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Old 11-07-2018, 08:00 PM   #1
phobosdeimos
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My Mood: something from my journal to get me started. C-PTSD Survivor?

Trig something from my journal to get me started. C-PTSD Survivor?

I'm having a bad night. I don't know what to post so I thought something from my journal would be a good start.

personally handling it first. Every day they would take the pets out of their cages and have customers and staff hold them. This trained the animals to trust, and be comfortable around people.
I told her how we would let the bunnies run around the house and they were amazing pets.
My girlfriend, Shannon said how that would be amazing to have a pet bunny.
So I went home with my dad that day and told him of our conversation. I told him how I would love to find a pet store like the one down in Texas and to get my girlfriend a pet rabbit. It was just us talking and reflecting on past memories.
Then out of no where. My dad was like, hey were at petsmart and we found a bunny with floppy ears just like when you were children. We got it so you could give it to Shannon.
WTF! At first I didn’t know what to do. I was like, I haven’t even discussed this with Shannon. I don’t even know if her parents will let her have a bunny. Not to mention her family has a hunting dog and it wouldn’t work. So I was like “sure, but I will keep it, in my room”. I didn’t feel like it was appropriate to give it to her as a gift. So Shannon soon after came down to Belfast and I showed her my new pet bunny. Shannon thought it was amazing, then I told her how I ended up with it. She wanted to take it home, but obviously couldn’t.
Over time we had tried to handle this bunny and let it out of its cage but it was too afraid of people.
Come to find out the workers at the store left it on the store floor in a cage. Where kids would stomp and terrorize it. So it had a good reason to hate us. I did my best to take care of it anyway. Months later Shannon would move down to Belfast and we took turns keeping up after it. However there were problems. The cage my father had bought for it was too small. It had proper bedding, but it’s feces was to large to drop through to the collection tray. At first this wasn’t an issue we just had to thoroughly scrub the entire cage. Over time the rabbits hair had grown to long so it started shedding. The hair would get matted with the feces and the overall moisture caused the cage to rust. The hair would go on to get tangled and matted on the rusty cage fence.
We had asked my dad if we could get it a new cage and take it to the vet because of its hair, but my dad wouldn’t let us.
Over the months the matted messy cage became to much to keep indoors the smell got really bad. So we had to put it outside. Shannon and I continued to take turns cleaning it’s cage as best we could. We started to notice it’s claws were getting to long and is paws would be bloody from snagging them. All sorts of bugs and worms had started nesting in the cage. We made the case again that this rabbit needed to go to the vet and we had to get it a new cage but my father wouldn’t let us.
Shannon and I couldn’t bare to watch this animal suffer any more. So one day “we let it accidentally escape” while we were cleaning its cage. It had ran off into the woods and we felt it had a chance. I would tell my parents latter that day what happened. Told them how I made a mistake and it was gone.
We thought that was the end. We hopped the bunny would be better off.
However two days later it came back and my dad put it back in its cage. Despite how horrible that cage was, that was all that that bunny knew. Despite its suffering it felt more comfortable in that cage than it did in the real world. A year had gone by Shannon and I moved out. We couldn’t take the bunny with us. It died from the conditions in that cage.
So why is this important? I realized I am that bunny. Growing up I had crooked teeth. I needed to see a dentist but my father wouldn’t let me. I was getting picked on in school so I would go on to try and cut my teeth out. When I got older i was playing with Jacob and had broken my nose. My mother rushed me off to my father at work. I needed to go to the emergency room. But my father wouldn’t let me. Thought having a broken nose might “finally teach me a lesson”. My herniated disk and my hip were likely caused by my fathers abuse. Knowing what I know now I had the same pain back when I was a child. I remember being on vacation and being stuck in a car. I was screaming because my legs hurt. My dad told me to just deal with it. This was after he had thrown a playpen at my hip. Again I needed to see a doctor but my dad told me to deal with it.
Now as an adult I’ve been given freedom from the cage I grew up in. Like that bunny, however my mind constantly wants to go back there. To that cage, because the world is a scary place and that cage is what I know.

Last edited by FooZe; 11-08-2018 at 02:32 AM.. Reason: added trigger icon
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Old 11-08-2018, 06:31 AM   #2
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Default Re: something from my journal to get me started. C-PTSD Survivor?

This truly touched my heart... And I understand it perfectly. Thank you for sharing.
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Old 11-08-2018, 07:56 AM   #3
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Hello and welcome to PC!

The added support from others you’ll find here is very helpful to MH improvement, IMHO.

It helps me to share, probably over share lol, on here. Anonymity helps me feel secure about that.

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Old 11-10-2018, 03:43 PM   #4
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Welcome to PC
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