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Old 02-12-2019, 12:32 PM #1
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Default Anger At People who Made It Worse

This thread contains mentions of extreme violence and abuse. Please proceed with caution.

Lately I've been thinking and getting angry at my ex's mom. When we were together and he was abusing me, getting back into drugs and drinking alcohol, not going to see his psychiatrist etc, I would text his mom to inform her of his actions. At the time he and I lived in an apartment together and his parents paid the rent.

She would call him immediately and say "KD told me you bought drugs". He would then get mad at me.

One time he decided to use my phone to type out a message telling her I made a mistake and that he didn't buy drugs. He wanted her to believe I wrote the message. He said they were going to take him out of college if they found out. He badgered me into letting him do it, and after he did I discretely emailed her to tell her it wasn't me who wrote and sent it. She immediately called him and said "KD just emailed me to tell me it was you who sent the message" . I was pretty scared he was going to beat me.

The last day of our relationship, when he beat me and threatened to strangle me, I texted her to beg her to call the cops. She called me to ask what was happening. He pulled the phone away from me and broke it. She then called his phone and told him she called the cops because I texted her. He hung up on her and then backhanded me across face.

It was her fault I got hit. I'm still mad at her. She was incredibly stupid to do that. She almost got me killed. I want to get past this and learn to not be angry anymore. How do I do this?
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Old 02-12-2019, 01:16 PM #2
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Default Re: Anger At People who Made It Worse

I'm so sorry you've been through all of this, KD1980 I agree it wasn't a very smart behavior of her. Perhaps she's had good intentions, but she ended up hurting you in the process. Just know that it's perfectly ok to be angry right now. It's normal. I don't think supressing your emotions is a good idea, after all you can't fully control them. I'd suggest to just accept the fact that you're angry right now. The sooner you accept it, the sooner you'll be able to move on, I believe. If you feel ike it's too overwhelming for you, try to find some distractions. What do you like to do in your free time? Do you have any hobbies? Anything that could help you distract you for a short while. I'm so sorry, I know it's hard. Do you see a therapist? Maybe that could help. You could learn new ways to cope with your emotions, if you haven't already. Forgiveness isn't easy. It takes a long time. Don't rush it. As long as you keep it in check, it's ok. I'd suggest to try yoga, if you haven't already. I know it has been very helpful to some people. Is there anything we can do to help you? Please let us know. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you
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Old 02-12-2019, 04:53 PM #3
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Default Re: Anger At People who Made It Worse

First off, I am SO terribly sorry for what you had to endure! This is horrible!!!!

I do have a slightly different take on it, however, and please excuse my straight forward manner of talking.... I say this with compassion.

So my take is that his mother may have thought she was helping you by telling her son she had called the police. My guess is that your text must have scared her enough to call the police on him. She probably also got really scared when the phone was grabbed from you and she lost contact with you. She probably also thought it would scare him to tell him that the police were contacted.

So another angle is: it was your ex who hit and beat you, not his mother. I think your anger is misdirected here.

He's the one to be irate with... he's the one responsible for beating you. He's the one who deserves all your rage, anger and disgust. His mother is not responsible for any of it. For all you know, what she told her son may have even scared him from doing worse and may have even saved you!!!

Just another angle to consider.... again, I am so terribly sorry. I am sure you've been through the wringer because of this.... HUGS.

If you have not already, I would seek the assistance of a counselor to help you to manage your anger and feelings over this horrendous incident. I can't imagine what you must be feeling about it so some professional support around this would really help.
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Old 02-12-2019, 05:52 PM #4
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Default Re: Anger At People who Made It Worse

Quote:
Originally Posted by golden_eve View Post
First off, I am SO terribly sorry for what you had to endure! This is horrible!!!!

I do have a slightly different take on it, however, and please excuse my straight forward manner of talking.... I say this with compassion.

So my take is that his mother may have thought she was helping you by telling her son she had called the police. My guess is that your text must have scared her enough to call the police on him. She probably also got really scared when the phone was grabbed from you and she lost contact with you. She probably also thought it would scare him to tell him that the police were contacted.

So another angle is: it was your ex who hit and beat you, not his mother. I think your anger is misdirected here.

He's the one to be irate with... he's the one responsible for beating you. He's the one who deserves all your rage, anger and disgust. His mother is not responsible for any of it. For all you know, what she told her son may have even scared him from doing worse and may have even saved you!!!

Just another angle to consider.... again, I am so terribly sorry. I am sure you've been through the wringer because of this.... HUGS.

If you have not already, I would seek the assistance of a counselor to help you to manage your anger and feelings over this horrendous incident. I can't imagine what you must be feeling about it so some professional support around this would really help.
Yes, I am in therapy.

Well, the reason I see it my way is because after we broke up, she treated me callously. I think she was just using me as a tool to keep my son on the right path. She wanted him to stay away from his ex (who he did drugs with) and if I was in the picture he wouldn't go back to her.

While he was in the hospital, she asked me if she could pay me to clean up the apartment because he trashed it. She didn't even care about my mental trauma or health. She just thought to use me as a maid because it was convenient. I was so hurt by that. Her son tried to kill me.....and she wanted me to clean up after him.

I don't think she cared about me at all.
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Old 02-12-2019, 05:57 PM #5
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Default Re: Anger At People who Made It Worse

So do you mean that after this incident, your ex went to the hospital and it was then that his mother asked you to clean his apartment?
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Old 02-12-2019, 06:37 PM #6
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Omg I am so sorry. Yes she sounds as horrible and likely as abusive as her criminal son. Yes you are right that she didn’t care about you. Did you expect that she would? I hope you pressed charges against him and he was properly prosecuted. Otherwise he likely does the same to other women. Hope you separate yourself from these horrible people.
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Old 02-12-2019, 07:28 PM #7
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Yes, if she actually asked you to clean his apt after this incident and after knowing you called her for help??? That's deplorable and despicable behavior on her part. Divine makes an excellent point Did you press charges?
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Old 02-13-2019, 01:16 PM #8
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Default Re: Anger At People who Made It Worse

Quote:
Originally Posted by golden_eve View Post
So do you mean that after this incident, your ex went to the hospital and it was then that his mother asked you to clean his apartment?


Yes, that is what happened.
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Old 02-13-2019, 01:23 PM #9
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Yes, if she actually asked you to clean his apt after this incident and after knowing you called her for help??? That's deplorable and despicable behavior on her part. Divine makes an excellent point Did you press charges?
I filed a police report against him. The cop told me he wanted to take him to jail, but he was so high the cop said he'd do better in a hospital. His parents are rich and I knew I couldn't fight them in court. They'd hire a great lawyer and I didn't want to further traumatize myself by seeing him in court. They would have claimed i used him for the apartment. At that point I just wanted to get away. I didn't have enough support at the time to go through the court process.


I know people will say I should have, but I really hope no one victim blames me. It was awful to live through that, and I wish I had the inner strength at the time to see him put in jail. No one supported me at the time, and even my own "family" victim blamed me.
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Old 02-13-2019, 05:31 PM #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KD1980 View Post
I filed a police report against him. The cop told me he wanted to take him to jail, but he was so high the cop said he'd do better in a hospital. His parents are rich and I knew I couldn't fight them in court. They'd hire a great lawyer and I didn't want to further traumatize myself by seeing him in court. They would have claimed i used him for the apartment. At that point I just wanted to get away. I didn't have enough support at the time to go through the court process.


I know people will say I should have, but I really hope no one victim blames me. It was awful to live through that, and I wish I had the inner strength at the time to see him put in jail. No one supported me at the time, and even my own "family" victim blamed me.
I'm SO sorry. No wonder you feel the way you do!!! I would sick to my stomach and just outraged at both their behavior.

Hard to go through court when you have no support. You probably did the best thing for yourself at the time, exercising good self-care tactics. I think that was smart, given the trauma. I also understand wanting him in jail for it too.

I am glad you have a professional therapist. What does he/she suggest for you?
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