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Unread 08-12-2017, 08:46 PM   #11
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Default Re: How do I deal with my feelings?

Happy Birthday DarknessIsMyFriend, you are spending some of your birthday here with your PC friends, we ARE real people and care about you.
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Unread 08-12-2017, 09:09 PM   #12
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Default Re: How do I deal with my feelings?

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Happy Birthday DarknessIsMyFriend, you are spending some of your birthday here with your PC friends, we ARE real people and care about you.
Thanks.

Maybe I just need to figure out a way to somehow get better at understanding and empathizing with other people.

I appreciate the kindness some of you have shown me here, despite the fact that I'm unworthy of any compassion. It just isn't the same as having somebody in person, ya know?

Besides, who am I going to share all of this ice cream and pizza that I bought today with?
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Unread 08-12-2017, 10:52 PM   #13
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I know that you're trying to help me and I'm sorry that I seem dismissive of your advice.

There was a time when I was a much more of a likeable person. However, several years ago, I sold out to darkness. I was so tired of dealing with abuse and torment every day by my mother on top of never having enough food or being able to take care of myself that I vowed to get myself out of such a situation no matter the cost. I did a lot of shady things and hurt people just to get my needs taken care of. I basically lived a lifestyle akin of a cyberpunk character.

Now, I don't think I'm worthy or deserving of love because of how messed up of a person that I am. All I do is hurt people and push others away who try to help me. All I care about are my own tech-obsessed ambitions in life. Nothing and nobody else matter.

I crave love but I am going to have to find a way to suppress these cravings to fulfill my purpose in life so that I may one day prove myself worthy of other people.
Could it be that you have so much self blame and guilt feelings from what you did out of survival in the past, you won't allow yourself to accept love because you find yourself unworthy of it, no matter what anyone else may say or do to convince you otherwise?
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Unread 08-12-2017, 11:12 PM   #14
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Here's a thought for you.

You are forever telling me I am a good person, even though many times I don't see things that way about myself.

You also keep saying you are unworthy.

Have you considered how many times you have helped me (and I am sure others) to regain some sense of "it's going to be okay"? You say you are incapable of empathy, yet you show me how much it upsets you when I tell you of people hurting me emotionally, that shows empathy. You claim to not be worthy of love.

What makes a person worthy of love?

When a baby is born, most mother's immediately love that child (I say most bc some mothers suffer post partum depression or some other mental illness). All that child did was come out into the world. It hasn't earned any trust or loyalty. It hasn't developed any relationship. There's also the point that even mass murderers in prison find people outside of prison who love them. Love doesn't come with a set of requirements. Love doesn't need to be earned. We are all worthy of love.

As far as you not being good at socialization...so? None of us are at first and you haven't​ had as much experience as the rest of us. Get out there. Get your feet wet. You learn through practice. When people get upset, ask why, explain what you were trying to get across, ask a better way to approach it in future, apologize...and try to do better next time. It's just another learning experience. People are judgemental creatures at times though so you will need to learn to take their judgements with a grain of salt. If you do those things and are persistent with it, within a year or two, you will be all good socially except maybe with dating, and heck..as far as relationships are concerned no two are the same anyway.
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Unread 08-13-2017, 01:05 AM   #15
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Default Re: How do I deal with my feelings?

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Could it be that you have so much self blame and guilt feelings from what you did out of survival in the past, you won't allow yourself to accept love because you find yourself unworthy of it, no matter what anyone else may say or do to convince you otherwise?
I'm not entirely sure of the exact reasons why I feel the way I do, however, if I were to guess, I would say that it's either what you said or me maybe fearing the light or a combination of the two. I don't know.

All I know is that I'm at a huge crossroads in my life. I'm doing well for myself financially. I am making over $400 a month more than my living expenses which is huge for me plus I have at least a few grand coming in next month. If I keep working and saving up money, I could expand on my dropshipping side business and possibly scale it to 6 figures within the next year if I reinvest some of my extra money into it.

This is what I've been fighting for for so long and I long since gave up everything for money including most of my friends and some other things that used to make me happy assuming I could just buy all of my problems away and sate this emptiness inside of me. It is clear that I wasn't entirely correct and the last several years of my life have been wasted. If I could have acted sooner, perhaps I wouldn't have wasted so much of my youth away.

I don't know. I'm conflicted and confused about a lot of things. What I wouldn't give for a mentor in my life right now.
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Unread 08-13-2017, 03:14 AM   #16
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When you are able to forgive yourself then you can forgive others. There may be others that don't deserve your forgiveness but forgiving helps the forgiver more than the people they forgive. Of course, forgiving does not mean you have to associate with the people who were toxic to you. It is about letting go of the past's terrible grip on you. Obviously this is not easy when you have had a rough childhood. But so many people at PC (including you) beat up on theirselves all of the time. I do it too. Go easier on yourself.

Your have to love yourself. When you can forgive your mistakes and imperfections then it is easier to love yourself. You have a lot to offer. No one is 100% good. Everyone has a breaking point. Everyone needs love and acceptance. Insecurities about having the most basic things (like food and shelter) are the worst kind of stress to deal with. It is hard to work on loving yourself during times when you are barely meeting your basic needs. Your life hasn't been easy but you have a plan to improve it. I commend you for this. I actually think you have your priorities in order. There is nothing wrong with putting yourself first so long as you are not hurting others. You have said you have hurt others in order to survive. That is in the past and you need to forgive yourself concerning these things and move on. The fact that you feel bad about it tells me that you are essentially a good person.
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Unread 08-13-2017, 08:20 AM   #17
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Thanks. I guess what has had me feeling like crap all week is the fact that it is my birthday today, yet I have nobody to spend it with.
Happy birthday! I have had no one to spend my birthday with for years. Mostly Facebook happy birthday wishes but this year since my list is 21 friends it is going to be super depressing.
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Unread 08-13-2017, 08:47 AM   #18
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Unread 08-13-2017, 09:22 AM   #19
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If you're an INTJ then you should do well with written instructions. Get yourself a copy of How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. It's a good book for everyone but it should offer you many insights into how people opperate and help guide your social interactions.

Socializing is a learned skill and based on what you've said, it's just not a skill you've been able to get a lot of practice with. If you want to get better at it, it'll take some time and perserverance.

I'm an INTJ as well and incredibly introverted. I dislike socializing most of the time and see my friends a few times a year. I have fun each time but find it incredibly draining. However, as asocial as I am, I used to work in buisness development and sales industry and I excelled at it, often surpassing peers who are naturally social because I put extra effort into understanding people and learning how human interaction works. No reason you can't do the same thing in the future.
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Unread 08-13-2017, 10:52 AM   #20
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Default Re: How do I deal with my feelings?

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If you're an INTJ then you should do well with written instructions. Get yourself a copy of How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. It's a good book for everyone but it should offer you many insights into how people opperate and help guide your social interactions.

Socializing is a learned skill and based on what you've said, it's just not a skill you've been able to get a lot of practice with. If you want to get better at it, it'll take some time and perserverance.
Yeah I will probably find a copy of that book either on Kindle or I will see if they have it on Audible so I can listen to it during my long commute during the week.

I'm also contemplating purchasing this video course that I found an advertisement for via an email newsletter that I am a part of. Normally I don't buy into advertising and what not but the guy who makes it is credible. I can find a link for it and let you see for yourself later if you're interested.

Thanks and I'm sorry for being such a drag again. I was triggered for whatever reason yesterday when I made this post, either because this is the first birthday that I ever spent completely alone or the fact that I am 26 now which means that I wasted over half of my 20s now or some other reason. I feel better now though.
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