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Old 12-08-2018, 02:13 PM   #1
randomer123
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Default A weird thing I do

I'm probably not looking for answers to this, as I'm sure nobody else has this problem. Just trying to understand it a bit more by writing it out.

I've already wrote about my problem with obsessions:
Nervousness over something stupid

This is related to these obsessions, there's another part to them that I really don't understand. Like most people, I daydream/fantasise about having the things I want. This is normal and makes sense. These daydreams are positive and make me feel good. But I also have as many negative daydreams about them, and this is what doesn't make sense. They are the same in that I have the object that I'm obsessed with and want but they have one of these negative themes:
  • The object gets broken, damaged or stolen and I am upset about it
  • I abuse the object and dont care
  • I abuse the object and it breaks and then I get upset

These leave me with negative emotions/feelings which I obviously don't want.

Sometimes I don't have the object in the daydream and I'm talking to someone. I tell them I hate the obsession object for whatever reason, and they agree with me. This also feels negative because I don't hate the object, I'm just pretending to (denying that I like want it I suppose?) These ones have just strted recently in the last 4 years or so.

I don't understand it because obviously I like and want the object, so why would I enjoy fantasising about abusing it, or that it broke by accident. And if I had the object I obviously wouldn't do those things to it.

This has been really bad recently, with this current obsession, because I can't have it. And same with the one before. And last night I had a really bad one, and I found it hard to stop. In this daydream I had the object, and it got damaged, and I got upset, which made me really upset. Then I went on to destroy the object but I managed to stop myself there and told myself "no". Then I went to bed. When I woke up this morning I couldn't helping having that daydream again but as it got to the "destroy" part I changed it to positive and fixed it and everything was OK. But still, the feelings before that were negative enough.

In the past some of these obsessions I've been able to buy, then those sort of daydreams stop. But theres yet another type of negative daydream that I have with obsessions objects I have and ones I can't have. I've been having a lot of these recently, with the current obsession. These involve making other (random) people think I abused the object (or going to) but I don't. These are the themes:
  • I'm with some people and I'm going to do something that will harm the object but then don't
  • I'm talking to people and telling them about object and make it sound like I'm doing something that harms the object
  • I'm talking about it on a fictional online forum and write something that sounds like I harm the object
These don't cause so much negative feelings, actually most of the time they don't make me feel bad at all, but they don't make sense. Also what makes this worse is that I really do say those things about objects I do have (lying). For instance a few years ago I started a new obsession and daydreamed about the object but it was something small and easy to buy so I just bought it. On a forum I wrote about it and lied about how I did various bad things. I did get some reactions, but mostly people didn't care. After that obsession ended I felt stupid and didn't understand why I said those things when I didn't do them. I would never have done them to an obsession object. Sometimes I wonder is it the reaction of other people that I enjoy? But since it's mostly daydreams and fictional then I'm not getting that reaction. I have to make up the other peoples reactions myself.

It's really weird and I have no idea why I do it, and these fantasies/daydreams just happen without me choosing to do it. I do understand the positrive thoughts about them but not all these negative ones.

This current obsession, I do some really horrible things to it in my daydreams, but if I had one I'd never do any of those things, ever. But I probably would go on certain forums and talk about it and lie that I do abuse it, and enjoy it. I don't know why! But I can never have this object so I wont be able to do that anyway.

I feel so stupid about these thoughts, they make no sense at all.
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Old 12-09-2018, 11:56 AM   #2
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Default Re: A weird thing I do

What generally is the connection (if any) between an object and your self-image and those around you?

So, for example, in the other thread you mentioned the Thunderbirds and that you watched them with your dad. What if anything might your interest in the Thunderbirds relate in any way to your relationship with your dad?

Or what if anything does your interest in the Thunderbirds (you mentioned that it was weird for a girl to have this interest) say about you?
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Old 12-09-2018, 02:23 PM   #3
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Default Re: A weird thing I do

I'm so sorry you're struggling, randomer123 Those seems like hard fantasies to interpret. I agree that perhaps they have something to do with your self-image and how you perceive yourself. Unfortunately I don't have a lot of advice to give. Do you see a therapist? Perhaps that could help interpret these daydreams. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this
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Old 12-10-2018, 04:12 AM   #4
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Default Re: A weird thing I do

I don't think it has anything to do with anyone else as these obsessions have nothing in common like that. It wasn't so much that I watched Thunderbirds with my dad, he was just watching it, it was on, I took an interest in it and became obsessed.

The self image idea might make more sense, the only thing these obsessions have in common is my feelings around them. They are intense and go far beyond normal interest/obsession. And these negative daydreams, I just can't figure them out.

I understand the positive ones, it's just me fantasising about having something I can't have. That makes perfect sense. But to have the objects in the daydreams and abuse them seems to be going in the opposite direction? Why would I enjoy something negative, I don't understand.
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Old 12-11-2018, 11:42 AM   #5
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Default Re: A weird thing I do

I've been thinking about this a lot last night and today. And I think it's definitely about the reaction of the other people. I actually had one of these daydreams last night which was very intense, and the object got destroyed. I enjoyed that, but I enjoyed a fake characters reaction even more.

I thought maybe its some attention seeking thing, but I don't do it with anything else, just with these stupid obsessions. In fact I'm usually opposite, I'm introverted and avoid attention. I definitely don't go seeking it or trying to show off or anything. But when I have an obsession object I do write things on online forums, thats all.

And why do I enjoy provoking a negative reaction from people? Why can't I just have positive daydreams, enjoying whatever I want. And if I have the object, obviously I don't need to daydream about it, but why pretend to be harming it? Why can't I just talk about it in a positive or neutral way?

I also just realised this started when I was about 12. One of the obsessions I had then, I did have a few daydreams about harming it but not of the intensity that I do now. I think it got worse around age 19-20.
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Old 12-11-2018, 12:03 PM   #6
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Old 12-12-2018, 07:59 AM   #7
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Default Re: A weird thing I do

It's definitely the reactions. I watched a video of someone destroying something (something I've never had an obsession with). The actual video didn't do much for me (probably because it wasn't my obsession) but I enjoyed reading the angry comments.

I really don't understand it. I wish I could stop thinking like this because it makes no sense to me.

In fact sometimes I wonder if these obsessions are just themes for this underlying "thing" to play out. The actual objects of the obsessions seem to be meaningless. They change from one thing to another when I get bored of them, and there's always these intense daydreams and feeling around them, no matter what the object is.

In the past, some of the objects I could buy, now I wouldn't really abuse them myself, but I'd go on forums and talk about them and suggest that I did something. If it provoked a reaction I would enjoy it, but mostly nobody really cared.

This current obsession is something I can't have so I don't have that choice, so I have to daydream about it instead. The fantasies I enjoy best are when I'm harming it and getting other peoples' reactions. Though of course their reactions are made up anyway, so what is there to enjoy?

What exactly are these good feelings I have about it. I can't really figure it out, apart from "enjoyment". There is nothing sexual about it so it's not some sort of fetish. It's just very pleasing and makes me feel better somehow.

I'm thinking if I could get to the bottom of this and dig up whatever is causing it, I could get rid of it maybe. And then maybe the obsessions would stop altogether?
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Old 12-12-2018, 10:22 AM   #8
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Default Re: A weird thing I do

It sounds like the main pleasure is not from destroying it but from the imagined reactions of others. What sort of imagined reactions from others would you get (if any) if in your daydream you did not destroy anything but took good care of it?
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Old 12-12-2018, 01:44 PM   #9
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Default Re: A weird thing I do

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bill3 View Post
It sounds like the main pleasure is not from destroying it but from the imagined reactions of others. What sort of imagined reactions from others would you get (if any) if in your daydream you did not destroy anything but took good care of it?
When I daydream about the objects in a positive way and take care of them there's usually nobody else there. If there is then there's no real reaction. I might try to force myself to have more daydreams where I treat the object properly, and put some other people in there and try to see what reactions I can come up with for them.

If I could have this current obsession object, I definitely wouldn't abuse it. But, on another forum I'm on, I know there is someone on there that likes them, so I would probably post "lies" about me abusing it on there. I assume I'd get a reaction from them, and maybe some other people. Thing is I could do that now without it, if I lie about destroying it, I could lie about having one? I could but that just doesn't feel right, I don't think that would work.

It's so weird.
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Old 12-13-2018, 04:26 AM   #10
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Default Re: A weird thing I do

I ended up having this daydream last night. It's a bit different, but similar. It didn't go as planned but it was definitely more positive. I had planned to be with some people, have the obsession object and not do anything to harm it, and see what happened then.

This is how it went:
I was with some people. This other guy came along with the obsession object and said he was going to do somethign really bad with it. I stopped him and took it off him. He said I can have it if it made me happy. So I did. He went away and I was left holding it. I showed the other people I was with but they didn't seem interested. I know I could have made them interested if I really wantetd to but that just didn't feel "true". I don't know.

There is something I have thought about which might be relevant but I'm not sure. When I want and object I can't have and I see/read about people abusing them, I do get upset a bit, and jealous. It also makes me a bit angry. So it could have been that reversed. But that doesn't explain why I feel the need to lie about things I do have. That doesn't make sense. Also the daydreams are just as negative as reading about other people doing things. There just doesn't seem to be any point to it. I don't know what I'm getting out of it.
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