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Old 03-15-2019, 12:28 AM #21
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Default Re: Any information about abuse by parents with PTSD?

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What kind of therapy do you see helping you? Just curious
I don't see therapy helping me at all. I've had the therapy that's taken me this far but ultimately what I need is for other people to stop projecting their own flaws onto me and therapy on me isn't going to do that. For me, right now therapy is just first aid for the stresses of having to deal with the hatred of other people.

I'm considered treatment-resistant psychologically, and physically I'm a terminal case. Nothing can stop me from dying now, but a lack of stress and a job that can pay for medicine might stretch my life out a bit. But that's not going to happen as long as humanity is still at war with me.


I just want to know why people hated me so much between when I was six and when I found out I was dying - I radically changed my personality when I found out, so why thy don't like me now is a bit more obvious. But before I was sweet and caring and funny and kind, yet all they saw was a monster. I don't know why. I can't stand the thought of spending eternity never knowing.

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Old 03-15-2019, 06:38 AM #22
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Default Re: Any information about abuse by parents with PTSD?

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...what I need is for other people to stop projecting their own flaws onto me...
You might investigate why what (some) other people do is so determinative for you.
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Old 03-15-2019, 06:53 AM #23
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Default Re: Any information about abuse by parents with PTSD?

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You might investigate why what (some) other people do is so determinative for you.
It's not some, it's all - and why it's so "determinative" is because I can't fight back against that many people, much less against a system where I have neither allies nor even neutral parties. If literally everyone is working against me, how am I supposed to survive, much less live a normal life?


P.S. the mods are probably going to shut me up soon - don't be surprised if I don't respond at some point.
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Old 03-15-2019, 07:50 AM #24
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Default Re: Any information about abuse by parents with PTSD?

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It's not some, it's all -
But there are some here who are on your side. I guess their influence for you is not as great as those others. Bears thinking about? Just thinking about -- not to assess blame, but to comprehend some of what is going on...
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Old 03-15-2019, 07:57 AM #25
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Default Re: Any information about abuse by parents with PTSD?

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But there are some here who are on your side. I guess their influence for you is not as great as those others. Bears thinking about? Just thinking about -- not to assess blame, but to comprehend some of what is going on...
I am not so gullible to believe that they are actually on my side. If they are so charitable why did they wait until it was too late to do anything? Not to mention that claiming to help to get into a position to sabotage all my work is a common tactic among my detractors.


You put too much faith in people's words. People lie with words and show the truth through their actions.
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Old 03-15-2019, 12:30 PM #26
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Default Re: Any information about abuse by parents with PTSD?

TheUrOther,

Right now you are interacting in a forum where other people suffer from ptsd and complex ptsd and many of these members have suffered abuse and neglect. Please keep in mind that when you express your anger and extreme frustration, others here can relate, and others here are trying very hard NOT TO self blame for suffering from abuse, neglect, being bullied being alone, struggling to have friends, being labelled as bad when they are not bad people, and have suffered ALONE often with NO HELP too. So, it's important that you understand that when you begin to express anger at other members here, you are triggering them to actually feel the way you feel where you struggle and have been dealing with not finding the caring and help you need to experience.

My childhood was hard too. I spent a lot of years in my own childhood where every single day I witnessed my older brother being bullied and abused and hurt. He was constantly punished, he was dragged into a shed and hit with a belt, he was told if he cried he would be hit harder. The other children constantly picked on him every single day, no one would sit with him and I began to witness this when I was just a little five year old child. I watched him sit alone, stare out a window TRYING to hide the tears that were rolling down his face. I witnessed this every single day and NO ONE stopped it. My brother did not know what to do with all the stress and these feelings he had from suffering so much abuse that he would suck his thumb all night long TRYING to self sooth so he could sleep. My brother's lips got so swollen and blistered and even bleed. That became something he was picked on about too, the other children on the bus would chant so meanly "big lips, big lips" and I would see how hard it was for him and I felt SO HELPLESS. However, I did not have my OWN identity, I just became X's sister. And no one wanted to be friends with me either because I was X's sister.

I felt sorry for my older brother and I have an older sister too that hated my older brother from the moment he came home as a baby. She even tried to kill him. So at home I always had to deal with HER hate for him too. She would tell me if I was nice to him or played with him that she would shun me and be mean to me and not play with me.

I did not listen to her and because I kept seeing that my older brother had NO ONE, NOT ONE FRIEND, I decided to become his friend. At least he had someone, however, that was extremely challenging for me because my brother would endure so much abuse on that bus and in school and be treated so badly by the teachers too, that he would get to a point where he would need to VENT all his pent up anger. So, guess who had to deal with that? I had to learn to look for when he would blow up and need to vent and that is when I would have to run and hide. I used to NEED to find places I could hide, that was always something I looked for "good hiding places" and no one knew that. I could not tell because I knew if I did tell that all that would happen is he would end up being punished even more. I genuinely had fear that if that happened that his rage could be so bad he might kill me.

I prayed and prayed throughout my childhood for someone to come and HELP HIM. I knew he needed an adult to care about him and help him. When you talk about not fitting in, not having friends, not finding a way to connect? I faced that challenge too because I was X's sister.

This morning I got on the phone trying to find help. I am dealing with an older sister who also takes her anger out on me, she has raged at me and made it a point to cut off anyone I can reach out to so I can ONLY know things if I go to her. She has lied to me, smeared me, raged at me to a point where right now my mother is dying and I get TOO triggered to go and visit my mother because my sister hovers around and WANTS me to suffer because SHE is unhappy. My sister is abusing the power she was given, my parents would be LIVID if they knew. She has been bullying me and triggering me and I got on the phone and guess what NO ONE can help me. And a lawyer noticed this but in order for me to do anything I have to spend money and I DON'T HAVE IT. People have told me to try to talk to my sister about visiting my parents alone, my sister literally BLEW UP at me on the phone and told me I have to pay HER $1,200 in order to get that.
When people tell me to practice this and accept this etc, all it says to me is GIVE IN TO YOUR ABUSER.

Now you come here all angry and when I reach out to comfort you and try to be supportive you point your finger at me and BLAME ME? Can you see how that can trigger me? You don't think I KNOW what you are feeling? You don't think what I am experiencing has been affecting MY HEALTH? You can't see how I wake up during the night with these chills, how I have a hairdryer next to my bed so I can blow hot air on myself to get rid of the horrible chills. You don't even see me here at my desk typing this with a heater blowing on my legs either. You don't see how my lower legs look red and discolored from this, yet I just want to NOT HAVE THESE CHILLS. And yet, when you respond to me you BLAME ME and tell me I do nothing. I am trying but I keep getting the "sorry I can't help you replies".

I AM a nice person too, I am kind and caring and yet I have been bullied and abused anyway. I have tried to not talk about my own challenges, actually, it's very hard for me to do so and I honestly feel like someone will respond to me in hurtful ways because that is what I have ALREADY experienced. I also know how one can get so they get angry at EVERYONE too. Actually, in your other thread a member I know that is also struggling and trying "beauflow" that I have reached out to with support to, replied to you and I have to say it was one of the best written posts I have ever seen her write. A lot of times when she reaches out her posts are somewhat disconnected and hard to follow. Yet I know she is triggered when I see that, and yet that post she wrote to you was not like that. I can see she put a lot of thought into that post to you. She was trying to let you know she can relate to how you feel, the frustration you are feeling and the anger too.

I know what you mean when you express how the BULLIES and ABUSERS often win too. I am living it right now. People tell me to IGNORE her and JUST and yet when I try to do that I end up getting so badly triggered my face turns white as a ghost and I am possessed by that young frightened child part of me that developed from YEARS of witnessing and struggling with what I experienced in my childhood. Before I have any conscious choice I am that frightened child that just wants to RUN AWAY AND HIDE. Do I need to feel GUILTY about that? Do I need to hear THAT'S MY CHOICE? Do I need to hear the only thing you can change is YOU? I am trying but there are times where these episodes I experience just take over and cripple me.

I am very personally familiar with the anger too. I do see you have a lot of anger and you are venting it, I have struggled with that myself and I know other members here can relate. No one here is telling you to give into abuse either. However, you need to understand that many members here are dealing with their own histories some of which are many traumas, many abuses, with NO HELP, just like you describe. Yet, we can all get triggered when you respond to us pointing your finger and blaming us for also struggling and being victims.

We are trying to be supportive with you, members here for the most part are actually NICE people that for whatever reason suffered abuse and trauma that hurt them and they struggle and we all know how hard it is to get HELP and how lonely our challenge feels and is too. I think so many here post and share to have a way of crying out so people will hear us and work on realizing what causes our condition and work on ways to help and prevent better. I know the frustration, this longing to understand before you die as to WHY and how to stop it too. It's very easy to sink into the mentality of hating human beings as a whole, but that's not going to FIX anything either. These people that begin to sink into that state of mind so much that they grab a gun and go out and kill people blindly DOESN'T FIX what's wrong either. Actually, all it does is make it even worse and add to the stigma of the challenge that NONE of us need to experience that only makes it worse.

I am sorry you have been so badly abused, that you are suffering so badly because of this abuse and experiencing this history where others decided YOU were not good enough to fit in. I KNOW what that feels like and both me and my older brother experienced that challenge OUR ENTIRE childhoods too. I do have to say that my older brother did fight back, he got an education and learned how to interact in society, he never talks about his history, yet he has tried to be a part of the solution of being a better nicer person. I will say I have a lot of respect for him, yet, there will always be that part of him that endured a lot of abuse that he tries to keep dormant inside him.

This never means that abusers win. Learning to heal is not empowering abusers, it's reaching out, connecting and trying to give a voice to THE PROBLEM. It's going to take time for changes to happen, it just is. We are at a point where we are just really beginning to understand and pay attention to abuse and the affects it has on the brain too. The other thing we are slowly learning to see is how human beings have different wiring in their brains. We are learning about different learning disabilities, about Aspergers, and ADHD, and all the different kinds of ways different human beings are wired. So there is still a lot to understand about human nature yet and how that plays into human behaviors. It's really important to try not to do that "All People" are bad, and I know that is a challenge especially when struggling.
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Old 03-15-2019, 12:53 PM #27
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Default Re: Any information about abuse by parents with PTSD?

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Old 03-15-2019, 02:36 PM #28
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Default Re: Any information about abuse by parents with PTSD?

Open Eyes:


If you know exactly what I'm feeling, then why can't you see that I'm correct? Why do you constantly argue against what you know is true? You should be agreeing with me, if not actively allying with me. You represent the "other people in my discriminated group" yet you constantly fight against me - why? We could do so much working together instead of fighting, yet you keep arguing against everything I say.


I'm sorry I've made your body react the way it has. I do not get "triggered" like other sufferers, so my body does not get altered like yours does. To be honest, I do not know what that is like. I'm sorry I cannot relate easily.
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Old 03-15-2019, 02:42 PM #29
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Default Re: Any information about abuse by parents with PTSD?

I am VERY sorry you experienced that ((Calla)), because you have suffered abuse too and it's SO HARD when you react in trying to stand up for yourself as I did see you do, only to have that deleted. When it comes to suffering abuse and struggling with PTSD or Complex PTSD, experiencing something like that can be extremely invalidating and triggering. I have experienced that myself.

However, the reason that happens is really not meant to hurt you and invalidate you even though it really feels that way. Instead the only reason that takes place is to prevent threads from becoming a thread of members combatting each other which begins to take away from the purpose of this site which is supposed to provide, as best as possible a safe place to vent and share where members can get support. That can't happen if threads end up turning into long drawn out fights or arguements between members.

It is a challenge to not respond or react, I am sure other members here can agree and have experienced their own challenges with this. I know I have experienced it. It was hard considering not only my history but also what I was experiencing IRL. However, even though it was hard at times for me and I even contended with being suspended which really invalidated me and triggered me. I somehow found it in me to keep trying because I really needed someplace I could interact for support. Actually, as hard as it was I slowly learned how to step back and not react and that was so hard considering what I was dealing with IRL. It ended up helping me slowly, and I do mean slowly to build up an ability to "not" react. I have used those skills IRL too, so it did help me overall. It's not giving an abuser power either, often abusers actually WANT you to react badly so they can say their behavior is YOUR fault. So what I learned here I applied to my extremely challenging IRL challenges which were infinitely harder than anything I have encountered here on this site. Actually, since I posted my last post to our new member I was once again hit with MORE toxic IRL. I found myself asking the same question this new member is asking, WHY, WHY? Seriously, haven't we ALL asked this question???? Felt this anger and frustration???

TheUrOther, we here in this forum get it, we are trying to be supportive to you. Yet, the one thing I CAN say to you, is the solution is not striking out, not at us who are struggling too. That's not the answer here, it's not the solution because all that does is give other people who don't know what it means to struggle like us a reason to keep IGNORING us. I see it, you are coming here and venting and you definitely have a great deal of anger. We here, other individuals who also struggle with PTSD, experience the same questions of this WHY and can get very angry with how humanity doesn't HELP us nor understand us, want to support you. Yet, we cannot do that when you lash out at us, and it doesn't even help our cause, what we want other people to understand is how we struggle. How alone it can be even when we don't want it to be and how little support there really is for so many of us. We need to support each other in our effort to say here in this forum, someplace where we can say just how hard it is and that we are NOT bad people, we are hurt people and here is what happened to us and how can we change that.

All I know is right now I am dealing with something bad and it seems there is really nothing in place that can help me with what I am facing, it's an abusive person who is abusing powers, and once again saying I did something I never did and will NOT let me see my dying mother where I can be alone with her. My mom was my best friend and the only answer I have is to either allow my abuser to hang over me, or completely distance altogether and not even try to see my mother. Someone said to me, the times for being alone with my mother are gone and just try to be positive about the times I was able to experience that. Does that mean the abuser wins? Well, in my honest opinion, no one wins when things get toxic like that. And the same is true when we react in anger here with each other, none of us gain anything from that.

Just know that others here can relate to your anger and frustrations. We need to find a way to at least come together and share our pain so others can see how we struggle and stop IGNORING the things that resulted in how all of us do struggle. There is a slow and gradual awareness taking place, unfortunately, it does take time to figure out solutions and preventions.
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Old 03-15-2019, 03:17 PM #30
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Default Re: Any information about abuse by parents with PTSD?

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the solution is not striking out, not at us who are struggling too.
Then there is no solution because the only thing that stops abuse is fighting back until the abusers are too crippled to abuse. Not fleeing. Not fawning. Not fainting. The only way to win is to beat our abusers until they are completely subjugated under our power.



Quote:
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what we want other people to understand is how we struggle.
That's never going to happen. People don't want to know how we struggle, and will fight to the death to never know. To "normal" people we are worse than expendable and therefore nothing anyone says about us is valid and nothing anyone does will change their mind. That's not how people work.



The other people are our enemy - they are never going to understand us or be our ally because they ultimately approve of the practice of abuse; they think abusing people is the morally right thing to do and nothing will convince them otherwise. They believe we were abused because we deserved to be abused and they will fight to the death for this belief. The only answer is to hold them to their promise, because otherwise we will be exterminated.
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