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Old 12-26-2018, 02:18 AM #1
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Unhappy Painful thoughts/feelings from a video game

First off, I apologize for the wall of text. Anyways, here goes.



Those that know me well enough know that I sometimes use gaming as a way to escape from pain or sometimes just life in general. This was especially true some years back when I was at my lowest point.


About 4-5 years ago, I watched my own mother pass away and had to deal with the reality that I was flat out abused. About a year later, the first time I ever fell in love with a girl turned out to be tragic because she found out I had hacking knowledge and wanted to use me to ruin people that hurt her (which I didn't do thankfully). I was dealing with unbearable pain and would use gaming as a way to escape. It wasn't uncommon for me to play games between 8-12 hours or more a day just so I didn't have to deal with the real world or my issues.


Anyways, to get to my point, I normally limit my gaming to online games, because I work and go to school and online games are less of a time sink for me. I can get off them any time and don't play more than 3-4 hours a day on school days. Not to mention, because I am really good at them. However, that's changed recently. I started a playthrough of a single player game that I played when it first came out back in 2015 (when I was going through some of the worst of my issues). I figured why not put my new high end gaming PC to work and play a graphically intense game on 2k resolution maxed settings for the first time in my life?


The game in question is Witcher 3. Been playing online Gwent and almost made pro rank on it so why not get a nice change of pace and enjoy a single player open world story-driven RPG? Played it for over 80 hours in 1 week. Even played it on the hardest difficulty since I tend to demolish single player games due to how easy most of them are for me so I can drag it out because it's such a beautiful work of art and the characters are so likeable. When I first played it back in 2015, I found myself immersing entirely into it and fantasizing about going on adventures and being with one of the female characters you can romance in the game, wishing I had somebody to show me love like the girl shows your character. Not to mention, the characters in the game are so realistic, complete with their own personalities and feelings. I sometimes wish I had people with such colorful, true to life personalities, to have fun and live it up with without a care in the world.


Anyways, I finished the game on the hardest difficulty and for the first time in awhile, I cried like a baby. I almost never cry anymore probably because my heart has turned black as coal from all of the crap I've been through but I felt emotions other than anger and bitterness for the first time in a long time.



Also the game brought back some painful memories of both my step father that passed away last year and of my former best friend that abandoned me thanks to giving into his abusive relative that didn't want me in his life. I miss my friend and my step father dearly because they both were a big part of my life and support back when I was going through the pain and the heartbreak. Most of the time, I feel nothing for anybody, not even people that I am supposed to care about. But this game has made me feel genuine longing.


Why?

Last edited by Anonymous52222; 12-26-2018 at 02:32 AM.
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Old 12-26-2018, 04:21 AM #2
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Default Re: Painful thoughts/feelings from a video game

Everyone has its own emotional reactions and its own ways to cope with the loss of his/her loved ones, DarknessIsMyFriend. I know lots of people who cry at games or movies, so I'd say that's perfectly normal, especially since videogames have been such a big part of your life. I think it's good to let go of our feelings once in a while, so good for you! Sending many hugs to you
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Old 12-26-2018, 12:27 PM #3
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Default Re: Painful thoughts/feelings from a video game

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Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky View Post
Everyone has its own emotional reactions and its own ways to cope with the loss of his/her loved ones, DarknessIsMyFriend. I know lots of people who cry at games or movies, so I'd say that's perfectly normal, especially since videogames have been such a big part of your life. I think it's good to let go of our feelings once in a while, so good for you! Sending many hugs to you

That's the thing though. I hardly ever have emotional reactions to anything. I'm somebody who could watch a really messed up scene on a movie that most people would find disturbing and feel nothing. I feel nothing towards other's suffering or for people in general. All I care about is my own survival.


Yet, I actually felt something for the characters in that game. I also fantasize sometimes about being with that cute red head girl from that series and going on adventures with her and taking on the world and protecting her and weird stuff like that.


IDK anymore. This emotional stuff is confusing and pointless.
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Old 12-26-2018, 12:51 PM #4
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Default Re: Painful thoughts/feelings from a video game

You said it, Darkness. Emotions, sad to say, can't be logically controlled and boy are they powerful. I don't think the emotions will kill you though...

Something new for you. Maybe something that's emerging or trying to emerge.

((((MANY MANY HUGS)))) Hang in there...
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Old 12-26-2018, 12:56 PM #5
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Default Re: Painful thoughts/feelings from a video game

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Originally Posted by Mopey View Post
You said it, Darkness. Emotions, sad to say, can't be logically controlled and boy are they powerful. I don't think the emotions will kill you though...

Something new for you. Maybe something that's emerging or trying to emerge.

((((MANY MANY HUGS)))) Hang in there...

I admit, it would be nice if I wasn't such a heartless bastard. It would be kinda cool to connect with people emotionally.


Alas, all I think I'm capable of at this point is cognitive empathy. I just don't "feel" other's suffering even though I understand it logically because I've been through it myself.
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Old 12-26-2018, 01:04 PM #6
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Default Re: Painful thoughts/feelings from a video game

Maybe you've had enough suffering of your own to last a lifetime. maybe you don't have to take on others' suffering right now.
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