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Old 08-18-2018, 03:51 PM   #91
Balthascar810
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Default Do as we say, not as we do

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Originally Posted by Balthascar810 View Post
I should have quit but I felt like a disappointment. And the truth of the matter was, there was a drought of opportunity where I stayed. I had ran out of options. This was the only other job aside from retail that I was certain to get considered for. This is what happens to drop outs. Many a nursing degree drop outs I came across.

After being stuck in a back room working with one other lady for nearly 4 years, I didn't realise how on edge I was. My nervousness made other people nervous!
To do this work you had to be made of stern stuff. And I had quit or not lasted at jobs in the past. My track record was truly awful. So if I hadn't been paid off in the past I would have followed my voice of reason. After my college course where I shook giving a talk I should have known, that it was a bad idea.
It was only after my breakdown that I felt like I was on the outside looking in or was it? If I stayed in when at high school it was often my own choice. Everything revolved around body image and sex. And alcohol. And sex.
I had a spell of being inbetween friends. And like I said before I didn't devote myself to this new crowd. We had nowhere to go. The two who asked me to hang around with them, got jilted at the youth cafe. When they found somewhere to go it was an older gang of guys. And I was forbidden from going because my parents knew everything about them. They spoke to and were friendly with most of their parents. But I was fore warned if I set foot in their haunt, that my life wouldn't be worth living.
So luckily I had kept going with martial arts. And I had some where to place my restless energy. And I could forget about feeling left out. I was in a sullen and gloomy mood teaching one time and didn't try and hide it. And I was pulled aside. I felt like I was just the "best of the rest." I was just in the right place at the right time when a gap to help came up. I was a late comer to teaching. Because of my confidence issues. I still hung around with friends. And I met them at the park at the weekend. But I made myself scarce when it was the same old, same old and they thought I was strange. They knew my parents were strict but one of my pals mum's was also very strict but she introduced her older boyfriend and her mum agreed and didn't oppose as she always knew where she was so my pal was happy. It wasn't just my parents who were strict, my grandparents had a huge influence on me too. I was under pressure to do well.
It's a little sad that my Grandad never met my nephew or niece. He would have been besotted. My Granny loved seeing the wee monkeys face when he peeped through the hatch saying look at you cheeky chops.

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Old 08-19-2018, 03:24 PM   #92
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Default I knew they were screwed

Medication aside, I had a feeling that they were one of the ones that had a bleak chance of a recovery. I didn't see the point of telling them to take their medication. So I made some practical suggestions. And gave them some hope. Maybe it was false hope and I could have been a bit more realistic. But I am not a doctor. I just suggested some distractions for in the mean time. And I had lurked on that site for a good year at least. And there were people who were clearly very unwell, but their diaries and stories were fascinating to me and I could make sense of them. I was bi-polar type one my self after all. I could probably make sense of some of their inner workings easier than someone much smarter than me, for the reason I had been through similar myself.
But It's hard to accept that some people will not be well and able to live independent lives. Even though they describe their past and current situations in a very creative and insightful way, they still cannot handle the outside world and the stimuli that most people take for granted.
And mental illness is debilitating. Like a physical illness there is good days but there are bad days and even worse days. And some people won't respond to medication. Nobody thought I would work again. And If someone has a day where they need to get lost in their suffering, and be self indulgent and want to find others who feel their despair, then they need it. I should realise that some people simply cannot function adequately with their conditions.
I had seen lost souls in the hospital but I guess I assumed that most people on forums were like me. I was always looking for more than just health advice.

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Old 08-20-2018, 07:28 AM   #93
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Default Texting texting 123, plank

It was Scottish slang on text. I abbreviated like any other high schooler. Believe me Indian beer would have let me know if it wasn't in an instant. She would never miss that type of opportunity.
When I started teaching, I was rushed off my feet.
I thought it was ATM typing. It was too fast to be you. Why would I speak to a stranger on MSN? I was more normal than you. I spoke to my friends, my families friends and I only spoke to people I knew on MSN.
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Old 08-20-2018, 09:25 AM   #94
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Default Pub Sports

When I said that Fred compared our parents, I didn't mean that I said anything bad about his because I didn't. When we first met I didn't mean to let his sister hear me call them hoarders. The house was clean as a whistle.
Its because my parents and grandparents were TOO obsessed with housework and tidying up. And no clutter allowed. My dad got that peeved off after work one day when a jacket fell down in a cupboard that I had to get it from the bin when he lost his temper. Then he decided to rip EVERYTHING out the cupboard, smacked me on the way past and ordered me to sort the cupboard out and put it all back. I said that it wasn't my fault and he smacked me again and told me to do it or else. He flew off the handle at the drop of a pin. They were that hungover one weekend I got forced to Hoover when I was about ten or less and I nearly got electrocuted when I went over the fridge cable that had worn away. There was real smoke. And of course I was made out to be dumb. Use your fuking eyes next time.

The only thing I moaned was that Fred didn't like the way I cooked stovies compared to his mum! There is no gravy in stovies!
Fred and me would just be talking over tea and he'd say his parents only went to families houses some weekends and they didn't really drink or go to pubs at all. His mum's liver cirrohsis was just passed down by genes and she never drank. A buck's fizz at Xmas can't even call that now and again. This was true. I didn't need Fred to enforce how bad my parents were for drinking and shirking responsibility. But I knew how to deal with my angry feelings better than Fred despite this.
It was Freds work colleague that said my parents local was a cliquey boozer. My parents threw away all their hard work bringing us up like they were trying to make up for lost time. They were out a lot anyway when we were young too. They just got worse as we got older. They would play darts In the house and have a few if they stayed in. And if Gran and Grandad weren't babysitting it was other people.
But I spoke to a nurse who saw me after rehab/hospital and they said it's amazing how alcohol takes a hold of a person, just like drugs and some people can't have just a relaxing couple of drinks. And drinking was a bit of sport to them. 5 pint Harry. How many drams can that bloke get out of one tin of coke. 6 vodkas from one tin. That takes practice. Round of applause.

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Old 08-20-2018, 10:25 AM   #95
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Default What? You have the same as me.

I had been out with my friends. I was eighteen. Home was an upstairs flat so I took my boots off before climbing the stairs to muffle the clacking of heels.Is the key in the other side of the door so mine won't fit in? Of course it was.
I put my boots down in the lobby. My parents were silent as they had been asleep in bed. They were murmering and in came David first followed by my mother.

Where you been little girl? Said David
Look at that top? What a fuking tramp. Said my mother.
Slutting around like your pal no doubt. She says.
She doesna have a mind f her fuking own. David adds.
David then pulls me up and I kick out of reflex.
Look. He says. Wet socks. Must have been outside.You ARE a fuking tramp. I push him off me. We fight for a few minutes and I am too drunk and tired but he gives up and I sit on the bed. And my mother slaps me across the face, it's not drastically hard but she has to have the final blow: YOU she shouts through gritted teeth, and puts her face as close as she can, and spits at me, YOU are now...nothing...NOTHING ..
YOU ...ARE.. A...***** !

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Old 09-09-2018, 04:13 PM   #96
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Default My sport gave me an identity

Sometimes in the supermarket Fred would insist we take a basket instead of a trolley so he could lift everything. Carry the crate under one arm and basket in another.
He did want to build up his body, a bit of muscular definition. I caught him flexing his pectorial muscles the mirror a lot. But he wouldn't go to the gym on his own . I saw him play football one time when he stood in for a team who were short of a player and he stuck out like a sore thumb. For a brief minute I thought it's because he was tall and gangly compared to some of the lads but truth be told he wasn't a natural in knowing where to place himself on the pitch. And I never saw him get the ball once in all the time me and and a pal watched. But if he didn't play all the time then of course he wouldn't be confident.
And when the kickboxing team asked me to bring Fred along I thought it was because their club was a family orientated type of place because when I had a trial week a couple who met at the club were getting married for example. And they probably knew Freds reputation too. That he could benefit from kickboxing to channel some of that angry streak.
Fred boasted that he was the only one to speak to "bonny feets" brother when his girlfriend passed. She always waved to us when we were In the car. Fred maybe was a "deep" thinker in some ways and wasn't afraid of harsh realities. So in a way we were opposites. I was the romantic dreamer and he was the down to earth one.

I liked the atmosphere at the club and they were a really friendly and welcoming place. They were impressed at my back kick. But I could never have revived my fighting spirit and got back to training. I didn't know at the time that I couldn't completely come off my medication. I put on a front, I'm doing comp therapies at college be the team physio. It was simply banter. And I spoke about films like "ong bak". And I met the club owner and he wanted me to be a part of the club. But Fred was so cold and told me what's the point, they were just "posers".

And I felt bad that I was deserting my old club in a way. Exiled was the reality. I taught classes and competed, and shared the highs of rubbing shoulders with the British Olympic Team. Even I wasn't audacious enough to switch sides and share what I had learnt with them and from my old instructors. It did not feel right.

My doctor had tapered my meds down and down. And it was as low as 5mg I think. But she didn't say it was highly un likely or even impossible for me to be medication free anymore. My drinking was self medicating in a way after all.
I missed the gym. It gave me an identity at school when I felt like I was on the periphery of my gang of friends.

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Old 09-09-2018, 04:37 PM   #97
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Default Thanks black and red

Your still young enough to compete. Thank you for being so encouraging. But I wanted to keep practicing but I did not have it in me to get back in the ring.
I will always feel a connection to the gym I spent close to a decade in. Keeping me off the streets and giving me a sense of belonging to something when my friends didn't quite fill that gap. So I couldn't have shared my martial arts knowledge with their different style. I wouldn't have done that. It did not feel right.
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Old 09-09-2018, 04:46 PM   #98
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Default Exiled

Fred if you weren't such a hoarder then I may not have rocketed through town battered to shreds and turn up at the gym looking like a soldier in the Vietnam war . Mersey doing stretches just looks up smiling, not even bemused. Me eight foot tall blood down my arms and legs. Yes blood on knees, calves, elbows, face. Nobody even questioning if I was losing my grip on reality.
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Old 09-14-2018, 09:17 AM   #99
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Default I am innocent.

That's a bad person.
Your sister told her kids
You fell out with
Your best bud.
You SHOULD have told
Your sister the truth.
Even though you called
Them your b!tch of a sis.
You let her believe an
Innocent person was
Not only guilty,
But let her blacken
My name and character.
This is why I was
More than desperate
To leave my hometown.
But in a twisted sense,
Her comment she said
In the passing
Stayed with me.
I didn't realise until then
That she blamed me.
I thought it was obvious
Seeing that I had been
Working that it was
Freds cousins fault.

Your sister and mum
Most likely told
Everyone that you
Could have choked
On your vomit that night.
You really could have.
I didn't realise how
Serious it was till after.
I was working from 2 til 10.
I never knew how
Much you had drunk
And when you begun
Drinking that day.
And for all I know
You may have taken something.
You should come clean.
That was some mess
For alcohol alone
But not impossible
For only alcohol.
And I would have checked on you
Before I went to bed.
I felt guilty and reflected.
I doubt your big shot buddy
Who treated you like
A lap dog sometimes gave it
Much of a thought.
Why would you sit back
And watch an innocent
Person be condemned?
Especially after you knew
I had been to hospital rehab.
I don't get it.
I know your sis would
Have told Everyone
She possibly could have.
I suppose I assumed
That sisters have a
Special bond most of the time.
And you were closer.
In any case I think,
You have to face this.
Goodbye and good tidings.

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Old 09-15-2018, 06:47 AM   #100
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Default College in 2006

I applied to a drama course that involved dancing. Why had I let my friends get to me. Then I decided that my family would hit the roof so I applied to the Health and Fitness course. But then I revoked that too because I had a hunch that Mersey would be doing one similar until she was ready to move away for the big time. And it would be awkward if we shared any classes seeing as we practically "hated each other" said a student out loud one time. And I was right they went for a sport and Fitness course. Then I went into hospital for 28 days to protect me from killing myself after a botched suicide attempt.

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