I am willing and able to become my own "loving parent" and stop looking for the aid and emotional support of others - who will most likely become my boss and over-seer. UGH! I had enough of that when I was little. My late wife was not a boss or tyrant but I unwittingly made her into my parent and leader. Now that she's gone, I feel quite alone and empty handed about how and why to live life. I am, however, getting more and more ideas for doing things my way and on my own rather than be led or told what to do. It's fun being independent and setting my own courses. Today I went to a movie and when it ended, I went over to another room and watched another movie FREE! Then I went outside and did whatever I wanted to do WITHOUT being told what to do or led by anyone! This is a bid step for me! I feel quite happy to be led and controlled BUT not all the time! Now, it's up to me to lead and handle myself and I sure hope nobody comes along to overwhelm me and become my BOSS again! I'd love to have a loving friend and partner but I am vulnerable to becoming their doormat again - dammit! Wish me luck.......
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Old 08-16-2016, 03:23 PM #2
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Old 08-16-2016, 04:19 PM #3
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Sorry to hear of your loss, and best of luck to you in the future.
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Old 08-16-2016, 11:19 PM #4
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Today, it happened again. I became a little restless and go dressed to perhaps go walking in an air-conditioned mall (to find what?) and it hit me that, if I am whole and complete (as stated by an affirmation) I don't NEED anyone or anything so, I took off my clothes and sat in my chair allowing myself to just be - just be whole and complete - and NOT IN NEED of a distraction, attraction or anything external to my very own self (not selfish) to fill me up, take away my anxiety or make me FEEL BETTER! Dependency is very deeply rooted inside of my psych but, thanks to a few spiritual and psychological teachings, I think I'll be able (at 79) to finally just be and no longer need to have or be "something" to feel OK. This is a huge step for me and I am no longer pining for or longing for my late wife to come around and help or comfort me from the other side although I welcome her presence when she "drops by". I can see how some sages, from the past, were so very comfortable with them selves WITHOUT a flock of followers to help, teach and NEED the sage. I guess being OK just as one is is quite an accomplishment in regular human society where most of us were programmed to NEED each other for various purposes. That's why solitary confinement hurts jailed inmates more than any other thing. How's your dependency drama going?
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Old 10-16-2016, 03:05 PM #5
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wishing you wellness
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Old 10-16-2016, 03:19 PM #6
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It's nice to see you comfortable and enjoying your own company.

I often eat at a Chinese restaurant close to a retirement community. The waitress told me that all the men come in to eat alone and say they don't have any more interest in being with the women.

The women, though, would be like a school of piranha around a nice, available man like you.
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