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Old 03-21-2019, 08:26 AM #1
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Default Unable to cut off abusive mother

I have had an emotionally and physically abusive mother. She regularly takes out her anger on me and we get into a major fight over any small thing almost everyday where she ends up calling me names and abusing me and saying that she wishes she had never had me. She never accepts her mistake, never says that SHE is wrong and always somehow turns the blame on me.
Despite all this, I seem to be unable to distance myself from her. I always feel the need to apologize even though it's almost never my fault and always am the first one to reach out to make amends. I still can't seem to go a day without her approval or without her talking to me, as she regularly gives me the silent treatment and does not even look at me. But I always feel the urge to fall to my knees and just make it all okay and somehow make her hate me a little less.
I want to stop blaming myself and want to establish a healthy emotional distance from her.
I am @ 17 y/o high school student and live in the same house as her. HELP.
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Old 03-21-2019, 08:40 AM #2
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Default Re: Unable to cut off abusive mother

I am sorry you are going through all of this. You could speak to a counselor at your school. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans is an excellent book to read. Your mother has issues and she is angry, not at you, but she takes it out on you. Sadly, she will not change, so do what you can to protect yourself...is there a relative you could live with?..When you hear her abuse, walk away....go outdoors if necessary. Abuse damages your immune system....

In other words, do not engage in a conversation with her when she is abusive. She needs her "fix" and that is for you to constantly explain and defend yourself.
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Old 03-21-2019, 08:46 AM #3
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Default Re: Unable to cut off abusive mother

Quote:
Originally Posted by Um0810 View Post
I have had an emotionally and physically abusive mother. She regularly takes out her anger on me and we get into a major fight over any small thing almost everyday where she ends up calling me names and abusing me and saying that she wishes she had never had me. She never accepts her mistake, never says that SHE is wrong and always somehow turns the blame on me.
I am so sorry you have to deal with this, its really terrible. The best advice I can give to you is to not take her bait and find someone you can talk to. Can you do therapy? Do you have a close friend or relative? If she speaks to you, other than answering yes or no questions, can you avoid anything else? If she happens to drag you into an argument, can you say something like:" i will not argue with you so I am going to keep quiet" then walk away and go to your room. Removing yourself from the situation is the only way to deal with this since you live in the same house.
Quote:
Despite all this, I seem to be unable to distance myself from her. I always feel the need to apologize even though it's almost never my fault and always am the first one to reach out to make amends. I still can't seem to go a day without her approval or without her talking to me, as she regularly gives me the silent treatment and does not even look at me. But I always feel the urge to fall to my knees and just make it all okay and somehow make her hate me a little less.
I want to stop blaming myself and want to establish a healthy emotional distance from her.
I am @ 17 y/o high school student and live in the same house as her. HELP.
This is why I asked if you could do therapy or had someone to talk to. You need to talk out your feelings and figure out why you feel like you always need to apologize. Part of the collateral damage with abuse is that the abuser makes the abused feel responsible for the behavior. We grow up thinking if we were different or did something "better" or different then everything would change. With an abuser it doesnt matter because they will find a reason to abuse you anyway. Once you are of age I encourage you to find other living arrangements so that you do not have to suffer the abuse day in and day out.
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Old 03-21-2019, 10:58 AM #4
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Default Re: Unable to cut off abusive mother

Quote:
Originally Posted by Um0810 View Post
I have had an emotionally and physically abusive mother. She regularly takes out her anger on me and we get into a major fight over any small thing almost everyday where she ends up calling me names and abusing me and saying that she wishes she had never had me. She never accepts her mistake, never says that SHE is wrong and always somehow turns the blame on me.
Despite all this, I seem to be unable to distance myself from her. I always feel the need to apologize even though it's almost never my fault and always am the first one to reach out to make amends. I still can't seem to go a day without her approval or without her talking to me, as she regularly gives me the silent treatment and does not even look at me. But I always feel the urge to fall to my knees and just make it all okay and somehow make her hate me a little less.
I want to stop blaming myself and want to establish a healthy emotional distance from her.
I am @ 17 y/o high school student and live in the same house as her. HELP.


I am sorry you are going through that

she sounds a lot like mine

I remember especially she'd blame me for things like power cuts or if the washing machine broke- things that I don't even have control over
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Old 03-21-2019, 01:10 PM #5
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Default Re: Unable to cut off abusive mother

Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post

I am so sorry you have to deal with this, its really terrible. The best advice I can give to you is to not take her bait and find someone you can talk to. Can you do therapy? Do you have a close friend or relative? If she speaks to you, other than answering yes or no questions, can you avoid anything else? If she happens to drag you into an argument, can you say something like:" i will not argue with you so I am going to keep quiet" then walk away and go to your room. Removing yourself from the situation is the only way to deal with this since you live in the same house.


This is why I asked if you could do therapy or had someone to talk to. You need to talk out your feelings and figure out why you feel like you always need to apologize. Part of the collateral damage with abuse is that the abuser makes the abused feel responsible for the behavior. We grow up thinking if we were different or did something "better" or different then everything would change. With an abuser it doesnt matter because they will find a reason to abuse you anyway. Once you are of age I encourage you to find other living arrangements so that you do not have to suffer the abuse day in and day out.
I understand, but i do not have a counsellor at school and have absolutely no one to talk to who could understand the intensity and seriousness of this.
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Old 03-25-2019, 04:47 PM #6
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Default Re: Unable to cut off abusive mother

I am so sorry you are in this situation. None of it is your fault. You are at the mercy of your mother's own issues, and although you are not the cause of them (no matter how much she says that you are) you bear the brunt of them, day in and day out.
According to trauma models it makes perfect sense why you keep coming back to appease her. You would have learned this growing up. She is your mother. Your only mother. If you don't have her to look after you, who do you have? The thought of not having anyone is too much to bear for a small child. For a child in a situation like that "appeasing" is a way to end the abuse... for that moment. Appeasing the abuser is a survival strategy. The young child can't physically escape the situation so needs to develop behaviors that will ensure the best care possible. From what you say here that means accepting blame (when it isn't even your fault) and "calming the beast" (by being the one to make amends, even when you are the one that has been abused).
The good news is... you have made it this far, and you have at least some insight that it really isn't your fault. Hold on to that insight and continue to grow it. It really isn't your fault, and you deserved so much more than this. Sadly your mom was not able to give it to you. That was never because of you, but likely because she never developed the skills or ability to love respectfully in her own childhood. It was never about you.
You will not always be in this situation. You are only 17 now, but there will come a time when you can physically leave and stand on your own two feet. You can continue to develop your awareness of your mother's issues and your own strengths in finding ways to survive her abuse. Over time you may even want to create your own family and learn how to parent your own children differently.
So, if you don't have anyone you can reach out to help you now, then continue to help yourself in the best way you can. Be kind to yourself. Be forgiving of yourself. And be compassionate to the child inside who really just wants her mom. That is a really hard dream to give up.
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Old 03-25-2019, 07:13 PM #7
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Old 03-28-2019, 06:32 PM #8
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Default Re: Unable to cut off abusive mother

Yes,the child in you is hoping beyond hope that the mother will love
him deep down,the problem is,that need is so powerful it overrides
your right to live in dignity in present time . . .YOU need to take
responsibility for the child,and see that that fantasy will never come
true.YOU need to look in phone book or library or Church or computer for someone somewhere local to give you the help you obviously need. YOU ARE WORTH THE COURAGE YOU NEED TO DO THIS.
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Old 04-04-2019, 11:43 AM #9
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