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Old 02-05-2018, 10:49 PM   #1
Só leigheas
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Trig I'm Stuck in a Loop

"Sometimes, I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have
Sometimes, I think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there'd never be a past"

-Linkin Park, 'Easier to Run'.

It's another hard night for me. I'm so tired of these. I'm still keeping up with my meds but they aren't helping the memories and intrusive thoughts. Only thing that helps with that hurts me in a different way (alcohol, weed etc.). I'm so tired.
Possible trigger:
I know it's messed up to think like this. I know how my mind is working is going to be the end of me, but I can't stop it. I'm trying so damn hard to think in a different way. All of my trying seems to be futile at the end of the day.

Maybe I'm too screwed up. Maybe I just can't be saved.
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"We had to steal him from his fate so he could see another day."
-Twenty One Pilots, 'Taxi Cab'.

"My hands did these things, but I was never easy in my mind."
-Mudbound
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Old 02-05-2018, 11:42 PM   #2
Trace14
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Default Re: I'm Stuck in a Loop

Quote:
Originally Posted by Só leigheas View Post
"Sometimes, I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have
Sometimes, I think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there'd never be a past"

-Linkin Park, 'Easier to Run'.

It's another hard night for me. I'm so tired of these. I'm still keeping up with my meds but they aren't helping the memories and intrusive thoughts. Only thing that helps with that hurts me in a different way (alcohol, weed etc.). I'm so tired.
Possible trigger:
I know it's messed up to think like this. I know how my mind is working is going to be the end of me, but I can't stop it. I'm trying so damn hard to think in a different way. All of my trying seems to be futile at the end of the day.

Maybe I'm too screwed up. Maybe I just can't be saved.
I totally understand. The thing is that the memories will always be there. The only chance we have is to learn to deal with them. Dulling the senses doesn't help, well maybe a temporary fix but not long term. So lets talk about what we know....okay? There are tools, maybe meds, maybe therapy, to help us deal with the memories but we have to find the right combo. That's the tricky and frustrating part. But we have the option to keep trying different things to find that right combo. I'm so glad you are taking your meds as prescribed. Good for you!!!
Now about death. What do we really know about that? Would it change how we feel? What if it doesn't, and we spend eternity feeling this way and no option of finding something to make it tolerable? I'm just not sure there's a comfortable life after death. How do you feel about it?
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Old 02-06-2018, 12:10 AM   #3
Só leigheas
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Trig Re: I'm Stuck in a Loop

What I believe about death is that there's nothing after. Just... nothing. And I've become really desperate for nothing. Nothing means no more loop.

I agree that dulling everything is too temporary. I'm suppose to be starting a new medication soon along with my already existing ones. It's meant to help the depression. I had to go off of Bupropion because it increased my psychotic symptoms.

There's so much happening around me, too. Things that I can barely think about without having a mild breakdown. So, taking care of these things seems next to impossible. No one around me can understand this and they're very impatient with me. I just can't handle the extra stress. I feel so useless and like a POS.

I've also grown even more isolated, which I know is bad, but I'm doing it for a reason.
Possible trigger:
Even as I write it, I feel like a terrible person. I see myself planning and preparing and I just can't stop it. I can't stop obsessing over it, either. And I don't know why.
__________________
"We had to steal him from his fate so he could see another day."
-Twenty One Pilots, 'Taxi Cab'.

"My hands did these things, but I was never easy in my mind."
-Mudbound
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Old 02-06-2018, 12:19 AM   #4
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Default Re: I'm Stuck in a Loop

I wish that I had something to say that might be of help. I just wanted to let you know that I have read your post. I hope the new med is of some help to you.
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Old 02-06-2018, 12:20 AM   #5
Só leigheas
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Default Re: I'm Stuck in a Loop

Quote:
Originally Posted by ForWhatItsWorth2U View Post
I wish that I had something to say that might be of help. I just wanted to let you know that I have read your post. I hope the new med is of some help to you.
I appreciate that. Thank you.
__________________
"We had to steal him from his fate so he could see another day."
-Twenty One Pilots, 'Taxi Cab'.

"My hands did these things, but I was never easy in my mind."
-Mudbound
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Old 02-06-2018, 12:22 AM   #6
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Default Re: I'm Stuck in a Loop

I see that you are in Roanoke. Is that VA? I used to live in Galax. I miss the Blue Ridge.
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Old 02-06-2018, 12:29 AM   #7
Só leigheas
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Default Re: I'm Stuck in a Loop

Quote:
Originally Posted by ForWhatItsWorth2U View Post
I see that you are in Roanoke. Is that VA? I used to live in Galax. I miss the Blue Ridge.
'Roanoke' as in kind of historical context. It was the first colony in North America. It's nickname being "The Lost Colony". So, metaphorically speaking, I'm lost the same as the colony.

Sorry, that's kind of a bleak metaphor.
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"We had to steal him from his fate so he could see another day."
-Twenty One Pilots, 'Taxi Cab'.

"My hands did these things, but I was never easy in my mind."
-Mudbound
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Old 02-06-2018, 12:34 AM   #8
Carmina
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Default Re: I'm Stuck in a Loop

Quote:
Originally Posted by Só leigheas View Post
"Sometimes, I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have
Sometimes, I think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there'd never be a past"

-Linkin Park, 'Easier to Run'.

It's another hard night for me. I'm so tired of these. I'm still keeping up with my meds but they aren't helping the memories and intrusive thoughts. Only thing that helps with that hurts me in a different way (alcohol, weed etc.). I'm so tired.
Possible trigger:
I know it's messed up to think like this. I know how my mind is working is going to be the end of me, but I can't stop it. I'm trying so damn hard to think in a different way. All of my trying seems to be futile at the end of the day.

Maybe I'm too screwed up. Maybe I just can't be saved.
Been up since 4 thinking the exact same thing - I'm here with you - at least we have that
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Old 02-06-2018, 12:36 AM   #9
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Default Re: I'm Stuck in a Loop

I know a little about "The Lost Colony." I am part Lumbee Native American. History links the Lumbee to the Roanoke settlers.
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Old 02-06-2018, 12:38 AM   #10
Só leigheas
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Só leigheas is down in the forest.
 
Member Since: Feb 2016
Location: Doing donuts in the parking lot
Posts: 4,077 (SuperPoster!)
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Default Re: I'm Stuck in a Loop

Quote:
Originally Posted by Carmina View Post
Been up since 4 thinking the exact same thing - I'm here with you - at least we have that
I'm sorry you're here, too. But you're right, at least we're not alone.
__________________
"We had to steal him from his fate so he could see another day."
-Twenty One Pilots, 'Taxi Cab'.

"My hands did these things, but I was never easy in my mind."
-Mudbound
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