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Old 08-03-2018, 02:21 PM   #61
Balthascar810
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Default Mooching

I could have just ordered a small coke or ordinary hot choc. But I didnt order food. My friends would have said "if you don't have money your not mooching from us ! " And if they had bought me something they wouldn't have let it be until I paid them back. Plus was our restaurant of choice.
I broke shot glasses which fell out when I opened the cupboard so technically not my fault. And not a week went by that Fred s cousin or her henchwoman brought it up. They were mostly souvenir ones from Spain etc. And shot glasses weren't easy to track down in town. I knocked a duck ornament off the shelf one week too.
I know it was just light hearted banter. Penfold. Chavvy hat. It was the hat. And I was so scatty. I guess one of you probably said that I should have money seeing I was working and I was pulling a fast one.
I would lend lunch cards off co-workers some lunchtimes at work. It wasn't often. But my friend wasn't scared to do it so why the hell not.

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Old 08-09-2018, 08:10 AM   #62
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Default Fortunate Fool.

I would never have went into health care if I had found a retail job with enough hours and colleagues who were friendly towards me. My boss could be an a^s but as Long as I got along with at least one or two people I could cope.
I said to double dutch that I would rather stand behind a till all day if I could. But then again in retail everyone knows your face eventually. So the launderette was one of my only options in a town where secrets can't stay buried for long.
It was partly luck and partly my persistence to get employment that paid off.
I knew if I could just get enough time to prove myself then most managers would give me a chance despite the fact I had been in rehab. I think most people when applying for work wouldn't state that they took anti-depressants so I couldn't be truthful.
My medication wasn't for diabetes or epilepsy. I wasn't in danger of passing out. So I wasn't putting any one in danger?
But when I stopped taking my medication, I put clients in danger. I can build up a defence but at the end of the day, It was all my fault. My stubbornness to pretend I was perfectly healthy and that I could deal with the stresses thrown my way.
I was slowly spiralling down and down. And I should have taken myself out of the hustle and bustle. I was a fool. But I had it rough for the duration of most of my life. I didn't make mistakes because of a flaw in my work ethic or character, I made the wrong decision while under immense pressure.
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Old 08-09-2018, 08:25 AM   #63
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Default Window cleaner hubby

I should have listened when you told me about your friend. That because I was intelligent I didn't have to prove myself by getting an amazing job.
But I did eventually listen. If I'd listened to start with I could have avoided some heart ache and disasters. Maybe being thrawn was a trait in my family. But it's never too late to try and make amends.
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Old 08-09-2018, 08:39 AM   #64
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Default Criminal

Hospital is not like prison. But In my case I really could have benefited from time away from the ghosts and memories. Somewhere that nobody knew me. But the reality is not so simple. What comes first? I needed money for a deposit to rent. So I needed a job to get that money before I moved. I could get a job some where else. But In my hometown it would be no easy feat. I wasn't officially a criminal. But I felt similar to it.
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Old 08-09-2018, 08:44 AM   #65
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Default The poison dwarf

The hospital was next to a busy main road. If I could have hidden in the garage bathroom long enough, I could wait for largest long haul Lorry and that would end it.
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Old 08-09-2018, 01:51 PM   #66
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Default Sickie eggs. I forgive you.

I can't imagine that the stunt you pulled was your doing alone. I had been out the spot light for years. As far as I was concerned I was not living but existing. I guess the split between me and Fred had caused more waves than I knew. I thought that everyone just felt sympathy for me. And you were just drunk in downtown.
As much as it pains me to say I don't think that anyone at the sports club would have condoned something of that magnitude. I was a kid! Maybe only 6 and not 7. And that memory was the bane of my life. What did I do to deserve bringing up something that far back? It was intended to hit me where it hurt. Yes it hurt. How could I possibly ignore something so malicious.
I was a train wreck! I thought you all saw me as just an idiot not worth bothering with.
But I do realise that you possible didn't know how ill I had been. I forgave you because of this. It was drastic. But forgivable.

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Old 08-09-2018, 03:04 PM   #67
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Default Jolly boy

I never felt like I mattered. Nobody would miss me at the bottom of their hearts. So the hospital only confirmed my suspicions. I was halfway towards erasing myself from everyone's life now. The second time, I was three quarters the way there. I told people not to come and in time they stopped coming. The truth was out. The truth only made me more lonely. And not everyone believed my truth. What was I supposed to do now?
Get yourself back out there said one nurse. You are young. I put my relationship and my pride before my social life. I was still suffering from my first detainment!
I tried everything I thought I should be doing: exercise, a job I hated, cooking, routine, being a good wife since I owed Fred for standing by me. I was shattered the years I spent in launderette. I didn't get much spare time! Work all week. I was never alone come the weekend. And I didn't read for fun. I was looking for answers.
If I can't even hold down a job?? Then no ordinary person would want to get to know me. My up.bringing told me that no one likes " a sponger " I knew people were wary of me. And my illness was not without it's baggage. I was damaged goods.
When Fred said I was lucky to have a man like him, I believed it to some degree. But it wasn't him alone that shared this view. So I only thought he was expressing the common belief. He never complimented me. Except when he felt amorous at bed time. He let his work mate believe that I was a sex pest. But Fred never ever ever went to bed early. He would fall asleep on the couch and if he could, he would have held his eyes open with match sticks. I think he took " I'll sleep.when I'm dead " too seriously. Even if he had a cold, he wouldn't rest. He would rather go to the pub and drink, than play football or hit the gym. We always spoke to people when out.
He would have been tired at work some Mondays. Because we drunk a good bit at weekends and went out. And Fred didn't know the definition of relax. Sex had nothing to do with it. If it was a weekday, chances are he wanted to know what happened at the end of a late film or programme. He wasn't good at switching off. The same work mate called him a "worrier." He snapped at me right away all the time and he said that he had to be quick on the draw when out with his pals, with "comebacks." He never let anything go. He had to win and be top dog.
And he was a grafter that's true. He tried to tell me that he calculated all the material costs in his head at work and never used the till or calculator.
My mum and dad warned me that if the people you hang around with have a reputation, you will be tarred with same brush. But I was a relationship person who didn't believe in one night stands. I think my craving for excitement was down to the bi polar and that wall I built.
For Fred " Chilling out" was for stoners and wasters and lay abouts. For spoilt as fuk college people. For idlers. Like his cousin who drove his grandparents to an early grave. We went a walk on the beach and I had to sit down on the massive breeze blocks and I got my marching orders. He ordered a litre of ice cream one time and ate it all in five minutes.
I was listening to my iPod in his parents conservatory when he was still there. And he called me something like an "ignorant cow". So I made sure I spoke and wasn't ignorant in future. His younger sister did say I was mad. I could handle mad. That was accurate. Mental, psycho,insane. Not so much. Mad was putting it mildly and the benefit of the doubt really. Don't worry yourself lass.
We ran out of places to go at night. Endless drives and him speaking about fighting. We were getting too old for this. His mum said we would get bored just the two of us at some point. Even when I first met Fred he was 22 and going around with a gang and their boy racer cars. There wasn't many cliques around like theirs. They were the men about town.
Someone like you, he would say. I would say elaborate that for me if I felt brave enough or fed up and stressed enough. What is someone like me? What does it mean? But I never got a full answer. What was I now? What was the first thought that Crossed people's minds when they saw or spoke about me? I had to shut it out.

Last edited by Balthascar810; 08-09-2018 at 05:24 PM..
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Old 08-10-2018, 04:50 AM   #68
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Default Strawberries - not your fault

Quote:
Originally Posted by Balthascar810 View Post
I would never have went into health care if I had found a retail job with enough hours and colleagues who were friendly towards me. My boss could be an a^s but as Long as I got along with at least one or two people I could cope.
I said to double dutch that I would rather stand behind a till all day if I could. But then again in retail everyone knows your face eventually. So the launderette was one of my only options in a town where secrets can't stay buried for long.
It was partly luck and partly my persistence to get employment that paid off.
I knew if I could just get enough time to prove myself then most managers would give me a chance despite the fact I had been in rehab. I think most people when applying for work wouldn't state that they took anti-depressants so I couldn't be truthful.
My medication wasn't for diabetes or epilepsy. I wasn't in danger of passing out. So I wasn't putting any one in danger?
But when I stopped taking my medication, I put clients in danger. I can build up a defence but at the end of the day, It was all my fault. My stubbornness to pretend I was perfectly healthy and that I could deal with the stresses thrown my way.
I was slowly spiralling down and down. And I should have taken myself out of the hustle and bustle. I was a fool. But I had it rough for the duration of most of my life. I didn't make mistakes because of a flaw in my work ethic or character, I made the wrong decision while under immense pressure.
I will start by saying you were right to be sceptical about me jumping ship. Over all you were trying to help.
And it wasn't your fault in the slightest that I didn't quit at the new company. It was my fault. I made the decision based on my past history.

Last edited by Balthascar810; 08-10-2018 at 05:19 AM..
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Old 08-10-2018, 05:49 AM   #69
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Default Against the tide

I considered leaving the new company when it came to the trial run on the field. I should have admitted I was swimming against the tide.
The majority of youngsters had worked in a home and had experience, or had studied nursing and had kids too.
But Fred would say extreme things such as : if I didn't help with bills he would end up a hermit because he would have to pay everything and have no spare money to go out. And if I left him, I may as well put a noose around his neck. So If I quit I would be putting all this pressure on Fred.

Last edited by Balthascar810; 08-10-2018 at 06:06 AM..
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Old 08-11-2018, 05:12 AM   #70
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Default Ship sheep hector dirty dancing

One of them who move a street away from their parents. I have a hunch you meant the other girls surname.
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